Eye of the Storm

Spoiler

I wanted to make something that reeked of symbolism. Here you go:

All is calm- you awake,
The schooner floats,
The air’s of flake

“Come,” says First Mate worn,
“There’s not much time.
For, by the morn,
We’ll see the eye!”

But for now,
Helpless as a reed,
Adrift you plow,
Discovery’s your seed

And amid horizon
The sea’s askew,
Its will is iron,
Wetness spews

“Fight the waters,
Ahead’s a climb,
The winds won’t saunter,
No wave’s sublime!”

Each blasted curve,
Each condemned hill,
Each Nature’s serve,
Each lagging nil

But that’s the price,
The languid fee,
To reach the eye,
To lose your Sanity

Pockmarks of hope drag forth,
With nothing left, this is your sport,
For by each wave you measure Worth,
And with severity, your mind contorts

Amid such madness,
A wave crashed down,
Fear turned to gladness,
The way was plown
(Thusly did you take on madness)

And so was cried to heaven,
“Where have you gone now,
O’ putrid rains from clouds’ den?
Dry, reserves of sky- let low!”

At this, the First Mate left,
As fast as He appeared,
“From next wave’s cleft,” He said,
“Your mind is seared.”

So from each buoyancy,
Each next blue wave,
You hugged life’s key-
The flagellant knave

Toil onward,
Lest you weaken,
Though splashes like shards
Do meeken

Pride is Light,
If too much, it blinds,
But if only touched, it can be sight

You wrote an entry,
Plainly,
For in this life, you’re but a Sentry:

Entry 667,
Makest thine Life’s incline,
For on this day, the thirty-second of month thirteen,
My record, as always, is pristine,
Do find some flaws in what I say,
But spare what, for science, may,
And read my writ but for its good fit

First Mate passed-
I fancy He wasn’t made of steel,
All knowledge had He amassed,
Yet couldn’t nix Death’s reel

R-I-P,
Old man,
All things can Thou see,
Thou death was in Thou Plan,
Thou art in heaven as three,
All things be in Thy hand!

But I digress!
For after First Mate died,
I saw something that, for all His stringent-ness,
He was wont to hide:

Over the next big wave,
Though it was bigger than a wall,
I felt concave,
For at that moment, I was enthralled

Because I saw the eye,
And entered it,
Heaving a sigh,
I then saw the Pit

The Pit was Sky’s twirling track,
A misshapen halo, circular,
Bent to outdo Nature’s restrictive shack

But then I fell into Below,
And there were spirit ships afloat,
Hauling green deadness, eeriness their tow

“From whence thee come?”
Screamed Captain Desolate,
“All is gone, from where we’re from.”

So I beheld,
A teeming host,
The dead- lives quelled,
Chained to watery post

Their dinner party recommenced,
And I continued, liking ghosts:
Their fates are chanced,
Their hearts ‘composed

I then fell in line,
With scientists supine,
“What’s ‘divine’?” said one
(Drunk of wine)

And so I looked up,
Banshees did swing,
“Take us from this cup!” said they,
“And the storm will sing.

All day, all night,
Our rounds make this eye whirl,
If only He would banish fright,
Then beauty would unfurl.”

The rhyme in this was so obviously forced, it was painful to read. I only just managed to make it to the third stanza before I gave up and took a break.

There are a couple of things you can do about this:

1) Longer line lengths. All the lines in this poem are very short, which really doesn't leave much space in between rhymes. This is a bad thing because not only does it leave you scrambling for rhymes every-which-way, it also doesn't give your readers the time to appreciate one rhyme before they're suddenly on top of the next. Rather than a gentle chiming melody, you've created an cacophonous clamor as rhyme after rhyme for the sake of rhyme piles up one atop the other.

2) Alternating rhyming schemes. You do a bit of this, but it is not consistent. Rhymes rely upon patterns in the poem's rhythm to work; if you keep changing the rhythm patterns without apparent reasons, the rhymes will fall flat and feel forced because the rhythm is falling apart. If you're going to rhyme, pick a pattern to the rhyming and stick with it. The pattern doesn't have to be the same for every stanza, so long as there's a pattern to the overall poem. Sonnets and songs with distinct verses and choruses are good examples of alternating rhyming schemes.

3) Get rid of the rhyme entirely. Not all poems need to rhyme, and in fact, sometimes, making a poem rhyme hurts the piece overall. That's the case here, so unless you can figure out a way to make the rhyme work, it would be better to not rhyme at all. Instead, you can focus more on developing the symbolism and imagery in this piece to make it truly unique and interesting to read.

Overall, the rhyming is really hurting your poem. If you're really that attached to the rhyming, you'll need to do a lot of reworking to make the rhymes work. Otherwise, I highly recommend Option 3. Since your intention was to employ symbolism, focus on the symbolism rather than jamming your poem into a rhyming form. Dispensing with the rhyme will give you the freedom to explore the symbols and portray them in interesting ways that won't make your readers want to burn every rhyming dictionary ever printed.

How can something so outrageously simple be so moving? :O
Guess it shows the power behind words