Little Faith

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She looks just like him, I think as they take her away to wash and swaddle her. She has his chocolaty hair, his wide puppy-dog eyes, and his thickly lashed lids. I look for him in my confused postpartum daze, but all I see is Mom, all chubby limbs and mousy hair. I start crying. Where is he?

And then I remember. Drake is dead. I see it all again: the melancholy way he spoke at our last meeting, that night where I had to pick him up because he was too drunk to drive, his jerky new friends, the way he didn't look me in the eyes when he said he was excited about the baby, that shitty night illuminated by red and blue siren lights when he left the world via jumping off a bridge. By the time the nurse is back with the baby, I'm crying.

"Do you need more meds for the pain?" she asks, a tired look on her face.

I nod, even though I don't need any, and gesture for her to place my sleeping baby in my arms. She adds some stuff to my IV drip, and I look at my daughter again. They said I'm too young to be a good parent, that it'll be hard without a father in the picture. I sigh.

"What will you name it?" the nurse asks.

I think about my friend's advice to get an abortion, my mother's anger about the whole thing, the snickers behind my back at school. I went to church through all of that. I have faith. "I have faith," I say quietly.

"Hhmm?" mumbles the nurse absentmindedly.

"Faith," I say. "Her name is Faith."
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.




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Hi there!

So, here's some comments I have:
I see it all again: the melancholy way he spoke at our last meeting, that night where I had to pick him up because he was too drunk to drive, his jerky new friends, the way he didn't look me in the eyes when he said he was excited about the baby, that shitty night illuminated by red and blue siren lights when he left the world via jumping off a bridge.

Okay, so this seems like one big run-on sentence. I'm a little confused about the part where you wrote about 'his jerky new friends'. Was that who he was driving home that night? Or did you just mean to say he had jerky friends? Also, there should be a semi-colon in here somewhere. I can't really figure out where right now because this is just too jumbled up for me to pick apart.

"What will you name it?" the nurse asks.

Wouldn't the nurse already know it was a girl? You should change 'it' to 'she'.

They said I'm too young to be a good parent, that it'll be hard without a father in the picture.

This line is tricky because you're writing this in the present tense and you're referring to something in the past. You're trying to say that she was told she was too young to be a mother. So try and say it that way. Maybe you could say, "People had told me I was too young to be a good parent..." or "I was told that I was too young to be having a child." Those are just a couple suggestions.

Overall I really liked this story. You did a good job describing your character's feelings and really getting inside her head. I would've liked to know a little more about her though. How old is she? How long had she been dating her boyfriend before they...you know. What grade is she in? Why wasn't her mom supportive of her? Just add a little more description into this. It is a good story though.

Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

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She looks just like him, I think as they take her


I would italicize her thoughts, just to help us readers differentiate between narration and what is being thought.

, and his thickly lashed lids.


Lashed seems like an awkward word choice. I know you are talking about eye lashes, but I would say, “and eyelashes that were thick like his.” Or something to that exten.

I look for him in my confused postpartum daze, but all I see is Mom, all chubby limbs and mousy hair.


I really like this description of Mom. I could picture her, and the thought even made me smile!

I see it all again: the melancholy way he spoke at our last meeting, that night where I had to pick him up because he was too drunk to drive, his jerky new friends, the way he didn't look me in the eyes when he said he was excited about the baby, that shitty night illuminated by red and blue siren lights when he left the world via jumping off a bridge.


There is a lot of powerful emotion being conveyed in this paragraph. It was hard to follow because it is all commas. Break this up with periods. This will allow the reader to pause and processes the pain this girl is feeling. It will help us relate to what she is going through, and we will sympathize with her more.

I nod, even though I don't need any, and gesture for her to place my the sleeping baby in my arms.


Cut the first my. We know it is your baby, and then it won’t sound to repetitive with the second my.

They said I'm too young to be a good parent, that it'll be hard without a father in the picture. I sigh.


I enjoyed this line. I can just picture these thoughts whirling through her head as she stares at her child.

"What will you name it?" the nurse asks.


This could just be me but… “it” sounds so informal, especially when talking about a child. I would have the nurse say, “her”.

"I have faith," I say quietly.


This is a powerful revelatory moment your character is happening. She gets the babies name as she realizes that through everything that has happened she still has faith. I would go into more detail about all of this. She has faith. Has it been hard? How has she kept it? Did she feel God’s peace? Did she have any support? Was it hard with no one believing in her? This is good, just give me more!!!


Overall:

This is a short but powerful piece you have. My one critique would be to give me more! I want more detail, and I would love for you to delve deeper into what this girl is feeling. She is alone, and yet she has the faith to birth this child and raise her.

Also since you did bring her mom into this whole thing in the beginning I would mention her again. You give this cute description of her, and then she vanishes. I would at least have her say something and leave the room. Maybe she looks disgusted when she sees the child, and just can’t stand to be around. Maybe her heart melts and she wants to be there. I don’t know, just a little more would have been nice.

You have a great start! If you have any questions feel free to PM me!




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paintingtherain97 wrote:She looks just like him, (Italicized so that we know that it is an actual thought, and that "I think" is not simply parenthetical.) I think as they take her away to wash and swaddle her. She has his chocolaty hair, his wide puppy-dog eyes Uh, what baby doesn't? , and his thickly lashed lids. I look for him in my confused postpartum daze, but all I see is Mom, all chubby limbs and mousy hair. I start crying. Where is he?

And then I remember. Drake is dead. I see it all again: the melancholy way he spoke at our last meeting, that night where I had to pick him up because he was too drunk to drive, his jerky new friends What do they have to do with anything? , the way he didn't look me in the eyes when he said he was excited about the baby, that shitty night illuminated by red and blue siren lights when he left the world via by ("Via" sounds overly formal, especially because "by" would be a much better choice.) jumping off a bridge Flashbacks don't work when they're thrown together like this. As it is, this paragraph should really be slowed down. . By the time the nurse is back with the baby, I'm crying.

"Do you need more meds for the pain?" she asks, a tired look on her face.

I nod, even though I don't need any Really? She's not in any pain? , and gesture for her to place my sleeping baby in my arms. She adds some stuff to my IV drip, and I look at my daughter again. They They? said I'm too young to be a good parent, that it'll be hard without a father in the picture. I sigh.

"What will you name it her?" the nurse asks.

I think about my friend's advice to get an abortion In juxtaposition with the next two events, you make this sound like a horrible experience. , my mother's anger about the whole thing, the snickers behind my back at school. I went to church through all of that. I have faith. "I have faith," I say quietly.

"Hhmm Hm?" mumbles the nurse absentmindedly.

"Faith," I say. "Her name is Faith."


Keep writing.

-Kafka
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Hey there!!

Drake is dead. I see it all again: the melancholy way he spoke at our last meeting, that night where I had to pick him up because he was too drunk to drive, his jerky new friends, the way he didn't look me in the eyes when he said he was excited about the baby, that shitty night illuminated by red and blue siren lights when he left the world via jumping off a bridge.


This seems really long and run-on to me. It would be better if you broke up into sentences, I think.

"What will you name it?" the nurse asks.


It? How rude!

That's all I noticed, this was very sweet and well written otherwise. Great job :)
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.



Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides