Arupon Teteruturu

Arupon Teteruturu
toboridanari kuputeru cumru turoru
tumbenu endote somito trusdu
tembedopa zoqucoso utoreco cupidatnu treside boro
tambedopa buzozokutisu dadopa dumisehunudnu
tambedopa losikaehei menkimape nonade kochito
duososo rumitikaru tureponteteru
tombehini xonsimito kuide onturudu
tumbedu okodontre dwito eheilmake
rapotra aduniciniqu
tumbeidu emosondra patino tosimita turindu
tembesihe suhuna ondotokira simitakuondonu
sihuegihu nuauireneilu runu pewentuke puwentude
tombeidini tsuononilu idutaradu
reloni idisoso enkimape -
Tureponteteru.

Grow, Beautiful Plant
Grow Healthy, strong, straight and tall
may the sun be always on you, in you
may no pox or bug dilute the sap in your limbs
may no fire harm you, no hand fell you
may no unrest of the earth cause you agony
bear seed and fourish
Beautiful Plant, Beautiful plant
may waters flow always at your roots
may you stand in the currents of time
and know life
may your mother's (( the Earth)) thoughts be always with you
may her sister (( the sun)) watch always at day
her brothers ((the stars and the moon)) always at night
may gentle winds cool your leaves
and carry your seed to earth
and when you fall, may the seasons be kind and the soil soft
Beautiful plant.

(non literal translation)

I'm curious, is this a poem for a novel or something?

The reason I'm asking is, if this appeared in a novel, then it would be fine to use this made-up language. It could be the language of a people in your novel. But if this is supposed to stand alone, I think you should find a translator who could put this into a real language for you.

As far as the poem in English goes:

First of all, just a few word changes or typos. - In the fourth line, I think a synonymous word would work better than "bug." With how beautiful and lyrical this is, "bug" sounds boring and normal. You could go as general as "insect" or be more specific, as with "aphid" or "worm." I feel the same about "plant." It would be great if you could put the image of a specific plant in our head. Not "flower" or "tree," but more specific still. "Grow, beautiful rose." (Only, don't use rose...roses are overused in poetry. But you see what I mean, I think.)

In the seventh line, typo - "flourish," not "fourish."

Other than that, the only thing I would change - when you refer to "mother," "sister," and "brothers," I think you can nix the words in parenthesis. This is more of a metaphor, so you don't want to tell us directly what you mean. Also, I think we could figure out - if not "mother," we could at least figure out "sister" and "brothers" by the fact that you tell us the sister watches at day and the brothers at night. I think most of us would be able to deduct that you mean the sun, moon, and stars.

Otherwise, good job. It's a nice poem, almost like a blessing or a prayer, and there's a lot of good imagery. (I especially like the line "and carry your seed to earth.")

Hope this helped~
Blue

Hi there theonewhodreams!

Alright, so first off, the random language of the first stanza is a little off-putting. I ran it through a translator several times trying to figure out if it was a real language, and have deduced that it's not (unless I just didn't pick correctly). If it's not a real language, I don't understand the purpose of it in this poem. Maybe if it's for a larger story set in a place where this made-up language is used, but that's the only way I can really see this being pulled off.

Anything done in a poem is done for a purpose. As far as I can see, the first stanza serves no purpose other than to confuse the reader and give the impression that this poem is perhaps "mystical" or "fantastical" because it's translated from this mysterious language (which I don't quite see what the purpose of that would be, unless this were to relate to a larger story, as I said before).

As far as the second stanza in english goes, it's decent. I like the premise/content really well, and there are some really good lines (I particularly like: "may waters flow always at your roots / may you stand in the currents of time / and know life"), but altogether they don't have any sort of constant format to hold them together. It doesn't quite feel like free-form poetry with all the changes in line length and stucture and enjambment. It's lacking consistency. Maybe it could benefit from a more structured rhyme? Or just more consistent sentence structure.

There are a number of ways this poem could go structurally, and it's up to you as the poet to figure out which best represents this particular poem. Good luck! Overall, it was an enjoyable read, and with some cleaning-up could be a really fantastic piece!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Thank you for your comment! I'm sorry, I forgot to say that it is for a story I am writing, and is therefore a made up language. sorry 'bout that. Okay, thank you for your comments about the stanzas - and thank you for the compliments!!!
I must point out here, though, that I originally wrote the poem in that language, formatted according to the rules of that language, (making up stuff like that is my hobby XD) and i'm pretty sure it rhymes when you look at it that way. The English version is just that, a translation. (Not sure about the rythm though. ^^) Above all, i wrote this poem as an excersize.
And thanks again for your comment!

Hi there! You reviewed a piece of mine a while back and I was just here to return the favor:)
Okay, so the first stanza confused me a bit but hey! We are writer's are we not? It's up to us what we put down on the page and as long as it has meaning to us that is all that maters. All the critics in the world can hate our work, but as long as we understand and adore our work in a parent like fashion, its fine:) I doubt that it is meaningless jabber, as it seems a little structured, so now you have me curious: what is it? As for the second stanza I thought is was simplistically beautiful; like a prayer. You did a very nice job with it.
Okay, to wrap this up, let me know what inspired this, or the reason/motive behind it, I think all of your readers (me at least for sure!) are now curious to this tiny masterpiece of yours. Great work, and until next time,
~Dakota Knight