L.O.V.E= Fail!

Hey, this is just a written poem and I just wrote it when I was in a mood It's my first one I'm writing. I've written 3 before I joined and I'll be soon putting it up It's just 4 stanza's but I think it'll be enough Hope you like it! ♥♥


I don't want a lover
Because it’s hidden with cloud cover
But if the wind's blowing me away
Then I think I’ll have to play this game I display

Love can be a nuisance
But you’ll fall once or even twice
I think ‘Love’ is never played
The potion’s just magically sprayed

Some say ‘When you love, you’re in the air’
And other’s ‘Love hurts and pains’
Which answer is believed?
Let it be heaved!

What is Love?
The answer lies to someone above…
Who cares if you fall or not?
I just hope it rots…

---
P.S: Really I don't hope it rots. It's just a poem :]

Lakshmi! Nice poem! Just one thing :

'' some say, 'when you love, you're in the air''

It should be, 'when you're in love,'

Also, since you made a rhyming poem, it limits your word choice, yet you were very good. This poem is a little cliche, bur since this is you're first, it was a good try!

I love you! :'D

- Your Soxx.

Hello, Lakshmi.
It was a good start.
Have you thought about rearranging the stanzas? I think the last one might be better as the first. You say that you hope love rots and then you say why. You don't have to change it; it's just an idea...I do like that image, though, of love rotting away.

Some say ‘When you love, you’re in the air’
And other’s ‘Love hurts and pains’

You did a good job rhyming your lines throughout. (That's something I usually struggle with.)
These two don't rhyme, though. I'm not quite sure what would work here. Love hurts and scares? Love hurts and tears? Or maybe change both lines...
Some say, 'When you're in love, you're in the sky,'
And other's, 'Love hurts deep inside,'
That's not a perfect rhyme either, but think about it.

I think this different from others in that it kind of shows both sides of love. Don't worry too much about it being a cliche. I'd love to see the rest of your poetry,

MM

Thank you so much for your reply

Yeah, it's my first poem so I think there are a lot of mistakes but guess you fixed them for me

Thanks and it really helped xD

--
L1598

@Justtrying - Thank you Soxx

Yeah, I thought my poem was a little cliche but then was like 'Oh whatever!' and then I submitted it

Oh! Right! "you're" .. Thanks for that mistake

--
Your's Lakshmi ^^

iLoveYuh tew <3

hi.. So all in all I really liked your poem. Nut I too will say that you should rearrange the stanzas.. Also What you've done with the rhyme is very good.. I have never been able to write a good poem with rhyme, so congrats to you on getting that right.. It is a well written poem.. Good Job
Harshita:)

@ harshita3chaarag: Thank you so much. It really helped

Yeah, sure! I'll work on my stanzas.

Thanks for helping me

Well, I must say I disagree with the overall message of the poem. I believe true love does exist and is not a fail. However, especially in today's society there is an idea that love is just a simple, non important word that can be used however you like and to whomever. Love has been corrupted, and I think this ruined love is what you're talking about here. So, now, setting aside my own opinion, this was a very good poem, so now I shall review.
I think there were several places where a line went too long. It interrupts the flow when you have a few short, simple lines and then suddenly there is a line that goes on and on. It would be better if you could put them all around the same length. Work on your rhythm.
I really like where you say you'll fall in love once or even twice. It's so true, and sad that the love doesn't always last.
Another thing is your rhyming, I don't know exactly what your rhyme pattern is. I think you messed up with that in a few spots.
Finally, you did a great job at showing your emotion, your opinion on this subject (even if it is just for the sake of the poem). You really caught the reader's attenition and convinced him/her that you knew exactly what you were talking about and were completely right. So, congratulations. Keep writing, you have talent!

Hi, my Charmander-friend! Demoness here to give you a review!

So, for being new at poetry I think you're very talanted. This poem has a nice structure and most of the rhymes worked real well and didn't sound forced. Below I've pointed out the one rhyme that I had a problem with and also added punctuation where I think it's needed and whatnot.

I don't want a lover,
Because it's hidden with cloud cover.
But if the wind's blowing me away,
Then I think I'll have to play this game I display. - So, I know you wrote "display" at the end to make it rhyme and it wasn't a bad rhyme, it's just that this line is too long. I really think it would be enough to end after "play" then you've got a length that is long enough and still rhymes with "away"

Love can be a nuisance,
But you'll fall once or even twice.
I think "Love"is never played,
The portion's just magically sprayed.

Some say "When you love, you're in the air",
And other's say "Love hurts and pains".
Which answer is believed?
Let it be heaved! - This is the one rhyme I had a problem with... the line is too short and doesn't give anything to the poem

What is Love?
The answer lies with someone above.
Who cares if you fall or not?
I just hope it rots.

Overall, I think this piece is okay. It's got a good flow and even though the topic is a bit cliché the way you wrote this isn't. I like the beginning of this piece - it's interesting and caused me to want to know more... why would the narrator claim such a thing but I was a bit dissapointed to see that you never answered this question. Through out the poem you just talk about love being this to some, and this to others and you not wanting anything to with it - WHY? This isn't a bad poem, and not cliché... but it is a bit dull if you know what I mean

Still, I liked it enough for it to get 3½/5 icky, sticky spiders so nice job!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hmm. Interesting poem and message. Gonna nitpick here, sorry if I'm critical.

I don't want a lover
Because it’s hidden with cloud cover
But if the wind's blowing me away
Then I think I’ll have to play this game I display. Hm. I don't really... get the cloud cover bit. The first line makes sense on it's own, but paired together it just sounds wacky. I also think the rhyme in the last two lines sounds forced, like you tacked on "I display" to make it work with the rhyme.

Love can be a nuisance
But you’ll fall once or even twice
I think ‘Love’ is never played
The portion’s just magically sprayed. Again, it's a shaky bit. I don't understand the last line. What portion? Sprayed? Sorry if I'm just being naive or something. Also, nuisance doesn't rhyme with twice.

Some say ‘When you love, you’re in the air’
And other’s ‘Love hurts and pains’
Which answer is believed?
Let it be heaved! The rhyme is off, the first two don't rhyme. Also, "Let it be heaved!" seems like a very forced rhyme, and I don't think the word heaved makes any sense in this poem.

I don't know if I agree with the message, but it's definitely interesting. Sorry for being so critical, but you're on the right track. Keep on writing!

Hi there!

I could've sworn that I already reviewed this, but I guess not. I'll review it now then! My comments are in red below.

lakshmi1598 wrote:I don't want a lover
Because it’s hidden with cloud cover Eh, that's kind of a weak rhyme.
But if the wind's blowing me away
Then I think I’ll have to play this game I display Good rhyme! I like this one.

Love can be a nuisance
But you’ll fall once or even twice Nuisance and twice don't really rhyme.
I think ‘Love’ is never played
The portion’s just magically sprayed

Some say ‘When you love, you’re in the air’
And other’s ‘Love hurts and pains’ 'Air' and 'pains' don't rhyme. Make sure to keep your rhyme scheme consistant.
Which answer is believed?
Let it be heaved!

What is Love?
The answer lies to with someone above… I personally think it'll sound better if you say 'with' instead of 'to'. But that's just my opinion, you don't have to change it.
Who cares if you fall or not?
I just hope it rots…

I really liked this poem. I hope you didn't get the wrong idea from my review, I really do think this is a good poem. I really like the subject and probably agree with half of what you wrote.

I hope my review wasn't mean or anything. Keep writing!

Nice poem, just that I don't see the need for the pause effect in the last stanza.
Good writing.

Hello there. :3

ChocoCookie wrote:I don't want a lover
Because it’s hidden with cloud cover
But if the wind's blowing me away
Then I think I’ll have to play this game I display

Okay, so the beginning was pretty much good but then in the second line things start to get a bit mysterious which kind of annoys me. What is “it” here in the second line? Then in the third line it would be, “But if the winds blow me away”. It was bigger compared to the others so it kind of got in the way of rhyming which was totally forced. :/

ChocoCookie wrote:Love can be a nuisance
But you’ll fall once or even twice
I think ‘Love’ is never played
The portion’s just magically sprayed

If you have tried to rhyme nuisance with twice over here then I must say that it was a fail. Only the last two letters of the words are the same but they don’t rhyme. And in the last line, did you want to write “potion”, instead you wrote “portion”? I am confused over here. Help me out.

ChocoCookie wrote:What is Love?
The answer lies to someone above…
Who cares if you fall or not?
I just hope it rots…

The answer lies to someone above? What do you mean by this? I do not get you by this. This doesn’t even make sense in this stanza. I think you missed a word or two here.


I am sorry if I have been hard on this one.

I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.