Some of my very short stories...

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The ebony shadows coiled over and around her oh so pale skin, working themselves into her very soul. Madness raged in those wide and tortured eyes. The body was contorting into impossible positions as the shadows sank ever deeper, consuming her. Finally after hours of pain, her body fell limp and lifeless, the paleness of death washing over the already white skin. Only those eyes, those crazed eyes, continued to twitch but even they ceased to move… eventually.
For weeks that body lay there, dead and unmoving, but it did not rot. The shadows, that living darkness, saw to that. Under their closed lids the eyes began to twitch once more. But when they opened they were blank and lifeless. The body stood, an imitation of life in death, with its’ long black hair hanging in stark contrast to such pale skin. The shell of a once beautiful woman appeared to float away into the coming fog, its’ long, tattered dress and cloak billowing delicately behind her in an invisible wind. The thick fog swallowed the newly born Banshee.

(My English Teacher liked this one ^)


The forest echoed with silence. Nothing moved. It was as if the life had been taken out of this place. A fog, so unnatural and spectral like, seeped between the tress consuming everything into obscurity and drinking in any sound. The thick canopy overhead blocked out any light cast by the full and silver moon. Heavy foot-fall filled the empty silence, pounding like the forests own heartbeat. Within the fog all that could be seen were the brief implications of cramped and clustered trees. Darker shadows darted in and out of sight, vanishing deeper into the thick and rolling fog before anything could be truly made out.
Under the sound of the forests heart was another constant sound resembling that of breathing, but not human… Pressed deeply into the ground were smeared prints of hunter and prey. One set human, the second that of an animal. But think: where one set ended the second began.


Music played overhead, vaguely recognised as Guns ‘n’ Roses’ album: ‘Appetite for Destruction’. This was the place where no one went: the isolated bar no one knows about, home to something dark. The bar called ‘Morrigan’. The only man there was its’ keeper; a bland man, most definitely aging, robbed of his rock n’ roll youth. Tonight was especially dull, until that wailing cry was heard. The Banshee Morrigan’s cry calling to death anyone who she chose to hear it. But the keeper just ignored it, he didn’t care. The door opened and a figure strode in with unnatural grace and seated itself on a bar stool. It didn’t order anything, it just sat there, and still the keeper didn’t care. This things eyes were matt and lifeless, it’s hair wild and untamed, it’s hands too much like claws. The thing sat there for so long that the CD had played through several loops, and still the keeper didn’t care.
For poured from the gaps around the door slowly filling the place. Only when his vision was about to be completely taken did the bar keeper notice the thirst and madness in the other man’s matt eyes, only then did he care. Only then did he feel fear. Everything in that room was swallowed into the billowing white cloud. The door to the bar groaned as it was opened and the fog drained out leaving the bar empty with its’ vaguely recognised music playing overhead.
"The world existed to be read. And I read it." - L.S Schwartz, Ruined by Reading




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I'll say that your writing has promise, and that I'm excited to see where it goes and where it will take you.

However, I'll also say that, at the moment, your diction is held down by a general sense of clumsiness. It seems like many of the words you chose were adopted randomly from a thesaurus; you didn't seem to quite grasp their meaning, but just through them in because they sounded good. Here's an example of what I mean:
A fog, so unnatural and spectral like, seeped between the tress consuming everything into obscurity and drinking in any sound.

Frankly, I have absolutely no idea what you mean by this, I don't think you do, either. If you did, this wouldn't sound so pretentious. The message you're sending to me with this line, and many others, is something like, "I don't know what I'm doing, so I'm just going to fetch some big words and throw them out there and hope they make sense." You know vaguely what you're trying to say, but you don't know how to say it; or if you do, are trying to say it in a way that is beyond your skill level. That's the top-down approach to writing; good writers, on the other hand, take the bottom-up approach, which is far more effective. The message the latter sends to the reader might go something like, "I know exactly what I'm doing and where I'm going, and my goal is not to confuse you, but to teach you and communicate with you to the best of my ability."

Notice the difference? So instead of pleasing yourself, try pleasing the reader; you'll find it will be much more rewarding.

Alright. As we're nearing the end of this review, I want to say one more thing: don't try editing these. Leave them be. Start fresh, start without a pretentious mentality. Remember, in future writing endeavors, that the goal is not to estrange the reader by trying to make yourself sound a better writer than you are. The goal is to tell the reader your story in your own way.

So, by all means, keep writing.

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF




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Points 1457
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I read it, or rather "these."

I must say, you have an ethereal style about you. Everything is mystic, intrigued, imbued with literary poise. Sadly, though, we live in a meticulous age- people want to know exactly what you're saying! I dare say that most modern readers wouldn't care for artistic prose if it smacked them in the face.

So, you should try simplifying your writing style. I wouldn't say that you're "pretentious" (that's a bit drastic), but I would say that you're overreaching. The modern reader is a dummy, which means he has no careful understanding or deep appreciation for bigger words, etc.

Display plots/characters/settings artistically with airy words and beautiful imagery, but don't spend all your time in that arena of writing. It'll be hard to trim good writing, but it needs to be done for the sake of your audience. ;)

OVERALL: Tone it down to your reader's intellectual level. Other than that, great job; keep it up!



As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
— Calvin