Lipstick on His Collar

She finds
The lipstick on his collar
Dark red
Menacing
Smeared across the whiteness of his shirt

She smells the fragrance on his shirt
Seductive
Enchanting
Yet no less alien

She hears him
Crying out for another name in his dreams
Beautiful
Mesmerizing
Yet so haunting

She senses
His growing reticence
She sees
The palpable lie beneath those dark windows to his soul
When he says after dinner
"I have to get back to work."

She feels
The invisible layers of membrane between them
That her love can no longer permeate
Lying next to him
She knows that they are miles apart
Separated not by distance
But the lipstick on his collar

Wow, this poem was really simple, but deep. And I really loved your imagery, you did a VERY good job writing this poem!!!

This is a really good poem. I like it. It just shows so much in so little words!!! That's why I like it so much. I hope you can write awesome poems just like these, ok?


GREAT JOB AND KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!


~Kat

Usually when I encounter poems without much punctuation I find it a bit confusing to pick up flow but not with this one. The simple format is clear and poignant. I also enjoyed the way you brought it all together with the repetition of your images. It was beautiful. The only thing that I noticed that kind of clashed with the tone/diction of the piece would be your use of the word "membrane" in the last stanza. To me it just sounds odd in the poem but this is just my opinion feel free to disregard it if you don't agree. But again nice job

Merci, everyone! I'll keep improving my writing. =)

Oh crap. lol In all honesty. I went into this thinking it would have something to do with jealousy. And maybe it does, to some extent. But essentially, it's just about coming to a sad realization. And good golly gumdrops I love it. lol

I loved the metaphorical imagery in the last stanza. It was a refreshing way to end the poem, both literally and story-based.

Favorite line: "She senses / His growing reticence"

Psssshhhh, don't worry so much about the punctuation in poems, duuuuudes. #reactiontoearlierreview

It is important, but the line breaks convey just as much as punctuation in a poem. /endrant

My first reaction to this? "YES! A new person in the featured section!" Seriously, there are some people who have some fairly dedicated stalkers followers here. It's almost ridiculous. :p

I thought the use of membrane was fine. What I did notice was that you had about one long line in each stanza (till the last one), and it was different for every stanza. It's ok, but it almost threw me when I went back over it, particularly because you started the first stanza with a really short line, and then started the second stanza with your long line.

As for the rest of the poem, no critiques. You've done wonderfully, m'dear.

It was awesome, like honestly awesome. I have absolutely no complaints or comments to make on it, so all I can say is just to keep up the good work and never ever stop writing! Awesome poem

you don't need to modify shirt with "whiteness of." Also I didn't like the string of 'ing' words, and I didn't get the 'no less alien' line. 'Dark windows to to his soul' is pretty cliche and I'm sure you can think of something more novel. I don't know, you seemed to avoid a lot of the cliches that come with a cheating poem which is fantastic. You even describe his sleeping cries for another woman "beautiful." Usually I am 100% against using the word beautiful but here it is so enigmatic that it almost works. Maybe what you are describing here is true foolish love. I like that.

Also just another thing.. you don't need to capitalize the first letter of each line. In fact, don't.

Also during the membrane metaphor I think you should use a more specific thing than 'love.' SOMETHING isn't permeating, and maybe it is love, but what physically is she doing to express her love for him? That would make it stronger.

Also the miles apart thing was pretty cliche but perhaps excusable.

best,

Edits are in red.
Comments in blue.

She finds
The lipstick on his collar
Dark red
Menacing
Smeared across the whiteness of his shirt This is a great into to the poem, with the perfect amount of supspense and information, making the reader want to keep reading, which is awesome!

She smells the fragrance on his shirt
Seductive
Enchanting
Yet no less alien This line was my favorite just because the reader is able to interpret it anyway they want and still understand it, in my opinion.

She hears him
Crying out for another name in his dreams
Beautiful
Mesmerizing
Yet so haunting

She senses
His growing reticence
She sees
The palpable lies beneath the dark windows of his soul
When he says after dinner
"I have to get back to work." This stanza seems a bit rough compared to the flow of the rest of the poem.

She feels
The invisible layers of membrane between them
That her love can no longer permeate
Lying next to him
She knows that they are miles apart
Separated not by distance
But bythe lipstick on his collar

Overall I loved this poem it flowed nicely though at some parts it was a bit rough, the few edits I made seemed to me to help the poem, but they are just suggestions, though most of them help the poem. Great job on the emotions and imagery you provided us. I also loved how the title tied in to the beginning and end of the poem, thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Wow this poem was really good! I loved the truth in your writing, yet the simplicity of it. The only thing was the flow was kind of off. But other people pointed that out so I won't be redundant! Keep it up!

Love, fruity!

This poem is really good! it expresses so much emotion in so few words! excellent!

THIS IS AWESOME But Deep

Wow! This is really interesting. It is not simple at all in my opinion, but very easy to see. I thought I would see a lot more anger in this, but it looks more like the sinking realization of the male cheating on her. It's a very sad poem in my opinion.

The first thing that got me hooked was the first line. It really gave off that sort of suspense that just makes you want to read on. The lack of punctuation is one thing I noticed, but it did not throw me off since you breaked your lines so well. The flow is a bit choppy, so that is something to work on. The imagery is quite excellent and makes you feel that sinking feeling. The only thing that really bugged me was that the stanzas did not have the same amount of lines in each one. It's 5,4,5,6,7 and it really bothers me! I think it should all stick with 5 or whatever or increase by one in each stanza. Please work on that also or note it for future poems.

Overall this is a really great poem. Please keep writing amazing things like this. Thank you!

Good job!!! Loved the imagery!! Keep it up!!