Life's Conclude

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Gender Male
Points 1457
Reviews 76
Spoiler
This was straight out of my gut. I'm sure a lot of writers feel like this sometimes. You may see a trace of my past in this.


I feel contrived and slighted by mankind,
Shut me down- I’m no longer here and now,
Feel my arms; touch this chest of disturbed remorse,
My thoughts are naught- these things slide through emptiness

Crash for me,
I will not wait for you,
Die with me,
This past cannot redo

What’s life’s conclude?
Then you say, “Day.”
But my night’s recluse,
Is here to stay

Auburn-haired, flesh under my skin,
Don’t you hear?
My heart’s yearned for this:
One more song, just with you

Because forever’s gone away,
There’s just now, dear girl,
“From here on out,” you say,
“Introverts sing and die and toil.”

Hotel rooms, carpets scratching feet,
Gunshots ring, and then ears zing,
Music plays- just vibrations!
“Come here, to me- just come.”

But then you fade away,
And, “God!”- I’m left alone,
“What’s this,” you say,
“The Devil’s got your pay?”

And now I sit down,
“Savior, come.”
Silence bends the nightly rays,
And then there’s darkness again, until Today

Because Today is not my own,
On the ‘morrow, I will die,
Content, ‘cuz here I lie,
With you now- to reap what I have sown




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Gender Female
Points 4115
Reviews 31
Hi! :)
Great imagery, it's really beautiful and your words give the reader an immediate picture.
Maybe though don't worry so much about making the poem ryhme as sometimes it seems forced?
Such as:

"What’s this,” you say,
“The Devil’s got your pay?”

I loved the first line though! A perfect eye catcher, but then I get a bit lost so maybe explain
what is happening a bit more? otherwise it's just a beautiful image and doesnt get the meaning
across as well as it should.
Also one MINOR typo probably, just the 'cus. The poem has such strong words you dont want to ruin them
with a misspelt 'cause or maybe 'because' would actually work? It would create a nice reason to pause
and make the last line more effective.
Otherwise I absolutely loved it and hope my opinions helped. They are just that, opinions.
Kepp writing!
T x
This is what we do. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more.With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing: the pure, ineffable yearning to be saved. For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on. God help us. God forgive us. We live on. - Shantaram




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Gender Female
Points 4140
Reviews 45
It seems like this particular piece just flows well. As if the words just came to you all at once and you wrote them down. The imagery was very amazing! I read it maybe three times, to get the meaning absorbed and understood. It's very deep right from the beginning. The only grammar error I saw was 'cuz. For this one, I would suggest just putting 'cause instead of because mainly because it fits the character of the poem. The speaker has done something wrong that they cannot take back, and the slight slang word would be good to help describe the type of person the speaker is. The speaker would be-seemingly from the poem-blunt and very tough on the outside. Basically adding the tone of disgust as they describe the very end of the situation.

I really hope that makes sense. xD But that's just a suggestion; choosing one word over the other won't kill anyone. It was an excellent read, very thoughtful, and deep. I expect much more from you. :]
"You have brains in your head and feet in your shoes - you can steer yourself in any direction you choose!" - Dr. Seuss
~
Will Review For Food



A ruler leads by example, not force.
— Sun Tzu