Enchantresses And Beauty Queens

Chapter One

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep! My alarm clock went off. I groaned. I swear to God it is evil. One night I woke up and the cord was on my throat! The alarm clock was so trying to strangle me or something. I can see the headline. “GIRL KILLED BY HER ALARM CLOCK. IS OUR TECHNOLOGY TURNING AGAINST US?’ I threw my hand out to hit it, hoping that I could somehow hit the snooze button in the process. “Ow!” my hand had hit something that was definitely not my alarm clock. Unless however, it had somehow managed to pick up a sharp object. Why did my mother have to buy me a temperamental alarm clock? Or an evil one? I mean, what’s wrong with one that doesn’t work? I opened one eye. Well, good news and bad news. The good news is my alarm clock hasn’t got a sharp object to kill me with. It was just an edge of a framed photograph of my best friend and me. The bad news is I still have no proof that Earth’s technology is turning against human kind. Well, not human kind, but... Everyone. I have to remember to have a talk with the prime minister, and demand that we make sure that no-one is allowed alarm clocks into the palace. He better not argue with me. Or else I’ll set my alarm clock on him. I opened my other eye. It was six o’clock! I had only gone to sleep at four. God, I was going to kill my best friend Melody if she ever suggested that we see how long we can stay up again. Now I got up, turned off the alarm, pulled on my school uniform and went to the kitchen in a sleepy haze to make some breakfast. After almost burning myself turning on the oven, I decided that cooking was a risk too big to take. Ah, well. I’ll just eat something else. Next order of business: Lunch. As long as I stayed away from knives.

As I made lunch I thought of the day ahead. Would he talk to me today? Would he? I hoped with all my heart he would, my heart that belonged to him, though he did not know it. I blinked. Sappy, Rach, really sappy. I finished making lunch, and despite my efforts, I continued to think about him. I remembered the way the sun shone on his wonderful dark brown hair, and made his blue-green eyes sparkle just like they did when he was laughing. I smiled, eyes closed, picturing him in my head, and then ran straight into the table. “Ow!” Snap out of it Rachel, I coached myself silently and laughed out loud as I got my own, unintended joke, remembering just what could happen when I snapped my fingers. Just about anything. It still scared me that I was in fact a very powerful enchantress. I headed for my room. I had ten minutes to do whatever I could to make myself look even slightly respectable.
I stopped in front of my mirror and looked at myself and the same old Rachel Bennet with frizzy honey-brown hair, blue eyes, braces and glasses looked back at me. Yuck, why couldn’t I look more like a supermodel and less like ….me? At least I didn’t look like an Alpatrix, like Alicia, the evil (literally! Alpatrix are very evil creatures that basically kill for the pleasure of killing and to gain energy. Creepily, these creatures devour other magical creatures and seeing as enchanters and enchantresses are the most powerful of magical creatures, we’re the biggest targets. If we use our powers, they can sense us, which is why we tend not to use our powers too much) girl from school that to us (magical creatures) she is evil and demon-like in her looks (her true form) but to everyone else (non-magical beings) she is drop dead gorgeous, the image she puts out for those not powerful enough to see through it. It is so unfair! She gets to change her appearance and we don’t. Oh well, that’s ‘cause we’re good and she’s evil. I carefully put my hair up into a plait and left my side fringe hanging near my right eye after I straightened it. I also put a little lip-gloss on, drawing attention to my lips. I dreamed of the day that I could finally get my braces off, and wished that I would not need my glasses anymore. I glared at my freckles for a minute, said goodbye to my older sister (she’s seventeen and, if I didn’t know better, I’d say she was evil), April while walking out the door, called to my mum that I needed to go and jumped into the car while listening to ‘The Lost Get Found’ on my pink iPod Nano (I’m obsessed with pink. Everything of mine is pink. I’m not a girly-girl; I just like the fact that it’s a happy, bright colour). I was singing along to ‘I won’t disagree’ by the time we got to school, and jumped out singing ‘Because lately you make me weaker in the knees. And race through my veins, baby, every time you’re close to me. Take me away to places I ain’t ever seen. You say you got a hold on me. And I won’t disagree.’ and jumped right into Drew Marone (a.k.a. Him). “Hey Rach,” he called to me. I almost fainted. I actually had to sit down on the seat which was placed next to the school gates at the drop-off area (they must have known that some of their female students would need it in order not to faint). He actually talked to me! And he knows my name! Joyous party in my brain! He knows who I am! Well, he should, considering that we sit next to each other (yes. that was my doing). “Rachel, are you okay?” he asked, looking concerned. Him, concerned about me! Oh, today’s even better than I thought it would be. “I’m fine,” I managed to stutter (fireworks -from the party- were exploding inside my head and leaving confetti to smother my brain, leaving me utterly incomprehensible) and walked over to where my best friend was standing, still in a daze.

To start off, welcome to YWS!!!!
Now, YWS is a wonderful community and whatnot but one thing that I will warn you about is that there are some HARSH or just very truthful reviewers. They're being truthful. So don't be intimidated if a very experienced reviewer comes and kinda attacks. Constructive criticism is like a blessing. Anyways, I will start reviewing here.

First, I would like it and I see a lot of potential in this story but it needs some looking over.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep! My alarm clock went off. I groaned. I swear to God it is evil. One night I woke up and the cord was on my throat! The alarm clock was so trying to strangle me or something. I can see the headline. “GIRL KILLED BY HER ALARM CLOCK. IS OUR TECHNOLOGY TURNING AGAINST US?’ I threw my hand out to hit it, hoping that I could somehow hit the snooze button in the process. “Ow!” my hand had hit something that was definitely not my alarm clock. Unless however, it had somehow managed to pick up a sharp object. Why did my mother have to buy me a temperamental alarm clock? Or an evil one? I mean, what’s wrong with one that doesn’t work? I opened one eye. Well, good news and bad news. The good news is my alarm clock hasn’t got a sharp object to kill me with. It was just an edge of a framed photograph of my best friend and me. The bad news is I still have no proof that Earth’s technology is turning against human kind. Well, not human kind, but... Everyone

Ummm....no. To be honest, this will force your reader to skim through your writing because this is unnecessary detail. When you mention the picture of her best friend and her, you could have given a little more information of what her best friend is like. You should cut out her hatred towards the clock because it just makes her sound dangerously immature. There's a difference between being comical and immature.

Next:

Would he talk to me today? Would he? I hoped with all my heart he would, my heart that belonged to him, though he did not know it. I blinked. Sappy, Rach, really sappy. I finished making lunch, and despite my efforts, I continued to think about him. I remembered the way the sun shone on his wonderful dark brown hair, and made his blue-green eyes sparkle just like they did when he was laughing. I smiled, eyes closed, picturing him in my head, and then ran straight into the table. “Ow!” Snap out of it Rachel, I coached myself silently and laughed out loud as I got my own, unintended joke, remembering just what could happen when I snapped my fingers. Just about anything. It still scared me that I was in fact a very powerful enchantress. I headed for my room. I had ten minutes to do whatever I could to make myself look even slightly respectable.

See this part. Sorry to say but this was kind of a failed attempt to put in some romance or suspense or whatever mood you were trying to put in here. To make this better, you will have to change and improve your previous paragraph.

Now to dialogue. I have a lot of trouble with dialogue so I'm kind of the wrong person to help you with this but dialogue should not be within the paragraph. Such as the end.

“Hey Rach,” he called to me. I almost fainted. I actually had to sit down on the seat which was placed next to the school gates at the drop-off area (they must have known that some of their female students would need it in order not to faint). He actually talked to me! And he knows my name! Joyous party in my brain! He knows who I am! Well, he should, considering that we sit next to each other (yes. that was my doing). “Rachel, are you okay?” he asked, looking concerned. Him, concerned about me! Oh, today’s even better than I thought it would be. “I’m fine,” I managed to stutter

"Hey Rach," he called to me.

Insert personal thoughts here

"Rachel, are you okay?" he asked, looking concerned

Him, concerned about me?! Oh, today's even better than I thought it would be

"I'm fine,"I managed to stutter

Now here I go with my other personal thoughts. At what time/period is this because alarm clocks and enchantresses don't sound like they belong in the same time zone. Also, if she's an enchantress, I personally think she should sound a little bit more mature.Also, those paragraphs that you have written should not be written about how annoying her alarm clock is or whatever. They should be used to build an attention-grabbing setting and mood. I would keep a novel (a fantasy novel or adventure; whatever genre you're doing) to help you out. That's all I will say. I hope your future reviewers will also help you. Good luck and keep writing.

Hello there. You read my chapter so I will read yours. I hope you have a lovely day and do not take any offence to what I am about to say. I do not say anything to harm or boost anyone’s self-esteem, just improve writing. So here we go…

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep!

There is no need to dramatize the word like this. Just describe the loud sound as it disturbes your MC from sleep.

My alarm clock went off. I groaned.

This is a good example of telling, not showing. You can add onto this by saying how she whips her hand onto her night stand, searching in the darkness for the evil machine. She groans as she finds it and finally silences the blasted noise.

I swear to God it is evil. One night I woke up and the cord was on my throat! The alarm clock was so trying to strangle me or something.

I don’t know about that.

I have to remember to have a talk with the prime minister,

The prime minister? I’m not too sure about this.

It was six o’clock! I had only gone to sleep at four.

Have her see the time and maybe groan again or something. And there’s no need for exclamation points. We get she’s upset.

God, I was going to kill my best friend Melody if she ever suggested that we see how long we can stay up again.

You use “God” a lot and I know that it is used in today’s language. But do you think a princess figure would talk so informally?

Now I got up,

Using ‘Now’ you’ve tried to stay present tense, yet the rest of the story is in past. Just get rid of ‘Now’

(literally! Alpatrix are very evil creatures that basically kill for the pleasure of killing and to gain energy. Creepily, these creatures devour other magical creatures and seeing as enchanters and enchantresses are the most powerful of magical creatures, we’re the biggest targets. If we use our powers, they can sense us, which is why we tend not to use our powers too much)

There is no reason to use exclamation points unless in dialog. Also. There is absolutely no reason to use parenthesis here. This could be a paragraph on its own.


First off—You need more paragraphs. You plump everything into three large thought junks. Just separate each paragraph with a new thought or event, and you must always start a new paragraph when someone is speaking. It’s a huge rule. My suggestion is read. By reading you can see the format in which stories take. There are very few with junks like this and to be honest it is a bit overwhelming.

Second—There’s a few times I’ve said it in my nitpicking but I can’t really stress it enough. When writing you have to show your reader what is happening to your MC, not just tell them. Don’t tell me Jenna went to the bakery. Show me her walking, what does she see? What smells slam into her when she first opens the door. You know? It’s a good habit to get into. My advice is to go outside with a pad and pencil/pen and describe everything you see. Take the POV of a bird. What goes on in the birds head? What does it see? Hear? What is the only thing on its mine and how does it succeed in it; survival? Understand?

Third—I’m kind of confused as to why she is making her own lunch and breakfast. From what I gathered, she’s a princess type? I don’t know about you, but my first job as a princess would be to hire someone to do that kind of thing for me? Wouldn’t she have at least one servant?

Fourth—I decided to stop going line by line with you because a lot of it is repeating what I’ve already said. My advice would be to go back and edit your work. And take all previous said advice.

Overall: It’s pretty basic. There isn’t very much to your MC. I find her to be very shallow and immature. There’s nothing I really enjoy about being in her head. Her thoughts would bother me and I wouldn’t continue reading. I’m not sure what your plot is, or a theme, or moral of the story.
My advice is to continue practicing with your writing. There’s no reason to stop now that you’ve started. It’s very difficult and takes a lot of work and research. However, once you get to that point where you can write grammatically correct and what not, it can be very enjoyable. The best thing you can do to improve your own writing is to read. Believe it or not. By reading you are able to take in all of the grammar, the descriptive words and soon you’ll be remembering them and incorporating them into your own writing.


Good effort. Thumbs up

--Jayleigh

mmmh...the story rambles on about nothing in particular and if you improved on you sentence structure and your spelling and punctuation your story would improve greatly. I'm struggling to understand the point of it at the moment and I think you need to read over your post before posting it.