Fog - Part 2/10

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A/N
Spoiler
Read part 1 first.


II – A run in with Rafa and the cowboy

It was only a few steps, but by the time I got to the door my lungs itched as if I was breathing in lint. Inside, the diner had a few customers scattered about but it was much quieter than usual. To my surprise Joe himself was in, though he wasn’t behind the counter. He sat with a group of truckers, downing coffee and eating eggs. As he spoke, he tilted his head forward and pointed at them with the tip of his knife. I ordered a coffee and a hot chocolate for Janey and while I waited, I shifted into earshot, listening to the knot of truckers.

"You going to make it back for game seven," the biggest one was saying with a southern drawl.

"Ah I don't mind if I miss it, only got to get a load to Portland by Tuesday and I can listen to the game on the way back," replied another, " You catch the game yesterday? Top of the ninth Met's 9 Cards 7, two outs and that rookie, Cavalho, was at the plate. He had a couple at first and third. He swung at two then, I tell you he got hold of that third one, put it out of the park. Card's win ten - nine."

The other's whistled their admiration then each took a gulp from their mugs. They continued talking baseball and I tuned out.

Joe looked up and caught me working over the weather conundrum.

“Ross, my old friend, have a seat and grab some food.”
“Hey Joe, I’ve got my girl out in the car so I've just grabbed something to go.”

“Oh that’s not such a great idea, I just had a road worker in and he’s gone up to shut off Little Rock Road, and by the looks of it they will shut off all the roads for now.”

“Here you are, Mr. Stone, would you like to add a muffin to the coffee for 99 cents?”

I realised it was Sarah Griffin, a local girl who baby-sat once when Tara and I went south for her father’s funeral.

“Oh, no, it’s fine Sarah. Can you tell me what the time is?”

She glanced down at the cash register, then looked up with the same expression she had probably given every other customer that morning.

“It’s ten-to-eight.”

I went to move to the door. That’s when it started.

The door was yanked open. Rafa, our gardener, stumbled into the diner. I found my eyes centre on his, and I got the feeling I wasn’t alone. The fog eddied into the diner for a moment then the door swung back. The white of his eye was full of blood and his mouth flapped like a landed trout.

“Rafa?” I said, edging closer with my hands out. His eyes darted about, then the settled on me. He looked like the sex offender mugshots you see tacked up power poles in livid suburbs. Beware: this man. With lewd indifference in the eyes, looped in sleepless bruise.

He retreated slowly still watching me, now with a heavy suspicious brow and eyes moving to anything that gave a sudden move. It was silent, there was a family down one corner, and the truckers sat still awkwardly eyeing Rafa. In a booth, a young couple who were necking and laughing a moment ago now silently held each other.

“Rafa, are you okay?”

Sweat started in his catfish moustache. Then he turned through the door and into the dark mist. He may have only traveled a yard before his limbs disappeared. His red shirt hovered ghostlike and a second later, he was gone.

Nobody spoke. An urge washed over me, as though I had woken in a burning room. I needed to hold Janey. I rushed out. Through the door with a hand over my mouth. There she was, the belt still holding her up. I opened the door, unclipped her and she came effortlessly into my arms. She stirred a little, and clung to my neck as she sucked the thumb of her free hand. People still didn’t speak when we got back inside. The trucker with the brick red forearms at last mustered words.

“Damn drunken Mexican.” He didn’t get the reception he expected and his dopey grin quickly disappeared.

Conversation barely restarted. It was silent and everything seemed still. The parents of the family talked with serious faces occasionally glancing back over to the door. The couple were still tight in each other’s arms not quite smiling. The truckers went back to baseball talk but they spoke slowly and glanced out at the fog like TV static. I was happy to sit down, have my coffee and some pancakes and wait.

Sarah, the babysitter, took my order and she smiled at Janey, who was dozing off again. I found a seat and noticed one person tucked into the adjacent booth, who had apparently been unfazed by Rafa’s catatonia. He was a man with a curled white moustache and under the brim of a white cowboy’s hat sat brilliant blue eyes. I’m not sure what was in the flask on the table but whatever it was, it was going down smooth, in unflinching mouthfuls. He didn’t meet my gaze as I carried Janey by, just took another swig with a sullen look.

Janey started her hot chocolate, then slipped back to sleep, with my thigh as her pillow. I felt the cowboy’s brilliant blue eyes sharpen on me. I downed the pancakes quickly without looking up and sat a while; the fog was too thick to go anywhere anymore so we would stay until it cleared.

I noticed a clock on the far wall. It was 8:15 and still black as midnight out there. I could have dozed off with Janey on my lap. But something kept me awake. It may have been the staring cowboy or perhaps it was the scene reeling over from my dreams, the dinghy and Janey’s eyes filled with terror, her piercing cry. I wouldn’t fall asleep, not here.

The cowboy shuffled to the edge of his booth, he glanced over and tipped his hat with his index finger.

I suddenly realised what was in the flask; his breath carried the pungent trademark scent of whiskey.

“Hello Mr. Stone.”
Spoiler
Last edited by joshuapaul on Fri Sep 16, 2011 7:48 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Hi again. :]

So there was one main thing here which I really like, and that's the relationship between Ross and Janey. It's not that nauseating I'm-head-over-heels-for-my-kid relationship. It's very smooth and endearing and just an overall tight part of your story. I think a relationship like this is vital, too. You have a character that you MC is especially attached to, which could call for some interesting ups and downs as the story progresses I think, seeing as this is a thriller you say? I think this is a great thing you have going on. But that could also just be because I'm a girl, and I totally go for that sappy cutesy stuff every now and then when it's properly executed.

There was a general scene in here that I was slightly at odds with, which I'll just go ahead and quote part of real quick:

His palms pressed his temples. The white of his eye was full of blood and his mouth flapped like a landed trout.


Right here here when you're describing the gardener darting in, this put off a sort of dramatic reaction in me. It was all very abrupt and then in the same it all quickly ceased. At first thought I was imagining this was because of the weird fog, but nobody else was being effected and Rafa just walked off. Then the scene was just over like that. I suppose due to this chapter of the story being so short, it might be awkward tweaking it up a bit so the whole scene doesn't seem so sudden or abruptly shooed off, but I think this part might need some sort of attention. I couldn't exactly tell you how so, but some way so that it doesn't come off random and leave the readers mind thinking so intently on it.

The stereotype of the poor Mexican gardener: funny and downplayed just right I think. And for the record I'm Mexican/Spanish, so I know I shouldn't sound like a snob when I say this. xD I had a friend named Rafa, but it was short for Rafael. Good name choice I think, considering you didn't go with the old cookie-cutter Jose or Juan.

I also wanted to point out that your dialogue seems to be very well realistic. I'm a huge fan of honest dialogue, though when I read a few words in some of your sentences it can come off a bit stiffer than if a person were actually speaking these words. Like right here for example:

“Hey Joe, I’ve got my girl out in the car so I have just grabbed something to go.”


I read that in my head and pair it with your character and it doesn't roll as well off the tongue. Conjunctions could be good to place here and there in these areas. It's not really a big deal, and it obviously has nothing to do with the substance of your story at all, but I just think it's one of those miniscule details that if it were tweaked, I'd be like 'Your dialogue is perfect'.

I had a few little things that I just had to be OCD about in pointing out. Don't mind me, I just spotted them and figured I'd be the prudent weirdo I am and include them in my review really quickly before wrapping this up.

“Na, I tell you its global warming. The hippies got it right, like the great smog in London after the war,” said another.


the news tonight(,)” Joe said matter-of-factly, making sure to point his knife at each of the three truckers.


“Here you are Mr. Stone, would you like to add a muffin to the coffee for 99c(?)


His eyes darted about, it felt like they were on me for a moment but I couldn't be sure.


She stirred a little, and clung to my neck as she sucked the thumb of her free hand.


That's about it for that. I know you could have easily just spotted these in a second read through or something, but --look how pretty and complete my review looks! :mrgreen: (Wow, I'm terrible) Anyway, nice job on this second chapter overall. So far, I'm loving the story. I know this isn't that tough to go through, and I could easily do it in a day or two, but I've been rather mind-consumed today if that means anything. o.O Will be around to review some more soon!

-Smylin'
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Day two of reviewing this story, woop. I actually read about 4 more chapters this morning while I was doing my hair, but I didn't have time to write reviews, so I shall get to that now.
I'm not digging the chapter names, but I guess that depends on style. Personally, I would just label them chapter I, II, III, etc.
He sat with a group of truckers, downing coffee and eating eggs. As he spoke, he tilted his head forward and pointed at the truckers with the tip of his knife. I ordered a coffee and a hot chocolate for Janey and while I waited, I shifted into earshot, listening to the knot of truckers.

It might be because I'm searching for mistakes while reading, but I think you used truckers one too many times here. YOu could describe them as a group of men once, and it would fix the repetition.
“Na, I tell you it(')s global warming.

to shut off Little Rock Road, and by the looks of it they will shut off all the roads for now.”

Road is part of the name right? If so, it should be capitalized.
Rafa, our gardener, stumbled in to(make into one word here) the diner

“Rafa?” I said(comma) edging closer with my hands out.

Again, it felt like I caught his eyes, if only for a moment before they continued jolting about in their sockets.

I noticed this when I was reading this morning, you tell us twice about meeting his eyes, but not being completely sure. I'm not huge on these lines. Maybe it would be better if Rafa stared at him, you know? Gave him a creepy, knowing expression or something.
Then he turned and walked, still holding his temples, out the door and into the dark mist.

He may have only traveled a yard and before his limbs disappeared.

I needed to hold Janey. I rushed out and pulled her from her slumber into my arms.

This action seems too fast. He had to walk through the diner, open the door, walk through heavy fog, open the car door, and pick up his daughter. Do you see what I mean? It reminds me a bit of a 9/11 story that was featured. The girl saw a plane crash into the tower next to hers and 'rushed down the stairs' or something, it all just happened too fast to be plausible.
The trucker with the brick-red forearms at last mustered words.

There's another part above where you use 'brick red', but without the hyphen. It seems like you could do it either way, but I would make them the same. SUPER nitpicky, but still.
“Damn drunken Mexican.” He didn’t get the reception he expected and his dopey grin quickly disappeared.

Connect this with the above paragraph.
Sarah the babysitter took my order and she smiled at Janey who was dozing off again.

This sentence is begging for a comma or two, I believe.
I felt the cowboy’s brilliant blue eyes,(no comma) sharpen on me.

By the way, sorry if I'm repeating what the other reviewer corrected, I didn't really bother to see what they had to say.

Another good chapter. I'm actually really fond of the fact that he brought his daughter with him, I can tell that it will stir up some emotional business later in the story. I don't have much to comment on, I think it will be easier to comment on the story in larger chunks later on. Anyways, ciao
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
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Yello!

“I tell you one winter morning it didn’t get light until lunch time, and ‘dem Eskimos, sometimes they don’t see light for months.The biggest one was saying with a southern drawl.


Grammar’s off here. Should be a comma and small letter.



“No, no, no. It’s just an unseasonal fog coming off the lake. Two fronts colliding or some shit. Just you watch. They will be joking about it on the news tonight,” Joe said matter-of-factly, making sure to point his knife at each of the three truckers.


Joe seems to be a very casual kind of guy, and his repeated “no, no, no” sounds very uncasual. Unnatural.



“Here you are Mr. Stone, would you like to add a muffin to the coffee for 99c?”


I’m assuming you mean cents? Write it out as “cents”.



“Damn drunken Mexican.” He didn’t get the reception he expected and his dopey grin quickly disappeared.


This is vague, and I’m not sure what you mean. Well, I do get the basic meaning, but I’m curious about what kind of reception this guy was hoping for. Laughter? Derision?


Yo! Liking this; the flow’s still smooth and although not a hue lot happened in this chapter, it was well written.

My main beef (lol, beef) with this chapter is the character of Rafa, the gardener. He turns up, looking weird and messed-up and no one bats an eyelid? As soon as you mentioned that he was their gardener, I was expecting bad news—that something had happened to Tara, that the house has burned down, that his daughter and truck were in trouble. Ross seems very protective of Janey, but he didn’t think at all that anything was the matter. I dig Rafa’s foreshadowing and all, but his connection with the family seems both important and unrealistically downplayed.

-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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I wasn't sure I liked chapter this *quite* as much as the first. You sounded rushed, more rushed than you needed to be, considering how much there was to be described, explored, and unearthed. If you haven't already reached it, you are nearing a climacteric stage in your story. Last chapter, you only just began to introduce the reader to the mystery, the enigma. Here you're immersing us even further, handing us still more puzzle pieces, with which we can construct predictions.

But you have to pace yourself. Don't give us clues impetuously, don't inundate us with irrelevant information. Above all, keep your atmosphere going. This scene was a decent envisionment: narrator enters old rural pub/restaurant, encounters people and ideas that might aid him in his uprooting of the mystery. Yadda yadda.

But the ideas were thrown at the reader halfhazardly, leaving him not quite sure what to do with them. The old, rural restaurant thing, which really was the only thing along the lines of what you have that would have carried with it the tension you established in chapter one, was fairly despoiled by the raucous demeanor and reckless hypothesis-giving of the truckers. I think that you should contrarily keep the place quiet; have everyone engaged in their own thoughts in silence, instead of blubbering them out loudly. In fact, you could even mention that the restaurant seemed to be quieter than usual.

So, yeah. Don't get into loud scenes like these until you've manipulated your eerie flavor as fully as possible. Usually this is where I insert a stupid metaphor to help explain things, but I think you understand my point, as I've outlined it comprehensively enough.

Now. The gardener. Of course I have to mention him. He was the main attraction of the chapter, was he not? He's that vital little tidbit, the corner piece, if you will - as far as I know, at least. With his appearance, we know that something has happened to the family, something terrible, something inevitably interwoven with the black fog.

Now while you did handle the scene well, I do think some touch-ups could be applied here and there. Firstly, I think that the silence that clearly claimed the restaurant the instant he entered needs to be highlighted much more. Considering that everyone had been talking so vociferously moments before, it should be very noticeable that the truckers immediately stopped talking; thus, it should be one of the first things you say in the way of Rafael.

I do understand that this in a way contradicts with my first critique. Silence contrasts much more with loudness than it does with quietness; so the former, clearly, is preferable if one truly wants to emphasize Rafael's entry. At this point a simpleminded editor could say, "Alright, we've reached a fork in the road: one road leads to maintaining the tension, the other to empowering Rafael." BUT I think there's a way to get the best of both worlds. Maybe the narrator could enter the place, noticing how quiet it is, then after a while start a conversation with another customer. Then you'll also be able to have some of theories about the fog voiced after all. Then, in the midst of their talk, Rafael could burst in and do his thing.

Aaand there's your review! Keep an eye out for my next one, 'kay.

Keep on writing.

-Kafka
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Hiya!
Finally, I have the time to get to a review for you! I know that you told me to review chapter 1, but you had loads of reviews already, and I had nothing, really, to add. So I thought I'd do this one! I hope that's ok, it's just, I haven't got the time to keep up with the story and read right to the end so to review the latest one.
And Anyway, onto a review.

This was pretty good. I wasn't exactly enthralled by it all, but it certainly wasnt bad. It was quite fast-paced and rushed. You didn't really put that much detail into it, and you use certain expressions a little repetitively. Somehow, I didn't feel as though I could keep up with what was going on. Sure, your prose is well, but I don't think this part of your novel is as good as the first.

Your characters seem believeable enough. When I was reading your passages of dialogue, though, they didn't seem very original. Some of them are just like what you'd expect in CSi Miami ( You know what I mean by that right - a little bit corny and cliched?) and then there were others that when I was reading I was just like: 'nobody would say that in real life!'

joshuapaul wrote:“Ross, my old friend, have a seat and grab some food.”


The above is an example of the latter. The atmosphere between your characters is chilled and just totally easy-going. Think about it - would you feel it normal to say 'my old friend' to someone? Well, maybe it's just me. But I don't think it's that natural. I could just imagine them slapping butch hands and going: 'Ross! Pull up a chair mate!'

I think that the feel of your story is a little uptight and ridgid - like you have actually written it, if that makes any sense. I didn't melt into the story and absorb it and bond with the characters. To me, they felt a little bit like puppets on strings, like you were controlling them. You obviously are, but the story didn't flow naturally, like it would in real life. If that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, just ask me what the heck I'm on about!

Erm...so...ooh next I was going to pick up on the whole repetitive phrases thing next. See below.

joshuapaul wrote:downing coffee


joshuapaul wrote:gulp of coffee


Now, I know you've only used 'coffee' twice, but I still thought it a little repetitive. Why not try, for the second on saying something like: They took a swig from their mugs. Put anything you want as long as it doesn't contain coffee. It is only a smal thing, so why am I picking up on it? Well, that sort of information is unecessary and only needs to be related once. It's slightly annoying when you tell your reader again, because we already know that.

You also talk about 'eating eggs.' How boring. What sort of eggs: boiled, fried, poached, an omlette, a fritatta? Give some depth and detail! Wouldn't it sound so much better like: 'Stuffing thier faces with greasy fried egg'?
As I mentioned before, it seemed a little rushed, and it is as though you raced through your piece not bothering to build up a scene in any real descriptive detail.

And anyway, I think this is the end of my rather long-winded and overdue review. I hope it helped a little. If not, well, at least I made an effort.

Have a good weekend, Josh ( you don't mind your name being shortened to 'josh' do you?) !

~ Amelia




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Back for part two! This took me longer than I expected but hopefully it won't be as long again before the next part.

Specifics

1.
“Oh that’s not such a great idea, I just had a road worker in and he’s gone up to shut off Little Rock Road, and by the looks of it they will shut off all the roads for now.”
Slightly awkward phrasing here. Maybe try something like, '...road worker in and he's gone to shut off Little Rock Road, and maybe they'll be shutting all the roads now.' It's just a bit smoother, a bit shorter and it flows a bit more naturally.

2.
I went to move to the door. That’s when it started.
That first sentence is again a little cumbersome. Maybe try, 'I moved to the door' or 'I made a move for the door' instead.

3. He's been to this place before and yet he doesn't notice the clock on the wall until later? And if he did know about it before, why didn't he use that to check the time, or why didn't Sarah? Nothing too big, but you might want to have a little think about it.

4.
I suddenly realised what was in the flask; his breath carried the pungent trademark scent of whiskey.
You present this as if he's surprised to find it was whiskey. I think you need to fix the tone. Maybe, 'Then I knew what was in the flask; his breath carried the pungent trademark (on second thoughts, just one of these two words. Both is pushing it) scent of whiskey.'

Overall

There's a smoother flow in this chapter and I liked it better than the last, though I don't know what was going on with the gardener back there. It's too short a section to really be dealing with two pieces of conflict, don't you think? I mean, the one with the gardener just seems so random and pointless and I just feel like it doesn't fit in here. If you wnated the change in atmosphere, you could have used the fog for that. The thickening of it outside, maybe the sound of thunder or sudden rain. Some travellers coming in talking about how they just drove their car into a lamp-post. That works because the fog is already there as a form of conflict, whereas Gardener just came out of nowhere.

See you at the other side of part three,

Heather xxx
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