Chilled to the core

Chilled to the core

Raw. Paralyzed. Heaving. Wallowing.

The calm opaque polar water
is disrupted with the thrashing of a new victim.
Her vulnerability tempts the selfish sea,
consuming her whole.
As she knew it would.

It actively attacks her at every angle.
Grabbing her at every limb, while
extracting her power viciously.
She scrambles above the water, barely surfacing.

Sinister. Indistinct. Cruel. Hidden

The sky is lifeless, and the air smells of slaughter.
Booming with mockery, it howls.
The separation between sky and sea is non-existent.
Dark shades of black, red and blue fill the sea
attempting to drink her in.

The salt stabs her face, and her tears savour their last tracks.
Monstrous waves sense her unwanted presence,
as ice palates gash her wounded crown.
Time is always passing, never lingering, so unforgiving.

Torn. Smothered. Weakened. Foreseen.

Her lips, cracked and bloody, attempt to inhale.
Bitter water penetrates her lungs,
successfully sinking her vigorously with delight.
She knew it would come to this.

No second thoughts now,
her dream is now the truth.
The only one she thought she could achieve.
One last exhalation, she allows her self to sink.
The water instantly throttles her neck.
Steadily her disappearance dawns into reality.


Proven. Overlooked. Escaped. Treasured

hi there,i just went over your poem quickly and then reread it and let me say you've got a nice,strong and vivid poem going on.not much like these out there.the choice of words were great,verse after verse grabbed my attention. pretty great job!:)

Heey! I like this poem alot! It's very vivid and full of imagery, you're truly a cretaive writer and you use very good, decriptive words! I also love the single lines with short, directed adjectives! I couldn't find many flaws with this, good structure, flow and rythm went on well and punctuation was good for the better part. It was this one time where you capitalized a line without ending the sentence on the one before. Off course it's okay to capitalize each line anyhows in poetry but then you should have done so in the rest of your poem too!

"As it actively attacks her at every angle
Grabbing her at every limb, and"

and, also, the same thing here;

"Successfully sinking her vigorously with delight
She knew it would come to this"

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Wow!! This is a remarkable symphony of poetry. Your poetic diction was excellent, your voice was clear, distinct and strong. You choice of words gave sensuous imagery. The mood was well set. You have a gift and I find pleasure in finding people like you. People I can relate to in writing. You have a flame and I beg you to tend it well! Good luck and keep your voice, it makes you different from every other writer.

Hi Unmarkedterritory!
This was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! I think you've got a great talent. I loved it all!

Things I liked
Well apart from everything...

Raw. Paralyzed. Heaving. Wallowing.

I loved these lines of adjectives. They're great description, and helps vary sentence length. I haven't got much else to say about them!

Her vulnerability tempts the selfish sea

Ooh, I liked that! You made the sea seem like a greedy monster! Brilliant comparison!

The sky is lifeless, as the air smells of slaughter.
Booming with mockery, it howls.
The separation between sky and sea is non-existent.
Dark shades of black, red and blue fill the sea

I liked the second line. The sea really is a monster! The third is also good as well. To me, that seemed like the whole world was sea, and there was no escape... there is no escape for her though!

Torn. Smothered. Weakened. Foreseen.

I'm speechless! I'll talk about the bold a little later though...

Proven. Overlooked. Escaped. Treasured

Lovely end to the poem!

Things I think could be improved

Not much to improve really! It's all great! Just a thing here and there.

As it actively attacks her at every angle.
Grabbing her at every limb, and
extracting her power viciously.

For the bold, I think it should be a comma because the sentence starts with 'as', so it's expected something else is going to be said. However, if you do change it to a comma, it wouldn't really be a grammatically correct (I'm no grammar expert though! I happen to remember this from an English class before the summer) because there is no main clause... no main bit of the sentence. Know what I mean? You can leave it just the way it is though. I just thought I should point that out

Torn. Smothered. Weakened. Foreseen.

I didn't really understand the purpose of the last word there. Was it already seen that she'd die? Or am I thinking of another meaning... or something else?

No second thoughts now,
her dream is now the truth.

I didn't understand this either. What did you mean by that?

Overall

Overall, it was brilliant! I think you'll have a great chance in this competition. It was nearly perfect. I think you've got a great talent just by looking at this poem. I loved it! Good luck!

Keep Poeming! (That's just a word I randomly made up now...)
Mac

Before anything, I hope I am not just repeating the previous reviews. Sorry, I didn't want to take the time to read them, I'm trying to get in as many reviews as possible before my eyes get too tired to stay open. So, now for my possibly repetitive review.

The calm opaque polar water
is disrupted by thrashing new victim.

By a thrashing new victim.

As she knew it would.

As it actively attacks her at every angle.

I dislike the as... as repetition. Maybe take it out in the first line? Just start with she?

She scrambles above the water, at eye level.

I'm not sure what you mean by at eye level...

The sky is lifeless, as the air smells of slaughter.

I would say and instead of as.

Her lips cracked and bloody, attempt to inhale.

Comma after lips.
Anyway, great poem, I especially loved the line about time and the one word sentence lines. They made it sound very sinister, yet not too terrifying to read. All in all, it was brilliant, keep writing!

I knew you had talent, but this, this is INCREDIBLE.

If you don’t mind me asking where did you get this idea from?

Anyway, let me start with my slight suggestions and otherwise never ending praise

Raw

While I love the line of four words at the end/start of every verse, I believe this word is the perfect start to this piece. In fact, I truly love every word you chose for those lines, great job on that front!

The calm opaque polar water
is disrupted by thrashing a new victim.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the opening line, but for the second one I was thinking maybe something along the lines of, "is disrupted with the thrashing of a new victim."

As she knew it would.

Is there a reason she knew the sea would envelope her? Like an event in the past perhaps...

Grabbing her at every limb, and
extracting her power viciously.

You might want to think about changing and to while.

Booming with mockery, it howls.
The separation between sky and sea is non-existent.

I love these lines; I mean they have such imagery, creativity and life! I can’t believe how descriptive you can be with words. I mean I am being honest when I say your writing is like nothing I have ever seen before.

as ice palates gash her wounded crown.

This is the perfect example for how unique your writing is. Most people would not have said crown, they would have said head or something else, but it's your word choice that really put this piece over the top for me.

Time is always passing, never lingering, so unforgiving.

This line, I think this line is true for most cases and really draws all different types of readers into this piece. I just love it!!

successfully sinking her vigorously with delight.

I love how evil the water truly is in the entire piece, but this line really drove it to someone sinister for me.

She knew it would come to this.

I like the connection back to the last line in the first verse here.

Proven. Overlooked. Escaped. Treasured

Again you could not have chosen a better word than treasured to end your piece. It honestly made it perfect!

All in all, I am amazed by your writing, you really have some talent, and I can’t wait to read your next work!!
Please keep writing!!
~SnowBerry

This is a great piece of work. Its vivid and violent (and lets face it, who deosn't like violent?)
Its a great idea and you've done really well at personifying the sea. The imagery is excellent.
I like the tinge of sorrow it has to it, without it being depressing. Hardly any grammatical or spelling errors.
You have confidence in the way you use your words, and it pays off because you have written a great poem.
Very well done, it's a great talent you've got there

Hi again! I have come to take a look at your other poem

Line-By-Line

Raw. Paralyzed. Heaving. Wallowing. [I'm not sure if I like this. The words are good but they're just a list which takes away from their power. I'm a great believer that sometimes less is more so choose one word and build us a solid image around it. Don't give us vague emotions, vague images. Give us something that's really going to open up the atmosphere.]

The calm opaque polar water [Again, you're using too many words. I'll stop bugging you about it after this but do try to cut back because your words are fighting against each other here while one, strong word would get the message across much more smoothly. I'd suggest keeping polar and ditching the others.]
is disrupted with the thrashing of a new victim.
Her vulnerability tempts the selfish sea, [Good personification of the sea. Take it further, use a she or a he instead of it in the last line.]
consuming her whole.
As she knew it would.

It actively attacks her at every angle. [Actively attacks is sloooow. You want action here so you want as word that sounds quick and destructive to reflect your words. Maybe 'It slashes' or 'It crushes'.]
Grabbing her at every limb, while
extracting her power viciously.
She scrambles above the water, barely surfacing.

The sky is lifeless, and the air smells of slaughter.
Booming with mockery, it howls.
The separation between sky and sea is non-existent.
Dark shades of black, red and blue fill the sea
attempting to drink her in.

[I like the use of colour in this stanza but I feel that your descriptions could be stronger. Like that third line. Seperation is such a lengthy and rather dull word and the whole tone feels like passive voice. Instead, you could have something like: 'The sky is the sea and the sea is the sky' or 'The sky and the sea blend like rain in the river'.]

The salt stabs her face, and her tears savour their last tracks.
Monstrous waves sense her unwanted presence,
as ice palates gash her wounded crown.
Time is always passing, never lingering, so unforgiving.

[Sometimes simple words have a much more powerful effect because they give the reader something completely ordinary but turn it in a new direction.]

This gets a bit lengthy to say that there's not much going on. Maybe condense a few stanzas? Also, the ending was pretty good, probably my favourite part. And well, my main advice to you is to make your images that bit clearer and to concentrate on building atmosphere through the sounds of your words, rather than the amount.

Thanks for the read and let me know if you have any questions or would like me to take a look at anything else,

Heather xxx

No second thoughts now, her dream is now the truth.

I did not understand that stanza,sentence,thing.(don't know about poems)

That was the only thing that bothered me.

It is a wonderful poem. Vivid,violent,and vivid!!
I think you have a chance at this competion. And if you don't win, well.....they are horrible judges!!

Raw. Paralyzed. Heaving. Wallowing.

GREAT use of adjetives.


You know, you would really make my english teacher happy with your AMAZING use of imagery.

I love how you made it come alive. It felt asthough I was beside them.

Keep up with the AMAZING work.
Hope to see more!