Winged Prologue

Prologue

The wind blew tendrils of Aleta’s hair around her face as she closed her eyes, breathing in the clear ocean air. She took a step closer to the water, feeling the waves begin to wash over her toes. Aleta loved this place; the breeze, the waves, the wind. This was where her father always took her, before that day. Before the sadness and grief came, before the darkness entered her heart, before her mother stopped talking to her.

She turned to pick up the music box from her father. A tear escaped and dripped off her nose; three more followed. She had been crying a lot lately, but she tried not to. She hated to cry. Her father would have wanted her to stay strong.

She wiped the tears away and opened the music box, concentrating hard on the spell. Her father had made it special for her, binding it with a spell only they knew. The hana lit up with a bright pink-tinged light. The top slowly opened and “You Light up My Life” began to play. Inside the box was a little dancing figure, with Aleta’s exact features; it had always grown and changed just as she did. It danced and waved at her. There was also a shiny pink seashell, a strip of lace from her mother’s wedding dress, a silver hair band from her aunt, a small leather-bound book from her uncle, and a picture of her mother and father on their wedding day. She stared at the photo, the last photo of her father after her mother’s rampage. She sighed and hummed along to the music, closing her eyes.

Suddenly she jolted, and the music box snapped shut. She opened her eyes. Her mother was gripping her arm, dragging her out of the room.

“Mommy? What’s wrong?” she asked.

Her mother didn’t answer, but picked up some suitcases, heading for the door of her aunt’s house. Her aunt, Ade, stepped in front of the door just as her mother reached for the handle.

“Sarelle. Think about what you’re doing. I know this is hard on you,” Aunt Ade began, her eyes pleading.

Sarelle pushed her out of the way. “Magic brings nothing but pain. I will not have my daughter brought up in this world,” said Sarelle, and she opened the door, slamming it shut behind her.

…

Aleta opened her eyes. The hotel room was dark, with only a few rays of sunlight leaking in through the heavy curtains. She blinked and got up.

“Mommy?” she called, walking toward the closest door and opening it.

It was a bathroom, with a small sink, toilet, and even a bathtub; the shower curtain was closed. She reached slowly for the curtain, a terrible feeling washing over her. She pulled it aside; and screamed. It was her mother: body limp, face pale, eyes staring vacantly at the far wall.

“M-mom…?” she whispered.

Suddenly her mother made a gasping noise. Aleta leaped backwards.

“Aleta…come…closer…” Sarelle gasped out, her words choked with pain.

Aleta crept tentatively towards her mother. Sarelle reached out a shaking hand, touching Aleta’s temple lightly with her fingertips; Aleta flinched slightly. Instantly, a warmth spread from Aleta’s scalp, all through her body. Her legs gave out and she sank to the floor. Then, just as suddenly as it had come, the warmth left her.

A door crashed in the distance, voices yelled; she barely heard. Feeling dizzy, she looked up as a man stomped into the room. He saw her mother and walked to her, checking her pulse.

“Dead...” he muttered, pulling out his cell phone. He dialed 9-1-1, then noticed Aleta. “Little girl, is this your mother? What happened here?” he asked her.

She stared up at him blankly.

“I-I don’t remember.”

OOOOOH! That was pretty cool. I am excited to see what happens. I would say that when it say "The hana, a magic button-like thing," it sounds a little awkward. You might want to change it and maybe use description to communicate what you were meaning. for example, what does it look like? oh, and how does she have a music box on the beach? Did she bring it there or...what? other than that, I think that it was very interesting and I enjoyed it. Can't wait until you post some more!

Keep writing,
-Xreigon

Ok, you successfully captured my attention. Good job. I just have a couple of little nitpicks (one of them already mentioned), but otherwise it was great.

You kind of lost me as far as scenery went. First she was on a beach and then she was in her aunt’s house. There was hardly a transition in between. I may have missed something, but I’m not sure. I started thinking that just maybe the beach was only in her imagination, but you weren’t clear.

The hana, a magical button-like thing

I agree with Xregion on this one. It doesn’t sound quite right.

This was where her father always took her, before that terrible day.

This is a little nit-pick of personal preference, but “that terrible day” sounds both clichéd and a little cheesy.

“Angia was a terrible place, a place of war and death.”

This is just one more place where I don’t quite like the wording. “Angia was a terrible place” kind of makes it sound like you were rushing and trying to avoid really describing it. Perhaps I just don’t like the word terrible. It’s not that good of an adjective. In this clippet and the one listed before it in this review, the word stuck out like a sore thumb.

I’m looking forward to reading more of your story. It sounds like you could take this somewhere.

I really liked this prologue but I do think in some parts it came off as vague. I'm not very fond of prologues but I came to see that they're a great tool to use in novels so I would use this prologue to your full advantage. Don't hold back on anything. You could describe the girl's mother or her father. You could also explain the spell book she gets. Sure, a prologue can't be too long but it has to be interesting. So I would look this over and put in more description where it seems to lack. Good luck and keep writing.

This section was removed for spam. Do not quote the entire literary work when writing a review. -- Nate

Dang, man. That was intense. And I LOVED IT!

I really loved the story with all it's mysteriousness.

WONDERFUL.

I couldn't find any errors in it, so fantastic!

"She picked up the music box her father had given her on her 4th birthday" -- Woah, woah, woah. Wait a second. Last I checked, we were in the midst of the standard beach-scene introduction with her toes in the waves and the wind in her face. Where'd the music box come from? Was it sitting in the waves, or is there a pedestal in front of her jutting out of the water? Or maybe she was holding it from the very beginning? Where'd the box come from?

"The hana, a magical button-like thing, lit up with a bright pink-tinged light." A magical button-like thing sounds a bit odd. I think it breaks the mood, and the way the narrator has been speaking up until now. I'm just picturing a little kid's story, where every noun is preceded by 'Magical!' and something that sounds just like a toy really isn't a toy. If it's a button, call it a button. But in my opinion, 'a magical button-like thing' just breaks the mood to much. :]

"Inside the box was a little dancing figure, with Aleta’s exact features" -- Her features from now? Or her features from back when she was four? Or did the figure grow up at the same rate she did, thus the 'magic' of the box? Because certain people look very different when they're adult than when they were four. They could get fat, or they could lose weight -- for some people hair even changes color from light to dark.

"a small book of powerful spells her uncle had given her for future use" For future use. What else would they be for? Past use? "Hey, honey, I got you these spells that you could've used last weekend, but... You didn't have them. 8D"

"She stared at the photo, the last photo of her father after her mother’s rampage" -- Wait. So the wedding was post-rampage? To me, rampaging might discourage the whole 'getting married' thing... Maybe you explain in a second. I''ll read on.

"She opened her eyes. Her mother was gripping her arm, dragging her out of the room" -- First thought: What room? She's on a beach. Second thought: OOOOOOH. There was a scene transition. 8D Suddenly the whole 'picking up the music box' makes more sense. But, I would make that transition a bit more clear. Skip a line, add one of these puppies --> ~ *** Whatever works for you.

"walking toward a random door and opening it" -- What makes this door random? Is it floating in mid-air? Set into the floor? Generally, doors aren't that random. In hotel room, you've generally got an exit, a bathroom, possibly a connection to another room, and maybe a closet. It's fine if she opens one of the first doors she sees, but to say that she opens a random door sounds odd to me.

How exactly was her mom situated in the tub? At this point, I don't know if she was in the process of bathing when this all occurred, or if she was sitting there with all her clothes on, just staring, or if she was bleeding from any extremities... This is gonna freak the girl out, because her mom is randomly having a mental breakdown/medical attack/DEATH of some kind out of the middle of nowhere. So really show us what makes this terrifying enough for the girl to scream the second she sees her mom.

I don't really get the point of the first little beach scene... Maybe you were trying to give us a little way to give us a setting for the final scene before giving us the flashback, but... Nothing really important happened. She stood in the waves and sighed as the wind blew her hair back. Not only did she not have any important, intro-related details running through her head, but it's the kind of scene that shows up a lot, to be honest. Is there a way you can make your little intro spiel a little more unique, a little more gripping... A little more important? :]

Never got an explanation about what her mom's 'rampage' was, and why the groom went on with the marriage after it...

I'm interested about what made the mom decide to take her daughter away from magic, and of course I'm interested to see what the cause of the tub-death was, and what the warmth was... This has the potential to be a really good beginning. ^^ I just think you need a slightly stronger hook at the very beginning, and some refining in other places.

Good work. ^^ Keep writing.

I think this is pretty good so far. There were a few parts that confused me or just sounded a bit awkward.

First, there was the whole music box thing. She was at the beach with her feet in the water and the wind in her face and then she picked up a music box? Where did it come from? Did she have it with her the whole time? I think if you add a little detail to that it would make more sense.

'The hana, a magical button-like thing, lit up with a bright pink-tinged light.' Magical button-like thing sounds a bit awkward and strange. It breaks away from the mood and make me picture a little kids story and a toy. But the music box isn't a toy.

When you describe the dancing figure with Aleta's exact features, are they her features from the present day when she's five or from when she was four? Does the figure change as she grows up or does she stay the same?

There was one sentence where you mentioned that a book of spells was for 'future use.' I think you can take out the future use because everyone would just assume it was for later on, not for the past.

I'm interested in why the mom took Aleta away from magic and what the warmth was. Plus why she can't remember. This has good potential and a good beginning!

Good work and please keep writing!

Good job!! I'm looking forward to the next chapter. The plot seems really good!! This is exactly the story I'm looking for. I like reading good work and I definetly will be following you

Good job and keep writing!!
Narnialover4ever1

Wow, definitely captured my attention and I look forward to the first chapter. One thing I saw is that the wording and thoughts seemed a little mature for a five year old little girl, but other than that it really seems like it's going to make an amazing story. Of course there are the things with the scenery that have already been mentioned, but those are just small adjustments, so overall it's pretty fantastic. I hope you post the first chapter soon

That was really cool I can't wait for you to write more. But like other people have pointed out the whole "magical button-like thing" breaks the mood, and the setting sort of confused me. She was on the beach, and then at her aunt's and then randomly at a hotel... why was she at a hotel? How did her mother die? Who was the guy? I guess its a prologue so its meant to make you ask questions and want to read more. Good job!

Peace >'-'< (<-- kitty)

Definitely interesting I'm reading through this so I have some background for your cover contest, but I hope my reviews can be of some help, too!

I think the strongest thing in this chapter is how much it stands out. It feels really unique to me. I like your character's name, too x) All in all, I think you did a great job.

There are a few things that you could work on. To me, it feels like you have some unnecessary descriptions and details.

She picked up the music box her father had given her on her 4th birthday, right before he had left for Angia. Angia was a terrible place, a place of war and death. But her father had gone anyway, giving his life for the sake of freedom. A tear escaped and dripped off her nose; three more followed. She had been crying a lot lately, but she tried not to. She hated to cry. Her father would want her to stay strong.

That part really broke the flow of the story, and it felt like you were throwing in some random information. It's definitely important to have character background, obviously her father's death made a big impact on your character, but you don't need to tell us right away. The rest of the paragraph tells us all the information we need to know; the music box held sentimental value, and we get the sense that her father is dead.

The second thing I wanted to mention was that it felt a bit like your were jumping around with locations. I got a bit confused when you went from one scene to the next because you never bothered to mention what was going on at first. So that can be easily fixed by giving us some more detail.

Onto chapter 1!