To the girl with blonde hair who made my life a bit brighter

I love your messages. Sweeter than your tea.
I like how you ask if I'll be out, although I always am.
I like how you'll come find me.
I like how your eyes light up the room when you see me,
the corners of your lips tug into the most brilliant smile possible,
and I can't help but smile back.

I love your cwtches. Which last forever...
I love how you hold onto me. Firm and soft, comforting.
I like the way my fingers fit around your waist.
How you melt into an embrace. And never stop.

I like how your hair smells. I like the feeling of it on my skin
when my cheek rests in the crook of your neck.
I like how when I kiss your cheek I feel you smile.

I love how you don't let go
until the very last moment, and you look at me,
smiling.

I like our chats. Which start over nothing, yet cover everything.
I like the sound of your voice,
and the words you use.

I love your laugh. You become illuminating.
All shining eyes and glittering smiles.
Pale skin and blonde hair.
Blue eyes and red lips.
Truely complimentary.

Unlike the date, the weather and the fashions, your smile never changes.
Just shines.
And you shine so bright,
You put the stars to shame.

Smile?

I like this. I feel that technically I should tell you to add more figurative language, but one thing I like about this is the simplicity. There's one spelling mistake - "truely" should be "truly." Also I think you're just a little too general. That's my main complaint. Really, anyone could have written this, the way this is now. If you can make it more specific to you, it could be great. Don't be afraid to make it specific to you - people will still be able to relate to it. And it will be better.

Hope this helped!

~Blue

Please don't be disheartened, don't follow any advise of a cliff, take it at face value and so on. This will be blunt.

RED means cliché.
Blue means a technical error.
Green means weak writing.
Black means damn good writing

ethanswish wrote:I love your messages. Sweeter than your tea.
I like how you ask if I'll be out, although I always am.
I like how you'll come find me.
I like how your eyes light up the room when you see me,
the corners of your lips tug into the most brilliant smile possible,(why do you place a comma here?)
and I can't help but smile back.

Okay so, first thing that I noticed is the repition of I like how... Why? When we write we innately mimic styles and formatting that we admire, and sometimes we take the bad and leave the good, if that makes sense. Repetition can be a strength in any form of writing. But it has to be repetition that drives the story forward, that contributes more. IT can't be repetition that could be removed with out consequence. Let's have a look shall we?

I like how;
you ask if I'll be out, although I always am.
you'll come find me.
your eyes light up the room when you see me,
I love your cwtches. Which last forever...

Much better.

I love how you hold onto me. Firm and soft, comforting.
I like the way my fingers fit around your waist.
How you melt into an embrace. And never stop.

Okay so take out the likes/loves. You hold onto me is a really poor image. Show don't tell, talk about how she takes (you) the narrator in. Words like clutch, snatch, grasp, long, hurt for. But take it further describe the image and expand it.

You take me, a crow in your hands,
careful not to crush me

Something like that but less cliché. Also embrace is rather really cliché in a love poem.

I like how your hair smells. I like the feeling of it on my skin
when my cheek rests in the crook of your neck.
I like how when I kiss your cheek I feel you smile.

A very strange first line. Not the act of noticing the scent of her hair but the way it's worded almost implies actively sniffing it. If that makes sense? Its like saying.

I ran to the bus.

when you should say

I ran to catch the bus.

In one the act is rather passive, a means to an end, in the other it is active. One implies running for the sake of running and one implies running to avoid missing the bus. You see? With that in mind, the original would read better as.

I like drawing breath,
Your scent, like...

I love how you don't let go
until the very last moment, and you look at me,
smiling.

I like our chats(what? this is far too colloquial, this is a line your girlfriend likes, but readers hate. . Which start over nothing,(you need to decide when to use commas and when to use line breaks because your flow is off at times.) yet cover everything.
I like the sound of your voice,( I'm not sure but I think you overuse commas to be safe, use commas to provide a break, to keep the rhythm, by all means, but don't use a comma and a line break arbitrarily. Use one or the other unless a comma is technically required at the end of the line - which it isn't in this case.)
and the words you use.

I love your laugh. You become illuminating.
Allshining eyes and glittering smiles.
Pale skin and blonde hair.
Blue eyes and red lips (this should be red/green because it is really weak).
Truely(no 'e' in truly, methinks) complimentary.

Unlike the date, the weather and the fashions, your smile never changes.
Just shines.
And you shine so bright,
You put the stars to shame.

Smile?

Okay.

I know it seems harsh, and there are a lot of changes but trust me when I say this is how you learn. Take a sledge hammer, cover this with a white satin sheet, then come down it over and over until you can barely lift your arms.

Leave it in pieces, then come back to it and build it up again. You have some good lines, and this can be really strong, but you wrote a love poem, the act itself is cliché -- so naturally avoiding clichés is going to be tough. But come on, Blue eyes, red lips even if this is factually accurate and this is a poem about someone you know, find another way of saying it. Eyes like a spring sky? Cherry tomato lips, pursed? I don't know, I'm no poet, ask anybody.

JP

I love your cwtches. Which last forever...

I never trust words without vowels in them.

But Grif, it's part of the Welsh language...

Do you really trust people who can't put vowels in their words? Really?

But Grif...

Don't you mean "Bt Grf?"

Moving on...

Let's call this poem what it is: a big pile of lovey dovey mush. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful to have a girl in your life that inspires mushy poetry. But this poem is almost in the same category as navel-gazing; only instead of "look at me!" it's more like "look at how much I love you!" So instead of being about her, it's about you (or more accurately, how she makes you feel.)

Such a poem can not do justice to such a girl!

The one part of the poem which I like is this one:

Unlike the date, the weather and the fashions, your smile never changes.
Just shines.
And you shine so bright,
You put the stars to shame.

What I like about this is that you don't use the word "I." There is nothing about how she affects you, there is nothing about you at all. Instead, for this one stanza, we have pure admiration of her and what she is. I like that because it reminds me of the women I have met with those qualities. When you re-write your mush pile, endeavor to remove yourself from the poem as much as possible, so that the reader can put themselves into the poem.