The Dead Crow

He saw a dead crow,
in a drain,
near the post office.
He saw an old man
gasping for air
and a baby barely able to breath
in a crowded morning clinic.
This land is so rich.
Why should we suffer like this?

I want clean air
for my grandchildren.
I want the damned fools
to leave the forest alone.
I want the trees grow,
the rivers run free,
and the earth covered with grass.
Let the politician plan hiw we may live with dignity,
now and always.

He saw a dead crow,
in a drain, No comma needed on the first line.

and a baby barely able to breathe
in a crowded morning clinic.

This land is so rich.
Why should we suffer like this? Too blunt and bland for my tastes. I think you could continue to reveal your opinions with just stating it this way.

I want the damned fools
to leave the forest alone. This kind of weakens your argument. It makes you sound a bit overboard hippie-ish. ^_^

Let the politician plan how we may live with dignity,
now and always. The ending of the poem is sometimes the most important, because often writers don't know how to finish and it leaves on a weak point. I felt like this could've been stronger, and that you could've left with more impact. I liked at the beginning of your poem, how you were revealing the actual damage done, and I think that's really what impacts people. I would've liked to see you allude to even more of that throughout, because in the end it just gets to simply-stated for me, in which point it becomes a persuasive argument rather than a poem. I'm not saying it can't be persuading, I'm just saying that it needed more of a poetic feel, rather than flat-out prose. With all this said, I felt like this was a decent poem and I like the topic you took on.

Hope I helped.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey there irsyad23,

I like your concept for this poem - the environment and its declining sanity. It's different, yet still
relates to the world today. So good on you for that! I feel this has much potential that has yet to be
unlocked, so hopefully, I'll help you do so.

I think you should make your intentions clear from the start, about what exactly you're writing about.
Perhaps begin by talking about the Earth itself, and how polluted that is, THEN go on an talk about
the effect its having on people.

I like your idea in your first stanza about depicting people's suffering in a polluted world, but extend
this! Throw in heaps of feeling and emotion and really put into detail how these people are feeling.
Make it dramatic! What you've got now is a good foundation or basis to work on.

In the next stanza, you speak of the future inhabitants of the Earth, and how the pollution today is
going to effect them in the future. Maybe you could write this from the point of view of someone in
the future and describe how they are suffering from OUR mistakes in the present day. You could also
talk about your dreams for the future - lush grass, many trees, clean air etc.

This now, is a foundation you can use to create something even better! It's got potential, just make
use of it! Let me know if you have any questions or comments, or if you found anything confusing!

Miyakko.

The dead crow symbolize how terrible the condition at that time. Even the dirty birds like that will die because of pollution... ... I'm just telling...