Engulfed In Sin

Last night might not have been the holiest night,
I’ve committed sins and I’m tired of repenting,
Tired of crying and tired of resenting.
The monstrous howls that wake me up each night,
I awaken because I don’t want to face the horrible day light.
I walk towards my true destiny,
My true self,
My desired version of ecstasy.

It draws me in,
Taking all of my soul into its grotesque grasp,
The gruesome fist around me tightens,
Making me gasp for air and my chest to enlighten.
I’ve wanted this for so long,
The bloody sin I’ve restrained from.
It’s back again, serving its utmost gratification,
Whilst I dwell in it with extreme satisfaction.

I curl my toes and uncurl my fingers,
That black lace, hanging from my shoulder
As I stare at the red pool in front of me.
My eyes glitter with delight,
Whilst my heart gives up its ultimate fight.

Save me God,
I’ve sinned once again.
Forgive me my Lord
Because it’s your blessing I could never afford….

I like the idea behind this, but I feel it could use more imagery. Also - for the most part, the rhyming doesn't sound awkward, but there is one spot where it does:

The gruesome fist around me tightens,
Making me gasp for air and my chest to enlighten.

The "and my chest to enlighten" doesn't really make sense, and, as I said, it's just awkward.

Also, "gratification" doesn't rhyme with "satisfaction" - obviously the words go along with the poem (and with each other), but they don't rhyme whereas the rest of the lines do, so this is a little weird because it also deviates from the pattern.

Hope this helps!

~Blue

Hi. What sin is the person committing? this was unclear. i didn't personally like this poem as it was dark and a bit odd, but i thought it was quite good. You could try writing something a bit happier. The rhymes were mainly good, although i agree about the aukward bits.

Wow, this is really good and made me feel a lot. You gave very good images and it had a lot of good words to elaborate how you were feeling. I really enjoyed reading this and made me think and feel a lot of emotion. When I finished reading it I just had to reread it and I enjoyed it ever more because i understood it. I even found some other things I missed the first time. This is the type of poem you could read a million times and still not have gotten all that you had put in it!! I loved this!! Keep writing!