Loneliness Soul

Hi
I think that was a really amazing poem. =D
Just one thing...

SteppinRazor wrote:When will she wake how will she feel,

I think it should be ''When will she wake , how will she feel,''
Apart from this it was amazing.
- Angelreader77

Wow. So much emotion and depth in this poem. I could really relate as well because I recently went through a period where I felt very small and alone...

I love how you put the image in at the beginning. But i think maybe you should you put it at the end because in the beginning I expected to see something about a zombie looking girl with a blank look rather than someone crying. (Which I would expect to see at the end).

I love your writing. I loved how it wasn't exactly in verses... which was a nice change. Somehow the poem does split in two parts, but they both link up very well... I only have one thing to criticize. I think you wrote your poem very well, and sometimes I felt there should be a comma and didn't put it in. I'm not one for posting your w-h-o-l-e poem and showing you where you should put them but say it out loud how you want to and you'll find that there may be places you pause, and need to put in a comma. Wow, that was a long sentence. Should've broken it up a bit. Back to your poem, my favourite line has to be:

SteppinRazor wrote:For lonely she waits and lonely she dies.

Very great, deep and a highly touching poem. Loved it so much it deserves a 'like'!

Deanie x

This is such an absolute amazing poem. It's so moving and textured. The funny thing is, poems are often really personal, and difficult to decode, but this poem is the severity of an emotion on a silver platter. I can feel every single word. From my interpretation, It's as if you don't want to feel and yearn to slip into the field of nothingness.. but can't because of the gravity holding you down to earth. You feel lonely; and alone, wanting someone to reach out to you, yet at the same time not wanting it. I love the depth of this poem. It's as if it's a dark room, and you are the only light in that room. You just wish someone could save you from the coldness and hollowness of that room, that lonely dark room. This was a beautiful poem. Keep writing

very well written and is very touching
the way you had described the soul and the womans body was very brilliant in comparison to her loneliness she feels

Keep up the good work and NEVER give up.

Steppin,

Spoiler

I have made an eyesore of code above me. I am making a point. Do not give your reader an eyesore to look at before your poem. It tells me you: don't have confidence in your own poem's content, can't trust your imagery, or have no appreciation for aesthetics and your audience's sensibilities. This picture doesn't matter and has no relevance to your poem. Please refrain from things like this for your own writing's sake and development.

Also, please consider a new title. You suffer from redundancy here and it gets worse in the poem itself.

Oh well.

Her body is present but with no soul,

Her thoughts are blank, the loneliness stole.

She feels alone, looks around but no one is there.

She feels solitaire, this loneliness one she doesn't want to bear.

Her body is there, but her mind is not.

She feels alone, alone is how she will rot.

She is present, but not her soul,

Her mind is searching for what that loneliness stole.

When will she wake, how will she feel,

When she thought this loneliness was fake, it turned to be real.

Who will be there when this reality hits,

Who will embrace her for her heart breaks to bits.

Alone she must stay, alone she can't flee,

Her body fades and turns to dust,

Her soul disappears and she cries,

For lonely she waits and lonely she dies.

First thing first: 25 personal pronouns in 16 lines. That means that roughly 1/4 of your poem has nothing to do with content, sensory descriptions, detail, etc. It's not even babble, it's just "her" and "she". Familiarize yourself with the following concept: economy of words. Poems need to have mastery of rhetoric, and they need to be aware of what is too much and too little, but even more so the right diction and cohesion; pronouns and modifiers are perfect ways for beginners to mess everything up.

I would advise you take out 90% of your pronouns first, to help us get a grounded feeling past this internal woe woe woe.

Next look at your form. Italicized words? What's this mean? How do I interpret this? What's the point? And why are all of the lines separate? Be conscious of your writing.

Now your content. I want to type "OH TEH DRAMA", because...there is a lot of inferred drama, but no real substance. Was she raped? Was she molested? Was she run over by her own father in his truck after he chased her for an entire night yelling her name and accusing her of murdering her mother and instead of dying somehow lived for several more hours with a broken back, choking on her own blood and hearing nothing but the sounds of the forest at night? So then, how did all of it feel? What did it look like? Your poem has none of this deep emotional resonance from you for me to touch on and you badly need it.

Spoiler

^More awful code, and a terribly dramatic picture that almost mocks your own poem.

Really think about what you show your audience. Food for thought.