I liked the effect of the rhymes, although some of them (e.g. dance/distance) are more half-rhymes and sound a little strained. When rhyming, be careful that none of the rhymes are contrived, so that everything is something you would say if you weren't trying to make it rhyme (would you normally write "my impression is astray"?) But generally I didn't think that was much of a problem.
I definitely felt what you were trying to communicate and overall it made a lovely piece. However, if you're new to poetry, the next step might be trying to incorporate some imagery/figurative language rather than taking everything literally (although of course don't overdo it!)
"What if, doctor, we need these knots and these tangles because they're the only things holding our souls down - and if we untied the knots and untangled the tangles and stretched them out ... would our souls just float away?" ~Luke Kennard, A Practical Course in Entry Level Expressionism
Hello. I can't believe that you're new to this. You seem to do pretty well here. If you hadn't mentioned that, I would've probably thought you do poetry more than art. =P Anyway, the first thing which I noticed about the poem is the rhythm. You've got ample amount of rhyming words here. It's not always necessary to make it rhyme but I guess you already know that. You've used simple words here that are understandable. So I guess I could say you got your message across to the readers perfectly. No grammatical errors here. I can't detect any other faults either. I really like the way you've ended it with those five words (it actually made me laugh) but it doesn't really seem to link with the paragraph above it. I'm not good at poetry otherwise I might have been able to give you good advice. Sorry about that.
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away
First off, Please don't 'copyright' your work. It is automatically copyrighted to begin with, but it's a little annoying and distracting. It makes the reader think about Payne rather than Knowledge. If you insist on copyrighting it(no ones going to steal it, and if they did you could still sue them) then please, place it at the foot, so I'm not distracted by it when I read, and for-christs-sake use your real name, if you're bold enough to place a copyright symbol before your work, be bold enough to stand by it with a real name. /Rant
Now for the poem itself. This is far too long. It drags on with medial rhymes, then concludes with a series of bizarre adjectives that don't set the piece of, but rather eventuate the flaws of the piece. If a child read this they would consider it great poetry, because it rhymes and is stock full of lengthy words. But the truth is it is lacking. You not once conjure a convincing image. You seem to address the subject directly and literally, it's more of a love letter than a poem. Then you tie it up with the line
these are qualities I see in you[sic]
In the history of poetry has there ever been a less poetic closing line? seriously. I know I am being harsh now, but harsh is good. That's how we learn. Okay after all that I should really site an example.
You see in me the perfect ignorance,
Show don't tell still applies to poetry. I will confess, I don't write poetry. In fact I am about to write the first line of poetry I have ever written,
Your gaze ousts me, tears from me Ignorance...
Now a line like that is stronger because there is a (weak) image, of a strong gaze, also an image of someone resisting it and losing something to it, then the next line begins what is lost, what the subject finds. If that makes any sense at all.
So to sum it up, I think you need to stop worrying about rhyming -- it's really overrated, and start worrying about getting some flow and rhythm. Any way I hope this in some way helps.
Sorry about that.
