Vampire high intro

Characters
Jezabel (most popular girl)17
Kyle (Jezabels older Brother and one of the most popular guys) 19
Tyler (Jezabels best friend)17
Jace (other popular boy, Justins best friend, and Jezabels enemy) 18 and hes new to the school
Haile(Jaces sister and kinda popular) 17 new to the school
Jesse ( Jaces brother kinda popular)19 new to the school

~Jezabel~
"kyle i need to talk to you!" I sang as I knocked on his door " Kyle did you hear about the new-" i stopped short when I looked around the room and he wasnt their! " hmm more money for me!" i grabed a note pad and wrote: Mhahahah hm $50? I dont think that mom and dad would want their oldest son sneeking out would they? Lov ya! Your loving sister Jez hehehe i love my job! and my mom wounders why i dont need a job well when she was here any ways. I pote the note on his pellow and walked out the door connecting are rooms and grab my phone and call tyler.
"hello?" he said sounding sleepy
" heyy Tyler"
" oh hey Jeza-"
" DON"T YOU DARE!" i hated being called my full name so...
" ok im sorry, so whats up?"
"want to come over i'm lonley " i said sounding like a little girl
" k be over their in 10"
"ok bye!" i hung up before i heard an ancer and went to through on a Purplre v-neck shirt and skinny jeans and went to go make snacks *ding dong* Hes here i thought to my self and ran to open the door.

~Tyler~
Ah shes like a little sister to me, I lover her so much! I thought as i through on some jeans a t-shirt and walked out the door. Shes really pretty with her grey eyes and firey red hair! wait where did that come from? i asked myself as i wlked up the stairs to her house. Did i like her more then a friend/sister? i thought to myself and rung the door bell

i'm sorry to say this but your intro is full of mistakes. Some are:

“when I looked around the room and he wasnt their!”- Its THERE.
“ " hmm more money for me!" i grabed ”- Its GRABBED.
“dad would want their oldest son sneeking out would they?”- Its SNEAKING
“ my mom wounders why i dont need a job well when she was here any ways.”- there is something wrong with this sentence. I don’t know what, but you have to fix it.
“my mom wounders why i dont need a job well when she was here any ways.”- its WONDERS

Although you did have a couple of positives, such as:

“" hmm more money for me!" i grabed a”- great alliteration.

i think you should consider resubmiting your intro after going through it more. i look forward to reading it because it actually sounds like a good story!

keep writing!

Honestly.

...

This hurt my eyes to read.

Jezzy wrote:Characters
Jezabel (most popular girl)17
Kyle (Jezabels older Brother and one of the most popular guys) 19
Tyler (Jezabels best friend)17
Jace (other popular boy, Justins best friend, and Jezabels enemy) 18 and hes new to the school
Haile(Jaces sister and kinda popular) 17 new to the school
Jesse ( Jaces brother kinda popular)19 new to the school

No. No. Nononononononono. No.

You never, ever, ever put a list of the characters before the chapter. Have you ever in your life read a book where this happens? Ever? You show us who these people are through the story, you introduce them in the actual narration.

This is what your story looks like, what's red is mistakes:

Spoiler

"kyle i need to talk to you!" I sang as I knocked on his door " Kyle did you hear about the new-" i stopped short when I looked around the room and he wasnt their! " hmm more money for me!" i grabed a note pad and wrote: Mhahahah hm $50? I dont think that mom and dad would want their oldest son sneeking out would they?

...You know what. Never mind. I'll be here for ages.

This is what your story would look like with proper grammar and correct spelling and I tried to make it actually coherent:

Spoiler

"Kyle, I need to talk to you!" I sang as I knocked on his door.

"Kyle, did you hear about the new-" I stopped short when I looked around the room and realized he wasn't there.

"Hmm, more money for me!" I grabbed a note pad and wrote: Mwahahaha, hmm 50 dollars? I dont think that mom and dad would want their oldest son sneaking out would they? Love ya! Your loving sister, Jez

Hehe, I love my job! My mom wonders why I don't need a job, well, when she was here anyway. I put the note on his pillow and walked out the door connecting our rooms and grabbed my phone and called Tyler.

"Hello?" he said, sounding sleepy.

"Hey Tyler

"Oh, hey Jeza-"

"Don't you dare!" I yelled. I hated being called my full name.

"Okay, I'm sorry. So whats up?"

"Want to come over? I'm lonely." I said, sounding like a little girl.

"Okay, I'll be over there in ten."

"Okay bye!" I hung up before I heard an answer and went to throw on a purple v-neck shirt and skinny jeans. I went to go make snacks

I heard the door bell ring.

"He's here!" I thought to myself and ran to open the door.

~Tyler~

"Ah, she's like a little sister to me, I love her so much!" I thought as I threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and walked out the door.

"She's really pretty with her grey eyes and fiery red hair! Wait, where did that come from?" I asked myself as i walked up the stairs to her house.

"Do I like her more then a friend and sister?" I thought to myself as I rung the door bell.

Um, I'm not even going to talk about plot or characters. You need to use proper grammar and spelling. A simple spell-check will fix that for you. Spellcheck.net is a perfect one. This may sound harsh but poor grammar and spelling is not okay for this website and you really need to fix that problem.

After you fix the spelling and grammar, PM me or send me a message on my wall and I'll talk about plot/characters/etc.

Favorite Line: N/A

Grade: F

~Jas

Hi

Right you need to use capital letters. My pet hate is incorrect use of capital letters - I have a friend who never capitalises 'i' just to annoy me!

Overall I think this needs lots of work but that is mostly on the spelling and grammer. I also don't like the use of smilies in writing because it makes the who piece seem awkward.

- apple96