If You Only Knew Me

I'm a five feet specimen of sheer feminity
I have eyes which speak with vivid clarity
I'm so innocuous yet frightingly blunt
So forgive me but this is no stunt
My eyes are the windows to my soul
But i'm far more guarded the truth be told
I'm all this and so much more
If you only knew me

I can start a conversation in my head
And make you think that I was mad
I can tell you how we met, but each time end it differently
But trust me we've never met, cause' I ignore you indefinitely
I can tell you that I'm shy just to explain why I'm irrevocably loud
But you'll think it weird cause' to you, I'm just proud
I'm all this and so much more
If you only knew me

I can tell you of our song
Of how we danced to it in the rain
But you wouldn't remember a thing
Because it was all the fiction of my brain
I can tell you of those times
Of how I replay it each night in my mind
But what's the point?
Cause' to you, I'm but a dime
Unique yet worthless like slime
I'm the fragment of your imagination
And you're the suppressed emotion

You think you know me, but really do you?
You probably never will, but that's okay with me
Because I'm all that and so much more,
If you only knew me

Hello LindsayG! I must say, I like poems/stories that focus on a writer's perspective on life! Perhaps it's because we get told to "write what we know!" and that makes it easy to identify with. But, for sure, I can totes identify with that "fiction of my mind" line. Anyway -- a review.

Rhyme

I feel a bit like I've already written this part of the critique, so I'm going to rethink it a bit to tailor it to your poem. Personally, if there is a single thing that can turn a poem from "quite good" to "a bit naff really" then forced rhyme is that thing. I know when you're writing poetry it's easy to feel that you absolutely must make it rhyme, but to do this effectively is far more difficult than it looks.

I'm so innocuous yet frightingly blunt
So forgive me but this is no stunt

I'm not entirely convinced, if I'm honest. Also "soul/told" is rather weak. But this gives you an interesting dilemma -- you could either rethink the rhymes and see if you can find some more natural phrases (rather than ones that are only there to include a rhyme!). Alternatively you could remove most of the rhymes -- I think this is a poem that could equally do without them since the rhythm is rather relaxed. Have a think about it and see what suits you -- you're the poet!

Those-little-bits-at-the-end-of-each-stanza

There's probably a name for these, but it eludes me! Either way, I like them! They reinforce the message of the poem, and I think their repetition makes that quite clear. I also like how you extended it for the last stanza, but it does feel a bit awkward now that it's separated and in a stanza of its own. Still, this is just little stuff -- again it's up to you!

Imagery

Perhaps you could add a little more? This is a poem about a writer -- so maybe you can show off and give the reader a taste of what you can cook up with words! Your first stanza is a lot more descriptive in the words it uses than the later ones -- is this intentional or do you just need encouraging to keep up the good work?

As I said earlier:

Because it was all the fiction of my brain

It's definitely my favourite line! I think you could fit more "writing" words in, like fiction or words or prose or... well, you know what I mean! This is a main theme of the poem, so it wouldn't hurt to strengthen it some more!

Overall

A nice poem you've written, LindsayG! I think, from rereading it, that you could actually have posted this in the Dramatic Poetry forum -- still, that doesn't detract from the ideas you've put behind this! Keep writing, LindsayG. And if you make any major edits to this one then please give me a shout!


Charlie

Hey LindsayG,

I'll start off with corrections:

I'm so innocuous comma yet frightingly blunt

Since ‘frightingly’ Isn’t a word, and doesn’t sound nice at all try ‘frightfully’

So forgive me comma but this is no stunt

This line sound dreadfully forced.

My eyes are the windows to my soul comma
But iI'm far more guarded, truth be told

I won’t add punctuation everywhere, but I will say you need more.

I can start a conversation in my head comma
And make you think that I was mad

I can tell you how we met,
but each time end it differently
But trust me we've never met,
cause' I ignore you indefinitely
I can tell you that I'm shy just
to explain why I'm irrevocably loud
But you'll think it weird cause' to you,
I'm just proud

That section you say 'but' WAY to many times. The line were all to long for the rest of your poem. Also you don't need the 'just' I think it sounds better without.

Of how we danced to it in the rain comma
But you wouldn't remember a thing

Cause' to you, I'm but a dime
Unique yet worthless like slime

Way to forced.

Okay. For the poem you started talking about how much you are. Then you completely changed the topic to how they made you worthless. (Like slime? ) And to things that happen, not to show how much you are if they really knew you. The only stanza I really liked was the first one. There you were on topic, and snarky. It made me smile.
Your poem needs work.

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo