I'll Lie

I've wanted to review this for some time, but everytime my fingers strike the keys, I look up to only find vitriol.

It's not you, I swear. Hell, it may not even be the poem. I just don't think a work of this calibre warrants such attention. But praise continues to pile, and days pass without a slip from the featured ranks. And none of the critical senior members of the site, those who trawl the poetry forums appraising work such as this, seem to have reviewed this. So I will do my best to offer you a critique, and hopefully shed a little light. I will begin -- as I do -- by disclaiming expertise, I am no poet. In addition, poetry is a whisper, a thought, a moment, it's not always going to appeal to others, sometimes the best poetry doesn't and dare-I-say vice-versa.

So, to the poem itself. I won't do a line by line, because any errors are reoccurring.

Writers, especially poets, mold the future of language. We must always find unique and better ways to say things, we must avoid the old, worn lines. This is why clichés hurt. And they aren't so easy to spot, sometimes it is a matter of saying things the same old way, when a new exciting way is available -- you just haven't thought of it yet. Part of me thinks you got lazy at times, but I think you just require an outside perspective to really weed out these little issues. So I will list the lines that could do with another look, some head scratching, some trial and error.

Looking for beauty in everything,
Even if that beauty

I would as soon see any thing else here. When I think 'beauty' I don't think much at all, it doesn't offer me any insight into what the subject is searching for. It's vague, in a way, and rather worn.

The world is so dangerous

There is a much better way of saying this. This is almost as cliche as saying 'the world is so dark.'

won't mind

'wow, it rhymes, brilliant!!1!' But really, don't say it because it rhymes. It's not so bad, many of the rhymes you get away with, but here it just doesn't do. You can show us, I know you want to maintain this childish (and at times, condescending) tone, but please avoid infantile/simple lines. It costs you an authentic original voice.

people are good deep inside

I'm not sure if this is a matter of sticking to your rhyme scheme or? but why say 'deep inside?' Why? It's cliché, talking about surface and depth, to begin with but I really don't understand why you included those two little words? If you are writing for us, the reader, consider us as you write, what are we going to take from each line? Can you trim a little fat? Is it conveying any important information or image? No.

People kill each other all the time

You knew it was coming, like the bump after a opossum flashes in your headlights. All the time cliché, and contributes nothing, absolutely nothing. Again I believe this was forced in, to appease this structure/scheme you have going.

you make me so weak?

How so? Does she make you wide eyed at midnight? does she make your feeble and scared? does she make your chest heave against the uncertainty? I'm smarting for an image, it's like a love letter so far. But a love letter written by a paranoid father, as opposed to the great poet you are.

Like grey streets, humiliation, pain
It's enough to drive me insane

And this is the closest we get. First line, great. Second line, well I won't continue. (It's dreadful bad)

beyond all repair

Another cliché.

life is unfair

And one last one for good measure.

So. There it is. You can win praise and attention, with silly rhymes and pecks on the cheek, or you can leave a resounding image, a cattle brand, deep in the readers psyche. Something hurting and bitter, something that they want to forget, before they doze off. I think the biggest issue with this, other than the glaring clichés, is they way you force rhymes. Rhymes aren't the end, they are the means. You really must remember why you write poetry, it isn't to rhyme car and are I hope.

PM me if you have any concerns, or if you want examples etc. I really hope I wasn't too harsh. But trust me you needed this.

JP

(I will click 'like,' it ain't easy.)

Hi!!
Oh god I cried when I read this, and I havent cried since I broke my arm in Kindy!!!!
I applaude no,no I WORSHIP you for making me cry. And for some reason, when I read it, I get flashbacks to Vampire Knight...
Anyway, this is very well written Good Job!!!!!!!

I liked this poem, it was cute. But, it didn't get really passionate until the last stanza. I can see the hints of romance intertwined in this piece, but in a real good poem, it's a little more explicit through out the poem. I liked how you also rhymed but, there were some cases where it only rhymed because of the spelling or the way it was pronounced. The places where it only rhymed because of the spelling threw me off, and the other cases were okay. But, I seriously think this would be even better if it were a little more free verse, but that's completely up to the author. Overall, I enjoyed this poem, it was interesting, and the passion that I saw was flawless! Keep on writing!