My Noose

My noose, my noose,
Choking, suffocating,
Pulling and ripping,
Tearing the life away...
My life,
Slipping away.
I reach for it.
I miss.
I jolt awake.
Back to reality,
Into my personal hell.

Hey, BrooklynWriter.

So what you have here seems pretty short. Not that short is a bad thing, just that when I read a short poem I expect it to pack a bigger punch than a longer poem. You're using fewer words so you want each line to complement eachother fittingly. You want the beat of your poetry to ring loud in the readers head so that they feel the emotion being portreyed. Most importantly, you want the message to be loud and clear, not so subtle that readers glance it over and feel nothing.

I think that you picked a strong subject to evolve your words around, and that gives it enough of a base to start with. What you want to do is work it up to a sort of climax or extremely mellow ending I think. One thing I didn't so much care for was the repetition of "my noose my noose", for once you had repeated it twice I was expecting the rest of the poem to follow in that rhythm. Which it didn't really, but I don't think that's a bad thing. Maybe if you removed that little repetition and replaced it with something else it would hold your poem up a lot better.

The last thing I wanted to point out I guess was the ending. It seemed very soft spoken. There wasn't as much energy in it as I would have liked to see. Perhaps replacing your ending line with something a bit more full if energy would be great for this poem. But that's simply my own opinion. You did a nice job though, but I think if you made a few subtle tweeks it could be so much better. :]

-Smylin'

So I had to look up the word noose like a dork, and I reread your poem with my new knowledge -- and I love it!

I think you captured your message and meaning and emotion brilliantly in such few words. There isn't much you can say as you die, which is what I'm sure is happening. It's almost like she's gasping for breath as you shorten your words. /ramble/ Anywhoo, I think this was really really good.

I love the "I jolt awake" part. I don't even know why really, I just really do. It love how you end it as she wakes up. The "own personal hell" could mean a few things -- she could have woken up and she didn't die and she has to face the music, or she actually wakes up in hell, or whatever you had in mind. Either way, it's really good.

Keep it up!

Okay so I thought this was quite lovely... I mean it didn't say that much and maybe you should have tried to mash something of greater importance into this and have this awegreat message and I didn't really find that being said in a stunningly good way but..... Well, I kinda loved it as it was. You know, short, simple and with a good, gripping end-line where the reader/or I at least was uncertain if they survived or died. I realize I'm not saying anything helpful here... but, I just needed to mumble away

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey cuz! Happy review day!

Woah. That was so dark. I normally don't read that stuff, but for you I did.

This poem is very short, as those before me mentioned. Part of what leaves the impact of short poems are: word choice and format. Since SmylinG already covered part of word choice, I'll go straight to format. I realize that YWS' format isn't as great as a document's or notebook's, but we can try! If I were you, I'd go like...

My noose,
my noose,
Choking,
suffocating,
Pulling and ripping,
Tearing the life away...

My life,

Slipping away.
I reach for it.

I miss.

I jolt awake.
Back to reality,
Into my personal hell.

Doesn't that leave more of an impact? With some poems, word's suffice. With this one, I think that your word's are a little to small, simple, and rare to leave enough impact. So: Format!

Wow. Very intense. Understand this as a compliment since this is pretty much all the kind of poetry I write. You really get the point across that you [or the speaker] has something going on their life that... well, to be blunt... sucks. One thing I wouldn't mind seeing you expound on is if this "noose" is something that is entirely out of the person's control or if it is something that is being done to the person. Since this poem is so short, though, it gives a lot of flexibility for the reader to interpret a little more freely. Either way, very well done.

Dear EtCetera,

This poem is filled with intense emotions.
That is what I like most about it.
I feel like the others have pretty much said it all.
I just wanted to say that you are a great writer and have alot of raw talent.
You put that talent to good use.

<3

-AnAmericanTeenager