Il ike the concept you have here, but I think it needs a little work. Before I go all Grammar Nazi and stuff and ramble on until you want to find me and ring my neck, I'll tell you about what I liked
Quote: Land or sea, the world's my oyster, I'm the pearl, I love this. It's a great metaphor. I'd like to see what it would be like if you wrote a whole poem of nothing but metaphors, or a poem that is a metaphor itself.
Ok, on to the stuff that needs work.
Quote: I've got a special power, You don't need a comma here. That I'm not afraid to use. Want it to last forever, This should be a period, not a comma All the magic and funcifififififfinvfivnrn What on Earth is this?
So come on this is my adventure, You should change this to a period And this is my fantasy, Get rid of the "and" so that the line starts with "this" and change the comma to a period It's all about living in the ocean being wild and free. I'd put an "and" between "ocean" and "being"
'Cause I'm no ordinary girl, Either put a semi colan at the end, or a period I'm from the deep blue underworld, Put a period here instead of a comma Land or sea, I've got the power if I just believe.
'Cause I'm no ordinary girl, Again, either semi colan or period I'm from the deep blue underworld, Put a period here Land or sea, the world's my oyster, I'm the pearl, Put a period here too No ordinary girl.
We've gotta stick together, 'Cause the best things come in three, This should be a period, then make the "want" sentence a seperate line Want it to last forever, Put a semi colan here All the magic and fun at sea.
So come on Add a semi colan here this is our adventure, Theres no telling where we'll go, Put a period here All I want is just It would sound better without the "just" to live amongst the H2O.
'Cause I'm no ordinary girl, Put a period here I'm from the deep blue underworld, Put a period here Land or sea, I've got the power if I just believe.
'Cause I'm no ordinary girl, I'm from the deep blue underworld, Put a period here instead of a comma Land or sea, the world's my oyster, I'm the pearl, Put a period here rather than a comma No ordinary girl.
Come along it just gets better, Put either a period or a semi colan here So much to do and just so little time, 'Cause it all depends on whether you wanna leave the land and thoughts behind
'Cause I'm no ordinary girl, Either a period or a semi colan should go here I'm from the deep blue underworld, Put a period here rather than a comma Land or sea, the world's my oyster, I'm the pearl, Put a period here rather than a comma No ordinary girl.
Those are my suggestions. I know there is a lot of them, but as I said, I'm a Grammar Nazi. I can't help it :3 I hope this helps! ~Redrum
When I give up, I'm not showing weakness. Sometimes, I'm just showing enough strength to move on.
Don't sit down and write because you're a writer; sit down and write because you have something to say. And if the sea of ideas isn't flowing, well, just tell me about your day. — OrabellaAvenue
