Broken

Broken and heartless
im left with each passing day
it doesn't matter cause as time passes
people keep doing it over and over again.
Am i made of glass?
cause i keep getting broken everyday
Am i made of paper?
cause that blade cuts into me every night.
teardrops fall unto my hands as i bleed
my heart aches
my arm is numb
won't somebody please help me out?
they've broken everything i am
there's nothing left of me
i can't do anything but keep my silence
and not my faith,its been long gone.
I say go on and try to tear me down
now im sinking to the ground.
who am i kidding its were im ment to be
they've taken everything i have and am

This sounds like skyscraper. It's good to feel inspiration, but you can't copy what you hear. You need more than anything, to be inspired by your feelings. We all know this feeling and we all hear about it. Tell us your story. Why are you broken?

This is just a common topic and you have to be creative! This seems too vulnerable, like we know all your weaknesses. You need to really reach inside yourself if you're going for a raw poem. You have to use what you know. Find who you are as a writer.

I would comment on grammatical errors but I'm sure somebody else will. my time is limited right now.

I hope this helped and I also hope that you'll have an amazing evening!You have potential.

Hi I'm Kenzie! Welcome to YWS!

First of all I think that when you're dealing with a serious topic like that, you have to address it properly. I think the emotion was okay, but it wasn't strong enough. I think you could have really put a lot of emotion into it. Also, after reading the review above me I listened to the lyrics in skyscraper and this sounds so much like it. Just sayin'

radiatelove23 wrote:im left with each passing day

When you're writing be sure to check your grammar. It should be I'm.

radiatelove23 wrote:it doesn't matter cause as time passes
people keep doing it over and over again.

I found the second line a little sloppy. By that I mean that instead of saying 'it' you could have put some emotion into it.

radiatelove23 wrote:who am i kidding its were im ment to be

'were' should be 'where' 'ment' should be 'meant'

radiatelove23 wrote:they've taken everything i have and am

I thought you could have ended a little more strong, but that's just me.

Overall, I think you definatly have potential and you did a good job!

~Anchor

Formally speaking, I think that this is better categorized as a Dramatic, narrative piece than a lyrical one. But all the same, I'm lead to agree with the other reviews I've read on this so far. I can feel where you're coming from, and feel what you're feeling, quite easily from this piece, but I feel like what I'm experiencing here is the large, undefined shape of a powerful thing. You've got the body, now define the features--a sense of defeat, sadness, and desolation is one thing--we all experience this--but where is your eye? By eye, I mean to ask, where is your unique description of these things that we all can feel? Pain? Look at pain through the eye of your heart and the vocabulary of your imagination and paint us a picture of what you're feeling. I'm close to being able to grasp this poem and experience something distinct, but right now I'm feeling a lot of generality where I believe there is quite a lot of specific self-description that could be conveyed here. Pain...pain is a broken bottle doomed to the wrong disposal bin, never to see recycling. See what I mean? Take the general and make it your own, through the filter of your own way of painting things.

Quickly reading through it, it is a very emotional piece that can speak out to just about anybody who reads it. However re-reading a couple of times after more carefully, taking in the details it starts to lose it's effect (to me anyway), take this monologue in William Shakespear's 'Macbeth' for example: "To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more. It is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing." Every time I read it it still invokes the emotions that I felt the first time that I read it. I did like it so please don't think that I'm just slagging you off. In agreement with the first poster you should also mention why you are 'Broken', I think that in doing this it would make the poem even more relatable than it already is. A tip could be that before posting you preread your work, and if it's poetry, then think to yourself is it relatable? Or 'Have I explained clearly what I'm trying to say/express?'

You do have fantastic potential to be a very good poet and/or writer, just please dont take my words the wrong way.

It was a little choppy, there wasn't a constant rhythm, which is what makes it easy to read.
It was emotional, but I think if you do anything on this topic, it can't be JUST emotional, you literally need to make the reader feel every single feeling exactly, like it needs to be really strong, especially since this can be an overdone topic.
I think a good way to achieve that, and a more creative way, is to play more on the idea of being made of paper and glass, because that's really what it feels like.
Also there where a lot of grammatical and punctuation errors such as: it doesn't matter cause (should be because or 'cause) time passes...
There are others, too, but I think they're easy to find.
I do like the rawness of it though, it makes the feeling seem a lot more real than romanticized like a lot of poems like this are, so I think you should definitely keep that as you edit.
Good job overall, though!

Welcome to YWS! I hope am not too late. So, let's get to the point. I look for 4 things in a poem: imagery, poetic diction, mood and voice. Using this as a yardstick, here's a review of your poem.

1.) Imagery: The imagery of the poem is okay. Not the best, but okay. In my opinion, you began with good imagery then it started trailing off. As a writer, your words convey images to the reader and you should always give enough words for the reader to imagine. It's the beauty of poems.

Poetic Diction: Though there were spelling mistakes, the language of the poem was simple and straight forward. This is good.

Mood: This was the best part of the poem. From the first word to the last, the mood was clear and showed vulnerability. Your mood made the poem easy to understand.

Voice: Now this feature is quite important. Without a clear voice, you leave the reader confused. Your voice was quite difficult to identify because the imagery and the word choice was poor.

As you can see, there are a lot of flaws to this poem. A good reason is the fact that your topic was a general one and lots of people write about it. If you are going to pick a general topic to write about, you have to do it better than anyone as done it. This is quite difficult. So I would advice that your inspirations or topics should be distinct and rare. All in all, it was good a poem and it's clear you have a talent for writing. I hope this helps! Once again, welcome!

hi LooneyPandaxx here!!!
OMG this piece is AWESOME it touched my heart and almost made me cry, it was moving. I loved it!!!

I read it, and think you have a cool way of expressing emotion. No criticism except punctuation and capitalization.