Break him

Do you know five women? I have a very dark sense of humor, I like dirty jokes, but rape jokes are a pet peeve of mine, because one in five women have been sexually assaulted. For one in five women, it isn't just a word that you throw around to seem edgy. Statistically, you probably know quite a few women who have experienced it, they're usually not people you would expect, and most people don't come forward. Part of the reason they would find it difficult to come forward is because people are still shamed and ridiculed for doing so. In 2008, a thirteen year old girl in Somalia, Aisho Ibrahim Dhuhulow, was buried to her neck in a football stadium and stoned to death in front of a thousand people, because she was gang raped by three men.

"but secretly,
she was asking for this."

Really?

Look, I can't really analyze this as anything but a concept piece, there is very little supporting poetic technique, the structure is undisciplined, it's not mind-blowingly observational, or unexpected. The only thing holding it together is this joke, that women pretend to be prudes when they're actually sluts, lulz. It could be your sister, your cousin, your friend, your girlfriend, your mother, but you got the attention you were looking for, that's all that matters.

Wow, did you ever miss the point. Men are dramatically likely to come forward about being assaulted than women are, in fact it's so common a joke, you find it on prime time TV, you can use the phrase 'don't drop the soap' and seem innocuous. It's not about gender, it's about human rights.

So! How about poetry, eh?! ;)

Right-o. I read your explanation below, so there’s no need to walk through the piece itself—rather, I’d just like to ponder on how to better focus this towards your intended target. You say that you intended it to be a representation of how sloth is keen to overtake us. And while your use of rape—the helpless, powerless being overtaken—works in this case, I think it needs that extra nudge, a little umph to ice the cake, so to speak.

Honestly, at the point at which it stands, it seems more humorous than point-making; however, that actually works quite well in place of giving a poem that, forgive me for the pun, rapes the concept of rape a serious tone. It just doesn’t bode well to do it that way. And so in that respect, I suggest not changing it.

Anyway, I don’t suggest using ‘skin’ so closely together between lines four and five.

Other than that, I really don’t have much to toss at you. Keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions!

Also, be prepared for a couple of bad reactions. Those things tend to happen with risqué material.

-Lumi

I would define " secretly/ she was asking for this" as a punch line, it is the dramatic twist after all. I understand the metaphor, but what I am trying to say it is not one you should employ lightly, or with humour, when part of the reason it remains a crushing social injustice is through jokes and perpetuated stereotypes. I think that it makes you sound like a less sophisticated poet than you are, and despite the prevalence self-referential retrosexism, irony is not a panacea for these attitudes, at least not while they remain the actual opinions of so many people. In simple terms, it's not funny while people are still getting hurt. In a couple of hundred years, everything becomes funny.

The act of rape occurs nowhere in this poem; naps can't rape people. The concept of rape, defined figuratively in my dictionary as "the wanton destruction or spoiling of a place or area", does.

Except that it was happening to a person, not a place or an area. She/He was not a rainforest, so you don't get to play that card. You personified the 'nap', so yes it can.

Do I take that concept somewhat lightly? Yes, but mostly because of how my culture views some things in our nature as humans in a similar light. Do I take the actual act of rape, in which a woman I very well may know is assaulted and devastated, lightly? No. No. No. How on earth you could come to that conclusion from this paltry piece of writing is beyond me, and I was upset about it.

My point is, for a very large number of people, the concept, the views, and the act are not divided, they are someone's life. Part of what makes their lives harder is how culture perceives this, and this poem adds to this perception without subverting it in any meaningful way.

I used the language surrounding the discussion of the act of rape I hear all the time in American media: "She was dressed a certain way; she was asking for it, etc.", because I was trying to locate my subject matter. I'm taking the piss out of that sort of ridiculous logic by juxtaposing something harmless like a nap with the disgusting concept of rape. Does anybody ask to be sleepy when they don't get enough sleep?

You don't make it seem disgusting, though, you make the assault as flippant as the nap, rather than the nap as serious as the rape. The difference between becoming sleepy and getting raped, by the way, is you post traumatic stress disorder.

To draw on another experience, I lost my cousin in a car accident. Do I get upset when someone uses the idea of a car crash metaphorically to comment on something else? No. Would I get upset if they turned someone losing a loved one in a wreck into a crass joke. Yes. But the actual act of a car wreck would have to happen or be referenced in their joke. In my poem, no cars are being wrecked.

I am sorry for your cousin, but I would consider it to be a crass joke, and it does upset me. Can I ask, if you had been raped, would it offend you? I am not easily offended, but I see no depth to justify the use of the imagery, no biting social commentary or subversion, it's not really that sophisticated. Society not taking sleepiness seriously, that is not the crux of the joke, it's your punch line.

Honestly, I didn't take humor away from this at all, and didn't find the topic offensive. However, technically, I DO think that it needs work. The topic of rape is quite volatile and attention grabbing, as shown by some of the other reviewers, and despite the fact that it isn't offensive, persay, it's still best handled sensitively. I kind of like that you used the catchphrases associated with rape from media and angry people because I think that it managed to bring out the tone that you wanted in this piece. However, I do think that this would associate it with rape in the sense of a woman being violated more than the definition that you explained in your review. Your imagery goes to support this as well.

I do think that this piece, aside from the strong and violent connotations that the word "rape" automatically brings into play, this piece actually falls a bit flat. There's that initial sense of a small bit of outrage, a bit of confusion, understanding, and then nothing much at all. I don't know how to suggest fixing it, but I thought I'd address it so you have something to think about.

Hope I helped. If I didn't, or I did and you're curious about something I said, don't be afraid to shoot me a PM.