The Massiveness of How Sad It Is to Want Someone (2)

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It's good that your being hard on yourself as its going to make you better but I think you might be being a little too hard here. I need to go read the first part but commenting on this I felt that the dialogue ran smoothly and was completely believable. Much of it is very insightful and very difficult to believe that it was written by a 15 year old.

Being gay myself I didn't find the subject matter to be risque and I felt the descriptions to be very convincing and evocative. Even though you might be a little on the young side to be writing about stuff like this I remember what it was like to be a 15 y/o boy so I understand.

I think the title is wonderful and engaging and definately think so should continue with this, I'd be interested to see where it's going to go.

Good luck and hopefully you can modify this so it is more to your liking, I think its pretty damn good as it is though.

I can only agree with the above review.

I really liked it, even more as the first chapter this sucked me in and I couldn't stop reading. It flows naturally, I had a pretty good sense of the setting (except in the beginning. if anything, I would like you to change the beginning, that was a bit confusing. At first I thought it was set in a bar, because of the smoke), and I even got a glance into the characters' mind.

Keep on writing please! I read your comment in the blog and I know how a dead line can have a great effect on productivity. Just look at it this way: you've written something you can work on. And if it really is so bad (in your eyes, since I really really like it) you can always go back and rewrite it.

I hope this helped a bit. Maybe tell us a bit more about what it is that bugs you so much about this chapter. That way we can help more easily.

Keep up the great, unusual work! I would love to read more! (and already looking forward to next Saturday/Sunday/Monday)

~Lemikita

Morning, Odd.

What you said about not thinking this was what you were aiming for—I think it shows in that peculiar way where the piece acutely violates your voice. There’s something fluid and poetic about a story, or in this case a chapter, that moves itself forward, but there’s also something dissonant about it. Personally, I think it may be that you got caught up in the heavy poeticism of the stoner sex. The imagery of the storm, electricity, the fog and the magnetism—it all propelled the prose so far forward so quickly, and yet hardly at all that I think it may have captured your train of thought.

Of course, that’s just speaking from experience; I may be miles off. At some point, I would treasure a description of the dominant male—not in a graphically detailed way, but unless it’s intentional to leave him to our imaginations, it’d be nice to have a guideline. He tended to drift between features for me, and that didn’t settle well when it came to the latter half.

That’s mostly because the latter half shows a quirkiness in this new male’s character. Some sort of persona dissonance between the “don’t you dare tell a soul” closet master and the “you will always feel scars of your love” Tyler Durden / Alaska Young character in the last portion. It’s very intriguing to see him played out like that, almost like he’s intentionally layered this way. Though, of course, it could be accidental—I know I do that at times; I get so wrapped up in having to slide memorable quotes and directives here and there that I violate voice. And you may have done that. It’s important that you balance, even if it has to cost you a memorable quote or two, and if you’re anything like I am, that hurts. A lot.

Anyway, there’s also a bit of mood dissonance between the vivid, poetic detail you give the reader in the first half—I guess we can call that foreplay—and the dazed, Charlie-from-Perks boy you lick at in the second half. Of course you can chalk it up to trip vs. crash or whatever you want, but there may need to be a bit of reigning in or letting loose—either one works. Personally, (and I’m really bad about this, so my word can’t be law here) I’d love to see the poeticism stay in the first half as it’s some of the most beautiful nightmare-fuel-sex-scene material I’ve seen. The imagery works for the content.

The progression of the dominant boy’s advances is very nicely played. Natural, almost like it’s you telling us a personal story.

So the dominant guy is hungry, has the munchies, brings back potato chips—so natural that it almost goes by without the reader noticing—and then he reflects on the sex. Eh. It’s just so damn awkward, which is probably intentional.

This line—“I mean—is it too early for me to say I love you?”—brought me into the belly of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, into this Charlie-esque character that fits him very well. After this point, I kept waiting for him to have a panic attack.

Following that, I’m not a fan of you blatantly saying that he has a wound in his heart. It’s just very “I hope you caught this, but just in case, Imma say it again!” to me.

Then we have the huge character flip into the “I get this kind of stuff and you don’t” character that I mentioned earlier. There’s an issue with the dialog in the end—try and clarify who says what in the last few quips just to be safe.

I hope this helped rationalize things for you as far as why this doesn’t set well with you. I did like it as a building block to Levi’s past, and I hope you do continue this. You’re brilliant, and should never doubt that.

With love,

-Lumi

You say this is the worst thing you're written in 3 to 4 months. I say it's wonderful.

It's strikingly different than the melodramaticism in the previous chapter, and shows some sort of character development that the last chapter didn't really show. I got swept up into the poeticism that Lumi mentioned in the first half, and into the true dramaticism in the second half. I like how this relationship is developing, or not developing. I like the interaction between these two characters, because it seems more real than the interaction between Levi and Elise.

Fantastic. A very creative way to provide some backstory.

Sorry I can't say anything more constructive. Can't wait for more.

KF

I hate it when I go read a novel and everyone has already said everything -__-. So I'm just going to go on and say it. This guy he falls in love with...smh!!! Would it be right to dislike his lover because I'm starting to. I admire your writing skills. I agree with one of your reviewers. This does have some sort of poetic vibe to it and I don't see much stories like that. You are a very talented writer and I hope you don't underestimate your talent. Keep writing.

Before I get on to the actual review, I'm going to have a bit of a rambled rant. I do apologise for that, but it's for your own good though, I swear.

Spoiler

Ugh. Just ugh. This is not what I set out to write--the story's the same, but the atmosphere isn't working for me. Probably one of the worst things I've written in the past 3, 4 months. I'm only posting it because I'm hoping one of you can give me the help I need... I haven't been able to edit. And I was in a dark place when I wrote this, so I know it's very "seen it."
On a side note, if you've read the previous chapter, you'll notice it's past tense. It's a flashback (as every other chapter for a good portion of the novel will be). But I haven't used that tense for quite a while, and I kept switching between the past and present. So if you find any like errors, please let me know.

If, for whatever reason, you actually like this, you can follow the club here to get notifications when new chapters come out.

Okay, okay. Hold on there, McNegative. Don't take it personally, but I absolutely hate it when writers do this. The good thing is that you included this at the end of the piece rather than at the beginning because it becomes annoyingly distracting then, but it being there in the first place still irritates me.

Basically, I hate it when writers go on about how their piece sucks. I really do. You did this in the first chapter as well, if I remember correctly. The problem is that, to begin with, it often looks like the writer's fishing for compliments (I know you're not, but it could give that impression), secondly, it can make the readers think that there's no point in reviewing the piece because the writer clearly hates it a lot, and thirdly, it's just off-putting.

I've actually stopped reading a novel before because with every chapter, the writer commented on how she hated the piece. No matter how much I said what she was writing was good, she kept on doing it. I had no choice but to stop reading in the end because me reviewing it ended up feeling pointless because she was constantly so negative. I wouldn't do that to you, of course 'cause you're a babe, but it could easily scare off other readers and reviewers.

I especially hate this because I used to do it myself. I always said how I didn't like what I posted, and mentioned the things I hated about my writing. Then I realised how stupid I was being. If the reviewers found something they didn't like, they'd say it themselves. I didn't have to mention what I hated. In the end, the reviewers liked what I hated a lot of the time anyway.

It's okay to say that you think this or that needs improvement, but when it comes down to it, your readers will tell you what's good and bad. They know best. If something bothers them, they'll tell you. If nothing bothers them, they'll tell you. You've just got to take their word for it. Don't feel like you have to justify your writing every time you post it: trust me, I was exactly the same.

EDIT: Or to say it bluntly, take this example by the wonderful Kamas:

Hi Jasmine,

Let us begin!

I wrote this a few weeks ago while at an appointment. I don't like it much. I don't understand it much either.

If you don't like it, why did you post it? I'm generally not interested in justifications of a poem, let it stand on its own. But onto the poem.

See, it's not just me. Not a lot of people are fans of negativity, and some say it more bluntly than others.

Phew! Now that's over with, I'll actually try and review this for you.

Despite your negativity, I thought this was another great chapter. I'm liking that we're seeing Levi's life a bit more now and getting behind the reasons why he's feeling like he is. Hey, at least I was right about the gay thing. That's one mystery off the list. One down, another 100 to go. xD As always, your metaphors were pretty, the grammatical stuff was more or less perfect, and I'm happy that we got more of an insight into Levi's character. I quite liked the Angel guy too, although I want to mention him a bit later.

To begin with, I'm going to embarrass myself by saying that at times, I was a bit distracted from the actual story... because of the metaphors. My attention spam is terrible, I know. I'm not going to drag this out because, well, I'm probably being totally biased because like I've already said, I'm not overly keen on the poetic kind of stories. It's just that the metaphors were especially distracting here. Take the way you started it off with the fan, for example. I was kind of confused because it seemed completely random considering I jumped from the last chapter, straight to this one. Don't get me wrong because the metaphor itself is great. I just... I suppose it felt a bit heavy to have it right at the beginning, if you get what I mean.

Another thing that bugged me is the ending. Not exactly the ending as such, but Levi's confession. In ways, I like the fact that he thought he was in love with Angel, but on the other hand... I found it a bit off-putting. I think you want Levi to come across as naive, so having him say that to Angel showed that, but for some reason, I wasn't keen on it. It just seemed a bit random. Like he said himself, he'd only known Angel for a day. For example, you hadn't really given us a warning before hand that Levi would say it. True, you expressed the fact that the sex meant a lot to him and such, but it still felt like it came from nowhere. I suppose it's not so much that Levi said that he loved Angel, but the fact that it felt like it came from nowhere.

What came after that part was a bit weird to me too. Suddenly, everything became wise, especially Angel. I could have sworn he has a multiple personality disorder or something. One moment, it was like he was sort of taking the piss out of Levi and being all cold hearted, and the next, he's sharing advice full of deep meaning with the kid. Maybe I'm just being too touchy here, but it did bother me a little. I guess you give the impression that Angel's a pretty smart guy, so it's not really that I don't expect him to be wise as such... I guess what he says just seems to come out of nowhere. A bit like the way Levi told Angel that he loved him. >.<

Negatives aside, this was another good chapter, even if you don't think so.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins