To Hush The Violent Guilt

With flaming pitch forks
and frozen rocks
we build ourselves apart.
We get closer but further away
with every word.
You say we are together
but so clearly we are
apart.

Our minds twist and change
till we can no longer
remember each others names.
If you thought we were so perfect,
why do you find nothing
in me that you wouldn't change?
Imperfection is the key to
perfection.

So I have hushed the violent
guilt that never dies.
The guilt that you and I
did not have true love.
But that you and I were
created with the very thing
that drove us
apart.

Our flaming pitch forks
and frozen rocks.

Okay, so, overall I liked this. There are just a couple things I would change.

One is this:

"we build ourselves apart.
We get closer but further away
with every word.
You say we are together
but so clearly we are
apart."

First of all, just a small nitpick and a matter of taste, I would put "and" instead of "but" between "closer" and "further."

Next: Having "apart" twice in this stanza feels repetitive. Also, the last three lines, especially the last two, are just kind of blah compared to the beginning of the stanza (and the rest of the poem). I would consider revising or discarding this - it's unnecessary, since right before that you say "we get closer but further away with every word," which gives us the same idea the next three lines do. (Also, "further away" sounds weird..."apart" would be better HERE, if you can find a way to change it in the third line and last line."

And then a question: Why guilt? Why does the narrator feel guilt over the fact that this was not a true love? I can see her feeling guilt because maybe she didn't work hard enough at their relationship or something, but why would she feel guilt that this was not a true love? To me it would make more sense if she felt sad about it instead, or if she felt guilt because she said and did all the wrong things and kind of drove him off or something. If you understand me.

However, I like the imagery of the pitch forks and rocks, and I like the part about perfection. Those five lines are really good and provoking. (The reader reads them and goes, "Yeah! Why DID you keep complaining about all my qualities???" Or something like that.)

So just try to figure out why she's feeling GUILT about all this, and consider revising the first stanza, and this should be good.



~Blue

It's so incredibly moving and although as readers it is impossible to totally understand where it is you're coming from, we are intrigued and would like to hear the deeper story. Well done

Hey there, Snickerdooly. Scarlett here to review your poem. ^^

First off. Wow. I really like how you begin and end this poem. Nice imagery, there. This poem is fascinating, and I like it. The flow is amazing and the imagery is brilliant. I like the way you've set this out and the message of this poem is interesting. I like it. It's unique and moving, and it has a bit of a guilt complex thing, among others. This poem has layers, and that's a good thing. Sadly, I have no nitpicks.

Overall, it's a wonderfully imaginative little poem. It's a brilliant, bittersweet and almost depressing poem, but it has just the right amount of it. And I adore it. *clicks like* I hope this helped, even a little. And thank you very much for the wonderful and beautifully bittersweet poetry. Keep writing, and don’t ever give up!

~Scar.

This one is good; I like it. The way you used your imagery has created an incerdible feeling towards to the readers. So far, I've recently learned something about poetry: Avoid using cliche when writing poetry because it sent a lesser expression to the readers. Mostly, one of my members refrain from using cliche to create a vivid feeling in every sentence. I'll give you a hint; "living dead." this phrase has been repeated all the time; we can jumble some word to invent a better one. I guess that's all I can say to you now...

It's up to you if you'd consider my suggestions or not.