Our Every Tear

Okay, so a lot of people were saying there were too many commas, periods, ect. So I went ahead and erased all of them to see if that would help. I saw no way to just eliminate some, so I did away with all. Lemme know what you think!

The stone glints cold and grey
On the front her birthday
Is engraved into rock
But one number seems to mock

A small twenty-eight
Marks the day of a dreadful fate
When her soul moved on
She's gone

We pray for her soul
Hoping she won't pay Hell's toll
Leaving her body to the Earth
She goes on to Heaven's rebirth

We remain behind
Lost in a state of mind
Grieving
Because of a thieving

A life stolen in the night
She tried to fight
She clung to life
But it was severed by Death's knife

Now she resides with God
On golden streets she'll trod
She's no longer with us here
For her, we shed our every tear

Hello! I really liked this poem. The rhyming and flow were very nice. It was sad but emotion is what makes for a good poem, no? A few very small things:

1.

On the front her birthday

I feel like this would fit the flow better if you added "Is", On the front Is her birthday.

2.

Grieving

To me this looks and feels kind of out of place. Add, perhaps, "We are" in front? I don't know,it's up to you.

3.

She clung to life.
But it was severed by Death's knife.

A comma after life, Am I old fashioned for saying you can't start a sentence with "But"? Probably, but I'd avoid it anyway.

I think thats it. This poem is lovely, even though it is sad. The rhyme and flow are nice and for the most part your punctuation is spot on. Well done. Keep writing and I'm sorry for your loss. <3
Emot.

This poem shows what poetry is all about...turning something sad into something beautiful. Nice work.
The only nitpick I have is this:

On the front is her birthday
Is engraved into rock,

This didn't make much sense to me. Probably a typo. Here's my suggestion on how to fix it:

On the front is her birthday
Engraved deep into the rock,

Hope this review helps! Keep writing!

Hey, Boo here!

I liked your poem. I only have a few suggestions.

1.) Try some stanzas

2.) You put A LOT of grammar in your poem. Periods and commas EVERYWHERE. Its hard to read when you have to breath every few seconds while reading it!

3.) Play with your words, some lines sound forced.

Heres a line that I didn't like...

Grieving
Because of a thieving. A thieving is the only thing here that bothers me. It seems like you just put it here to rhyme. Killing some one doesn't really seem to fit killing some one...
A life stolen in the night.
She tried to fight.

But it was severed by Death's knife.

I really liked that line!

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo

So Hello! I'm Demoness and I've brought all my spiders so that I can give you a review of my best ability!

So I'll begin with the things that could be improved!
- Personally, I think this text should be divided into stanzas. It makes it easier to read and also it helps the flow.
- Also, mostly I have to ask people to ADD commas and dots and stuff but here I actually think that you've used too many. They seem to be everywhere and it makes the flow cut off and a bit choppy so maybe look that over once more
- "On the front her birthday" I had to read this line several times before I realized what you meant... I like the content of this but maybe reverse it a bit and write it differently... ^^
- Third. "Thieving" I feel like that word is a bit off, I get that you wanted it to rhyme with grieving but it just seem forced so if I were you I'd try finding something else to replace that word

So, now I'll wander off to what I liked about this!
- It was touching, it was written in a way that made me feel sad and helpless and yet it was sweet and beautiful somehow. I say "If it makes you feel, then it's real!" So this is real, and this is good!
- The beginning! You immidiately make us realize that this is a poem about someone who's passed away but you make it in a mysterious and original way! LIKE IT!

So overall this was a beautifully written poem that I enjoyed reading so it'll get 3½/5 icky, sticky spiders!

Hope I could be of help!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness