Illusive(re-written)

Spoiler

Another of my poetic fancies, I hope you enjoy

The scent of a rose,
illusive and sweet;
boldly brilliant,
yet discreet.

It tickles your nose,
blushing with coyness;
It beckons with soft lips,
seductive yet voiceless.

You reach out to touch,
wavering slightly;
it tremors and laughs,
smiling brightly.

Fully committed,
you thrust out your hand;
your finger is pricked,
by a tiny firebrand.

Ashamed and surprised,
your eyes wide and accusing;
your heart is downcast,
your tender flesh bruising.


How, just how
could something so fair,
be so brutal,
so cold without care?

The rose cries softly,
tears overflowing;
it shudders and bows,
silently knowing

that if not for that prick,
save for that tiny tear of red,
its own life would have been broken,
snapped, lifeless, grey, and dead

The imagery in this is brilliant, I really liked the way you described everything. The rhyming scheme was good too and I liked the way you personified the rose. To improve this I'd say it needs to either be slightly longer or add more meaning into it like perhaps why the roses do what they do. =] Keep up the good writing. xx

Oh! I really liked this! The imagery, as MeganWeaver said, is beautiful and absolutely brilliant. I really don't know what to criticize on, since it all seems so prefect!

Since I can't actually find anything to nitpick on, I'm just going to state the parts I loved the most:

Fully entranced,
you forget to tread cautiously
and for your trouble,
a finger pricked haughtily...

It all starts beautifully and the narrator describes the prettiness of the rose and all, but then the rose pricks her, which I found very creative. I felt that for this poem, you just created another layer. It reminds me of someone who you love so much that you don't see how cruel they can be, and in the end, they just hurt you. It was very good, and I doubt I can write such poetry.

It tickles your nose,
blushing with coyness,
It beacons with soft lips,
so seductively voiceless.

I love the last line in this paragraph: So seductively voiceless. I've never heard that before, and found it quite interesting and new.

Really, you should keep writing such poems. You are very talented, and yeah, you should know that and take advantage of it. (In a good way, I mean.)

Good luck, and keep rhyming!

-TMuffs.

Oh! I really liked this! The imagery, as MeganWeaver said, is beautiful and absolutely brilliant. I really don't know what to criticize on, since it all seems so prefect!

Since I can't actually find anything to nitpick on, I'm just going to state the parts I loved the most:

Fully entranced,
you forget to tread cautiously
and for your trouble,
a finger pricked haughtily...

It all starts beautifully and the narrator describes the prettiness of the rose and all, but then the rose pricks her, which I found very creative. I felt that for this poem, you just created another layer. It reminds me of someone who you love so much that you don't see how cruel they can be, and in the end, they just hurt you. It was very good, and I doubt I can write such poetry.

It tickles your nose,
blushing with coyness,
It beacons with soft lips,
so seductively voiceless.

I love the last line in this paragraph: So seductively voiceless. I've never heard that before, and found it quite interesting and new.

Really, you should keep writing such poems. You are very talented, and yeah, you should know that and take advantage of it. (In a good way, I mean.)

Good luck, and keep rhyming!

-TMuffs.

Thanks sooo much for the review! It encouraged me to finish it instead of being lazy and letting it end with a silly awkward end rhyme...I hope this version is an improvement, cause it took about an hour or two to get it right >.<... XD

-Justlittleoleme

Hello there! I noticed this here and had to drop bye; reviewing's my style, you know, on the sly.

I do have to say, though this poem is very pretty, it could use some work. I like how it started with a capital letter in the sentence-like stanza, and this is repeated throughout. However, this has also lead to some problems, among other issues I've found or personal preferences regarding structure and syntax.

In the first stanza - I like it, somewhat. I feel like there could be a kind of separation between the first two and last two lines though. Perhaps a colon or a dash, to separate them and give a longer pause than a comma can insinuate that is yet shorter than a full stop? As it is, the first stanza just reads on like a particularly boring sentence, with little to interest a reader or sweep them off their feet with eloquence and rhythm. If you separate the two ideas with a more solid punctuation mark, there would be more emphasis on the "boldly brilliant,/yet discreet" portion of the rose's scent - more of an idea than a true description, and ideas are what writing is for, no?

In the second stanza - I don't like this as much, to be frank. The first line is well enough, but the second holds off a second too long with the rhythm. It's suitable, but barely. After "coyness" there ought to be a full stop or a semicolon, and if it's a semicolon then the third line shouldn't start with a capital letter by the rule you established in the first stanza. "Beacons" ought to be spelt "beckons", going by context clues: A "beacon" is a shining light or other landmark, while "to beckon" is to call someone or something over to you, to summon it. I really don't like the last line, either. Cut out the "so" or change one of the other words to fit the proposed rhythm: There's an extra syllable in that line that makes it feel out of place and awkward on the tongue. "Voiceless" seems like it was shunted in there to rhyme with "coyness", too - be careful of the forced rhyme.

The third stanza is okay. Again, between the second and third lines there ought to be a full stop or a semicolon. If a full stop, the third line needs to begin with a capital. I also think that with the verb-adverb style you have going on, it gets a little boring. Perhaps have the last line of that stanza be "ever so brightly" instead of "smiling brightly" and cut out the comma after "laughs"?

Oh god, the fourth stanza. The fourth stanza. I like the first two lines. In fact, I like them tremendously. They give off a feeling of determination with a touch of forceful foreshadowing. The last two lines ruin it. Not only should there (again) be separation between "hand" and "your finger" that is in the lines of a semicolon or full stop, but I think you should cut out the phrase "marked as a bandit" entirely. It sounds so out of place with the rest of the poem - without it, it could be a kind of love song with the lilting tune it has to it. "Your finger is pricked/by a tiny firebrand" fits in with your rhythm and rhyme scheme as well, more so than it would with "marked by a bandit".

The fifth stanza. I do NOT like that you cast away your rhyme scheme on the last line; it could be something along the lines of "you're afraid of losing" or the like, to rhyme with "accusing", but you go with "bleeding". The rest of the stanza is so good, and all I would say for grammar would be that after the third line a colon would be more suitable than a comma.

The sixth stanza. There does not need to be a comma after every line in a poem; after "fair" it just throws the entire concept of grammar on the floor, kicking and screaming. I think, with a little work, it would be better to change the sixth stanza into something along the lines of "How, just how,/could something so fair/be so brutal, now -/so cold without care?" A few edits with grammar and punctuation, with the addition of "so" to the last line to match it up with "so brutal".

The seventh stanza makes little sense to me. I'll say that "Nods" should have a lowercase N, not an uppercase one. Aside from that, how do roses have "bright locks"? Perhaps if you said something along the lines of "its petals shining" or the like - but "locks" are "hair", you realise, and roses have very little hair. The third line, like "marked by a firebrand", stands out. Not in a very good way, either. It's too long, too awkward for the flow of this poem; perhaps you could extend that line into the fourth and, instead of saying "silently knowing", replace that with some of the phrase and say - perhaps, perhaps - "The rose nods sagely,/its bright locks flowing;/it smiles at its secret/with knowledge glowing" or something the like. That's the best I could come up with for that; perhaps you could think of better.

Oh, it makes sense with the eighth stanza now! I can look at that in a different way. Except I don't really like the eighth stanza. It breaks apart your rhythm completely and leaves the reader lost, blundering about in this wilderness of words, hunted down by every wild letter. Might I suggest you work on editing that to fit in with the other seven stanzas, and also eliminate the full stop at the end of the seventh so that it flows into the eighth?

That's all I have to say for now, except - this makes a lovely love poem; don't ruin it with little things. This is my review. You're certainly not obligated to take any of this into consideration: It's simply suggestion for improvement.

hmmmm...I made a few of the changes you suggested. Its seemed to help it a lot as far as flow...but somehow it still seems a little awkward to me...meh, I guess this poem is just one of those works in progress, it has good meaning but
its going to take a little work to make all the words fit together...oh well, one of these days I will get it right.

Thanks for the review!

-Justlittleoleme