The Making

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The Making

Joseph watched Jacob, who laboured over the wood, balancing beams under his thick forearms. He took long strides, with his sandals strapped tight and his face gritted.

“Just put them down over there for now, we need to get this beam up,” Joseph said, scratching at the tufts of grey hair along his jaw. He glanced up at the sun midway across the sky. “Where is that boy? He has been gone since dawn. ”

Along the trail at the mouth of the village, he spotted his son. He was moving with clumsy strides, eyes wandering about the clouds and his mouth open ready for rain. He came up the trail to the crest, and when he arrived he stood huffing, holding himself up with hands on knees.

“Sorry it took so long. The well was jammed so I went all the way back to the village to get water.”
“Just get back over there and help Jacob get that support beam up.”

Joseph continued sawing the cross beams. Although the hinges of his fingers were rusted and old, he could still hold a hammer and saw. And his knees cracked like spun glass, but he could still cart a barrow. So he would work until his son was ready to work alone.

Jacob was digging like a drumbeat.
“You’re lucky he’s your dad, some of us have to work hard.”

“Don’t start Jacob, do you think he likes you? you’re a cheap labourer. You will never be a carpenter.”

“You think you will? Your tiny arms can’t pump the pipers well. And why do you need water so early?”

“Just wait, Jacob. I will be the best carpenter, and my pockets will jingle with gold. Maybe I will throw you a piece of bread when you are begging in the court.”

Jacob’s upper arms were cannon balls, pulsing as he drove the spade into the hole, then extracted a load of earth and penetrated again.

“That’s deep enough, labourer.”

“It’s not. do you listen to anything your dad says? This needs to hold the structure up. If this comes down, the house comes down. It must be deeper,” Jacob said as sweat started at his hairline. Under the heavy ridge of his brow, Jacobs blue eyes glanced at the boy. They scrutinized his beard coming in wisps, his gaunt face half-shaded by uncut hair. A churlish laugh jumped from Jacobs’s mouth. “You, a carpenter? can’t wait till the village hears that one.”

The boys eyes fixed on Jacob, his hands softly trembled. “I promise that you will be gone by the end of the day, so keep digging because soon you will be in that hole.”

Joseph’s saw whined through a stack of logs, one at a time, as the boys spoke under weighted breath, keeping their voices out of his reach.

“One day maybe, but you will be down there first.”

“Is that what you think? I’m going to be up there, just watch,” he said, looking to the scattered clouds.

Jacob grabbed the pole and forced it into the hole. With pneumatic tension, he drew it back again and then he drove it into the earth. The two boys waltzed around the base, pressing the loose earth.

Joseph glanced up. He approached with inspecting eyes.

“Good work. Perfect. The hole is deep enough to hold fast, but the pole still has enough length for a high roof. Most of the cross beams have been cut to length. Jacob I will get you to dig the four support beam holes. I have marked the spots with river stones,” he said, then turned to his son, “You come with me, you can help cut the last few beams.”

Joseph marched back and his son skulked in his wake. Jacob started again and with every fall of the spade came a thud, like a dead tree falling upon a dusty plain. It didn’t take long for the four support beams to penetrate the earth, standing like the pillars in the city court.

“Careful Son, don’t upset those nails, they are like gold at the moment and I can’t afford anymore until I have been paid for this house,” Joseph said and the boy eyed the small sack which folded the dry grass under the weight of twenty metallic wedges.

“Finished already are you Jacob?” Joseph beamed. “You can each have a break, we have made good time. Jacob run to the well, take this,” he said, handing over one silver piece. “I ordered a pot to be fired today; it should be at Schlomo’s workshop, give him the coin and tell him you are picking it up for me. Then, fill it with water and bring it back.”

Jacob took the money and swiftly sett off towards the village; he let his over-robe slip from his shoulders.

Joseph took a wide stance, put his hands on his hips, and arched his back. He found a boulder, large enough to fill the grip of a trebuchet, half buried and with a moss corset. In the distance, he could see a lazy shepherd sleeping while his flock grazed. Set above the horizon, he could see a range of ghostlike mountains, mountains he would never get to. At last, his son moved close and seated himself upon the rock. He shot the boy a rueful gaze, and out came an audible breath. Without speaking their eyes cast over the valley.

Jacob’s footfalls preceded his return. Over the crest he came, the pot hugged. He passed it to Joseph, then it began to move about the party, each of them taking a careful mouthful and sending it on. Joseph took a small loaf from his sack and pulled it, they gobbled it down with sloppy tongues and gnashing teeth and then they were back to work.

The beams were set.

“Let's put the frame together. Hand me the nails,” he said taking up his hammer and Jacob quickly began riffling through Joseph’s sack.
“I can’t find them, where are they?”
“I left them over there, don’t tell me you spilled them, boy?”
“No father I didn’t. Jacob, I saw you pick them up before. Where did you put them?”
“I didn’t pick them up. I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Father, believe me, I saw Jacob pick them up, can you not remember where you put them Jacob?” the boy said, gripping his cheeks between his teeth to keep his excitement from escaping. Jacob could see it though.
“Where are they?” Joseph demanded.
“I don’t know what he is talking about Master, I didn’t touch them.”
“What are you talking about, boy?” Joseph’s voice boomed.
“I swear Father, believe me, he must have forgotten where he put them, I promise I saw him pick them up.”
“Well just look about, we can’t afford to lose them, they are too expensive.” The three searched the ground, around the beams, in the grass. Then at last, Joseph lifted Jacob's over-robe, and from the pocket, they fell, hitting the dry grass with a clang. Joseph’s eyes grew wide; he clutched the robes on his chest and watched Jacob. Then the hammer slipped from his grip and he raised his hand toward the village.

“Leave Jacob, you will never be a carpenter, thief!”
“Joseph I don-“
“Thief,” he said and his lips pulled back from his big teeth in scorn. “Thief!”

Jacobs’s eyes grew wide with confusion; he looked to Jesus, palms open like the beggars in the court.
“Tell him the truth please?”
“Thief!” Jesus yelled. His eyes black as a rotted teeth and this time he couldn’t keep the smile concealed.

Spoiler
A/N: This doesn't represent my opinion regarding religion or Christianity. I simply provide a somewhat satirical explanation to the birth of a religion.
Last edited by joshuapaul on Sun Sep 04, 2011 8:38 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Hey Joshua!

I'm glad I get to finally review something by you. I enjoy reading your short stories, and this was no exception.
So, comments as I went through the story.

Great start! You can get a good idea of the relationship and you've done that pretty well.
Who moved with clumsy strides, eyes wandering about the clouds and his mouth open ready for rain.
I didn't like this line, mainly because as I was reading this, there seems to be a weird break in flow. Probably because the beginning with 'Who' threw me off since it didn't really tie in with the rest of the sentences. (In terms of flow. Gah, I don't even know what I'm trying to say).
with pneumatic tension, he drew it back again and then he drove it into the earth.
LOVE!
“Jacob, you have finished already.” Joseph beamed.
I found the transition a bit weird here. Not sure why.
“Thief” Jesus yelled. His eyes black as a rotted teeth and this time he couldn’t keep the smile concealed.
Great way to end.

So.
Plot.
I love the whole tying together with religion and the title. It's a freaking brilliant idea. I loved how you started, yet as you progressed it seemed like you had this clear idea of where you wanted to end and you sorta rushed it to end. Not sure if this is what you wanted.
In the beginning, I really enjoyed what you wrote, but toward the late-middle/end, I knew what was going to happen, so it didn't particularly interest me. The only novel thing was the 'calling to Jesus' bit. And in that way, I was disappointed. I've heard this story, albeit not with nails, a lot. Is this story a biblical reference? If yes, then, my rating would go up.
Besides this, I don't have any particular comment.

Anyway, thanks for another good read!
~Lava
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Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

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Me likey. Was it Jesus all along I think I get it!
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Hai! Just a couple of nit-picks for you first:

Joseph continued sawing the cross beams. Though his fingers meagrely hinged after the years of labour, [Some very strange phrasing going on here! I'm not sure what you mean by meagerly hinged? Your next few lines give me a clearer idea but even so I think you could make the description stronger and more simple.] he could still hold a hammer and saw. And his knees cracked like spun glass, he could still cart a barrow. So he would work until his son was ready to work alone. Jacob was digging like a drumbeat.


Jacob grabbed the pole and forced it into the hole, with pneumatic tension, [Another slightly awkward part, I don't think this works as a sub clause, though I like the wording.] he drew it back again and then he drove it into the earth. The two boys waltzed around the base, pressing the loose earth.


Alright so this piece didn't interest me as much as some of your others have. There was a part in the middle where the dialogue was really great, between the two boys, and I did really enjoy your descriptions at the beginning. However, the plot was pretty dry and as Lava said you tumbled through it all a little too quickly. I think your best chance at improving it would be to swing it closer to Jacob's view point and make us favour him over Jesus, or the other way around. At the moment it's very balanced and until the end pretty neutral. I'm also trying to think of a way that you could make it less obvious that the boy is Jesus. Maybe you could refer to Joseph as the father throughout and Jesus as the son? That might make it a little less obvious as then it's just a carpenter and not Joseph the carpenter.

Sorry I don't have much advice for this one! But good luck with it,

Heather xxx
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I have a feeling that this review is mostly going to be nitpicks, I hope you're okay with that. Nitpicks is what I do best, really.


Joseph watched Jacob(comma) who laboured over the wood, balancing beams under his thick forearms.

"Just put them down over there for now, we need to get this beam up.(comma)" Joseph said,

I feel like it's not exactly incorrect to end dialogue with a period, but I think it flows better with a comma.
Along the trail at the mouth of the village, he spotted his son. Moving with clumsy strides, eyes wandering about the clouds and his mouth open ready for rain.

This sentence just doesn't seem to work on its own. I would add a 'he was' at the beginning, or combine it with the previous.
He came up the trail to the crest(comma) and when he arrived,(no comma) he stood huffing, holding himself up with hands on knees.

And although his knees cracked like spun glass, he could still cart a barrow.

The although I added here might not work for you, but I feel like this sentence is incomplete. This would also work:
And his knees cracked like spun glass, but he could still cart a barrow.


Jacob was digging like a drumbeat.

Start the next paragraph with this.
"Don't start Jacob, do you think he likes you,(question mark) you're a cheap labourer. You will never be a carpenter."

This one really isn't a huge deal.
"Just wait(comma here, I believe) Jacob.

Jacobs’s Jacob's upper arms were cannon balls,

It's not,(period instead) do you listen to anything your dad says,

It must be deeper."(comma) Jacob said

I'm pretty sure all the dialogue is like this, but I stand by what I said earlier. Comma > period.
the heavy ridge of his brows(?), Jacob's blue eyes glanced at the boy.

"You a carpenter, can't wait till the village hears that one."

When I read this story for the first time, I had to mull over this for a bit. At first I thought you made a huge grammatical error, but I highly doubted that. I do get it now, and maybe it was just me, but perhaps you should make his tone clearer. "You a carpenter?" ; "You as a carpenter," ; "You a carpenter," he said shaking his head slightly, "..." You know?
Joseph's saw whined through a stack of logs, one at a time, and as the boys spoke under weighted breath, keeping their voices out of his reach.

Jacob grabbed the pole and forced it into the hole,(period instead) With pneumatic tension, he drew it back again and then he drove it into the earth.

Joseph glanced up from the whining saw.

"Joseph glanced up from his work." Just a suggestion, since you've already described it as a whining saw. I know twice isn't much, but it already seems overused. It ruins the image you created the first time you said it.
Jacob started again(comma) and with every fall of the spade came a thud, like a dead tree falling upon a dusty plain.

It didn't take long for the four support beams to penetrate the earth(comma) standing like the pillars in the city court.

I can't afford anymore until I have been paid for this house.(comma)" Joseph said

Jacob took the money and swiftly sett off towards the village;

One t in set
Joseph took a wide stance, put his hands on his hips(comma) and arched his back.

In the distance, he could see a lazy shepherd sleeping, (no comma)while his flock grazed.

“Let's put the frame together. Hand me the nails,” he said taking up his hammer and Jacob quickly began riffling through Joseph’s sack.

I realize that you're trying not to use his name, for a nice little surprise later, but I wasn't really sure who was speaking at first here. I suppose you could leave it, since it's obvious that it isn't Jacob or Joseph, but I was just pointing it out.
put them Jacob?” the boy said,

“I don’t know what he is talking about Master, I didn’t touch them.”

Not a huge fan of the use of 'master' here. It sounds like he's a slave rather than a worker. I think 'sir' would sound better.
Then at last, Joseph lifted Jacob's over-robe,

“Leave Jacob, you will never be a carpenter, thief!”

“Joseph I don-"

I love this. Without any description, I can see the stunned look on Jacob's face.

“Thief.(comma)” He said and his lips pulled back from his big teeth in scorn.

“Thief!” Jesus yelled. His eyes were black as a rotted teeth and this time he couldn’t keep the smile concealed.


Alright, so.
I liked this, the descriptions were lovely, the dialogue was interesting, and the plot was unique. It was nice to see Jesus in a different way - usually when I read religious pieces people make him out to be a perfect saint, and it was almost a relief to see something other than that.
The ending was terrifically done. Not much else to say about that. I did found myself feeling sorrow for Jacob - even though this story was not incredibly long, you've managed to make me care about the characters. Nice work as always. Hope this was helpful!
"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads."
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Thanks Heather as always! and Lava.
And Confetti, once again thank you for picking out all those little errors I seem to miss.

I admit the ending was rushed. I was getting ready to leave for work and I just wanted to get it down and finished to edit later so I really rushed through and then when I reread it I thought I could get away with it. It's not too weak, in my opinion, but it definitely needs to be stronger.

It's satirical so it's not meant to be historically/biblically precise. One of my all time favourite stories (it's a play but I prefer to think of it as a short story) is Hemingway's Today is Friday and I really got the idea from him. A mundane scene, illustrating how insignificant the origins of religion may have been. Needless-to-say I didn't quite hit the mark. But I will rework that ending, sooner or later.
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Joshua! Sorry it's taken me so long. I've been busy, what with school starting up and all.

This was a very intriguing story. Your grammar and phrasing could be touched up in quite a few places, but I've learned as far as what you write to look at the piece as a whole and not to pay attention to details as much. Besides, any nitpicks I would have picked out have been dissected by previous reviewers, or if not, are fairly easy to spot via a quick readthrough. I will mention, though, that, grammar aside, I like your prose; it has a graceful quality that makes it easy and enjoyable to read. So, kudos on that.

Before I get to my overall impression, I have one more thing to mention.
“Let's put the frame together. Hand me the nails,” he said taking up his hammer and Jacob quickly began riffling through Joseph’s sack.
“I can’t find them, where are they?”
“I left them over there, don’t tell me you spilled them, boy?”
“No father I didn’t. Jacob, I saw you pick them up before. Where did you put them?”
“I didn’t pick them up. I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“Father, believe me, I saw Jacob pick them up, can you not remember where you put them Jacob?” the boy said, gripping his cheeks between his teeth to keep his excitement from escaping. Jacob could see it though.
“Where are they?” Joseph demanded.
“I don’t know what he is talking about Master, I didn’t touch them.”
“What are you talking about, boy?” Joseph’s voice boomed.
“I swear Father, believe me, he must have forgotten where he put them, I promise I saw him pick them up.”
“Well just look about, we can’t afford to lose them, they are too expensive.” The three searched the ground, around the beams, in the grass. Then at last, Joseph lifted Jacob's over-robe, and from the pocket, they fell, hitting the dry grass with a clang. Joseph’s eyes grew wide; he clutched the robes on his chest and watched Jacob. Then the hammer slipped from his grip and he raised his hand toward the village.

“Leave Jacob, you will never be a carpenter, thief!”
“Joseph I don-“
“Thief,” he said and his lips pulled back from his big teeth in scorn. “Thief!”

Jacobs’s eyes grew wide with confusion; he looked to Jesus, palms open like the beggars in the court.
“Tell him the truth please?”
“Thief!” Jesus yelled. His eyes black as a rotted teeth and this time he couldn’t keep the smile concealed.

The formatting of this part was a little weird. You stop inserting a space between separate lines, then do, then stop again, and it looks kind of clumsy and halfhazard in the end. That's what it seemed like to me, at least. But you do the same thing earlier as well, so is it meant to make your story easier to follow?

Oh, and one more thing. Who said "Tell him the truth please?" It seems so odd and out of context that really I have no idea. Grammatically, it should be Joseph who is speaking; if it was Jesus, then it should have been joined with the final line; if it was Jacob, it should have been joined with the prior one. But why would Joseph say this?

Now for macros, as you call them (I like "macros;" I think I'll use that). This was an excellent idea. In the beginning and into the middle of the story, you handled things magnificently. The pacing was next to perfect. I especially liked the early dialog between the three characters: it really helped me get an early feel for the respective characters' temperaments and how the story might play out between them.

However, towards the end, I wasn't so sure what to think. You were very quick to slip from the seat of control you had positioned yourself in earlier. You began to speed things up prematurely. The ending, especially, was impetuous; I had to read it over at least three or four times before I finally grasped what you were getting at. While I appreciate a thought-provoking ending, ones in which I don't know who's talking and Jesuses with black eyes appear out of nowhere are slightly less fulfilling.

That's about it! Keep on writing.

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