What Is Love

Love is fake, false, full of lies
Love is pain, hurt, agonizing screams
Love is being alone, dreaming for daylight, sobbing
Love is believing in someone who is shallow and full of acid
Love is being broken, consumed by the black abyss
Stuck in the void
Despairingly, hopelessly, hollow and empty
Happiness is a lie
Being together only brings the tears, creates the cuts
The dull sense of hope is crushed when he breaks you
You try to loathe him, hate him
But all you want to do is kiss, hug, hold him
So.
Not knowing what else to do
You cry.
Until your heart bleeds dry.

I think this is really beautiful! I especially like the last line!

Hi,

The rhyme works well here and it develops nicely and flows well as a whole. I especially enjoyed;

"The dull sense of hope is crushed when he breaks you".

I'd re-examine the structure: I think that the repetition of "Love is" at the start is a bit unnecessary and gets a bit taxing. You could very easily cut some of them and replace them with commas.

I'd also look at some of the more dramatic statements like:

"Love is believing in someone who is shallow and full of acid
Love is being broken, consumed by the black abyss"

and see if you can make them more visual. Rather than giving us the rather cliche "black abyss" can you give us an example of what the speaker looks like, acts like, speaks like or moves like that would suggest that she is severely depressed rather than saying it outright?

Hope this helps,

Jas

I find this poem very deep, and very moving. I really like it. Sorry Jasmine Hart, but I don't agree with you.
I like how you don't say anything about who the speaker is, that way it can refer to anyone. We at least know you are referring to a girl because he is the one breaking you. I do like the love is at the beginning, but maybe it would be nice if you start anew verse when you stop using it? It was kinda sudden ending of using 'love is.'

Hmmm... apart from that I really like your poem, and there is one thing I agree with Jasmine Hart on, your last line is your best!

Deanie

Harro, Bloodblackrose ^-^
I’ve seen your replies to other people, so I thought I check your work out.


I

Spoiler

effing

loved this. I reading the first few lines, I was like, “Oh, one of these death-lover poems again?” But I figured out, after finishing it, that it was breathtaking.
I can relate to the feeling of having such love for someone that it hurts. And that love in and of its self can be so painful to bear that it feels like your heart is being crushed.
Lol It kinda reminds me of Flyleaf’s song, Tiny Heart.
She says something about her heart grieving in his hand, and how he crushes her when he turns away. (I can’t recall)
Anyways, let’s review:
I think, in my opinion, that this is not particularly necessary, BUT. . . .


If you added the word “and” between some verses, like so:
Love is fake, false, and full of lies
Love is pain, hurt, and agonizing screams
Love is being alone, dreaming for daylight, and sobbing (relentlessly? Or another word, whatever you choose)

BUT THAT’S JUST A SUGGESTION! Lol I only want to give an opinion, I don’t want to tell you how to white your OWN work lol so don’t get me wrong.

Love is believing in someone who is shallow and full of acid

And I think that apply that to all love is kind of personal, I like it, though. ^-^

[quote]Love is being broken, consumed by the black abyss
Stuck in the void
Despairingly, hopelessly, and hollow and empty
Happiness is a lie (I love this line)
Being together only brings the tears, creates the cuts
The dull sense of hope is crushed when he breaks you
You try to loathe him, hate him
But all you want to do is kiss, hug, hold him
So.
Not knowing what else to do
You cry.
Until your heart bleeds dry.[/quote]
(I love that ending)

Its legend ^-^

Charade-- <3

Not so much with this; this is a pretty jaded view of love.

Completely and totally unrelatable and untouchable. Bordering unapproachable.

bloodyblackrose wrote:Love is fake, false, full of lies
Love is pain, hurt, agonizing screams
Love is being alone, dreaming for daylight, sobbing
Love is believing in someone who is shallow and full of acid
Love is being broken, consumed by the black abyss

Same, same, same, same, same. Grate the cheese against blade more, why don't you? This is just slamming your head against the wall over and over in frustration.

MY honest advice for the speaker? Go find someone and get into a relationship. Try it before you knock it. IT won't just hit off and be happy magic land of adventurous wonder (unless you figure that's what sex is and all of the perks of sharing your world with someone else, and vice versa).

Stuck in the void
Despairingly, hopelessly, hollow and empty
Happiness is a lie
Being together only brings the tears, creates the cuts
The dull sense of hope is crushed when he breaks you
You try to loathe him, hate him
But all you want to do is kiss, hug, hold him
So.
Not knowing what else to do
You cry.
Until your heart bleeds dry.

Where do I relate with this?

I could tell you that your syllables, your rhythm, your meter, your technical aspects of poetry are all eschewed to nothing here. Mkay. That can all be changed fairly easily if we can figure out how to present our poem in a way that is approachable to your reader, that makes them feel the pain you so ardently try to depict here, but in reality just get more and more emo. Make me reflect on my own decisions. Make me regret my past mistakes again, before I feel I've learned here and move on with my life after reading this; you need to figure out why people will come back to writing again and again in their lives.

It's like love. We just can't quit it once it snags us.


And your title.