cardinal on a wire singing your heart out to the world where no one listens to you i know you and you know me - you come here every spring and then you fly away without me
Last edited by Vervain on Tue Sep 27, 2011 1:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sad poem, but quite beautiful I made a connection between the bird and the wire, as though this is it's 'life line', like a wire to someones heart. This singing allows it to release bad energy and so he sings so that he/she can carry on. Only thing I would say, and it's only very petty, but capitals should be appropriately placed.
Ofcourse it is in your head, but why does that mean that it is not real? - Wisest man I've ever known, Albus Dumbledore.
Short, sweet and to the point. I read a bit in depth on this and it made me a bit sad reading it. It tells me about loneliness and how sad it is to be left behind. I would like to see some more emotions in here, stronger words maybe. Also, I would get rid of the punctuation in it, all except the dash. There is only one comma so it feels really unnecessary, plus the lack of punctuation gives it a much more simpler look I think. That would be about my only critique because it really is a good poem.
Ciao! Write more like this!
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.
I understand about the capitals. This is one of my works that has nothing capitalised at all, which was common for the "phase" I was going through at the time. More of my works have some capitals than others; some have none at all. A majority have capitals on the personal I's but no other letter. It really depends on when I wrote it.
And I might get rid of the punctuation to simplify it - now that's a thought! Ridding myself of punctuation instead of adding more. - edit - I did get rid of the commas; it looks simpler now, and I think I like it. I might not, though, so I'm going to keep another version with the punctuation intact. ^^
I really do enjoy these short poems of yours. I'm not a big poetry reader, ask anybody, but I do like the subtlety of your work. And the simple lines, the quiet images. There is no climax, no denouement; rather a nuance, a bump in the road. Again with this, you stir something in me, and you don't waste any words.
Everything has to be taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to be true. It's the currency of living. There may be nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference so long as it is honoured. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume? — Player (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)