Let the bullets fly

She raises the gun to her head pulls the trigger and lets the bullets fly,
I know your secret he quivers you tried to commit suicide,
a pool of blood fills the floor but still she never dies,
your immortal he states let the bullets fly.

Good morning, Neon!

This is a very, very short piece, and as such, it should make an impact in the reader’s mind despite its lack of space. That means that emotion, imagery, lyricism, narrative—it all has to fit into these four lines you’ve provided. Unfortunately for the reader, only narration and imagery are present here. But I’ll return to that point in just a second—I want to fix these glaring errors you have littered throughout the piece.

She raises the gun to her head, pulls the trigger, and lets the bullets fly.
“I know your secret,” he quivers, “you tried to commit suicide.”
A pool of blood fills the floor, but she never dies.
”You’re immortal,” he states, ”let the bullets fly.”[/b]

I highly suggest trying out spell check before posting a work on YWS! It’ll save the reviewer time and effort, and it reflects better on you that you actually care, and will take something decent from our reviews.

Anyway, your piece here suffers a severe lack of content, poetically. Turn it into a piece of fiction and write it into a story as it is, or put some sort of emotional impact into the lines so you don’t leave your reader with absolutely nothing.

I’d like to think that you have a decent shell of a narrative poem started here, but you desperately need more. Just gather up the pieces of this not-a-poem and figure out where you want to go with it, and then go there.

Let me know if you have questions or need anything,

-Lumi

Woah! Hi there, Writingneon.

Well, first of all this is a kind of strange topic... I kind of liked it, but I didn't... I mean, I like how you wrote it, but I don't like o.o suicides... but if she's immortal I guess it's alright, it reminds me of the girl from 'Heroes'. *slaps self "stop babbling"*. Okay, let's get to reviewing: *grins*

1. The title... Titles should be capitalized, like this: "Let The Bullets Fly".

2. I think that this would be a part of a great song, the chorus, being specific. I don't know, I would love to see this poetry longer, to get to know the Character better. Maybe you could turn this into a song with two more verses and maybe a bridge. (Yeah, I know I ask a lot) But I think it'd be fun and people would like it... it's an interesting topic.

3. Now, you need help with the organization and punctuation, I think. But in the bright side, I'm here to help! I know, I'm silly. Here's how I'd do it for it to look more poem-like...

WRITINGNEON wrote:She raises the gun to her head pulls the trigger and let's the bullets fly,
I konw your secret he quivers you tried to commiy suicide,
a pool of blood fills the floor but still she never dies,
your imortal he states let the bullets fly.

She raises the gun to her head,
pulls the trigger and lets the bullets fly.
"I know your secret," he quivers,
"you tried to commit suicide."
A pool of blood fills the floor,
but still, she never dies.
"You're immortal," he states,
"Let the bullets fly."


You did a great, though. Keep writing! ^_^

~Solvy <3

I would recomend overlooking this passage, I see some mistakes.

She raises the gun to her head , pulls the trigger , and let's the bullets fly. You need to add commas there, to make the sentence more clear and add more flow to it.
"I know your secret," he quivers." you tried to commiy suicide." Basic diologue corection, make sure you have good punctuation.
a pool of blood fills the floor but still she never dies,
"your imortal," he states." let the bullets fly."
Once again, dialogue. Diologue is very important in writing

I kind of like it, though it is confusing to me. Why don't you make this a short story about an immortal girl? I would also like to know who's speaking, and who's the girl in this passage. So before you submit anything, I woudl recomend re-viewing it and corecting any grammer mistakes.

Overall, this is nice. It shows that immortality can make some people not want to live anymore becuase they've seen death (If that what's your trying to send out?). If you want a message, try to state it somewhere in the story so that it can give the readers a clue of what you're trying to say to them. Also, try to make this more clear my making it longer so that the title fits.

Hope this helped! :)