Empty Spaces

Please Read The Author's Note Below!

Spoiler

There are two versions of this poem, both of which are posted here. The first does not rhyme; that's the original. The second I attempted to rhyme and I'm not sure it worked out so well. So, this isn't one long poem; it's two versions of one. I'd appreciate criticism on either.

V1

You pass them on the street.
You barely notice their presence.
They don't matter.

You really don't care
If one's looking sad.
You don't even notice
If they smile or laugh.
In an endless sea of faces,
They are nameless.

You pass them on the street.
This time, you think you've
Seen them before.
They still don't matter.

Months go by,
And you're still walking
The self-same street.
And they're still there.
Still nameless.
Still faceless.

You're walking down that street
And though you search,
You cannot find them.
They're not there.
In the endless see of faces,
All you see is empty spaces.

And you realize: you care.
But it doesn't matter now.
They will not walk these streets again.
Over time, you forget them.
They don't matter.

You wonder if anyone else notices,
But you're too anxious to ask.
The people around you
Are the same as them.
They are nameless,
They don't matter.

Somewhere across town,
A woman is crying because
They're not there.
But she is.
And you are.
You forget them;
They don't matter.
She will never let them go.

And in the endless sea of faces,
You still see only empty spaces.

V2

You pass them on the street.
You barely notice their presence;
You're staring at your feet.
They don't matter.

You don't really care
If one's looking dejected.
It doesn't matter to you;
You're not effected.

In the endless sea of faces,
Your eyes find empty spaces.

You pass them on the street.
This time, you take
Your eyes off the concrete
And think you've seen them before.

It doesn't matter either way.
You will not pause to talk.
You will simply keep on going,
Engrossed in your own walk.

In the endless sea of faces,
Your eyes find empty spaces.

You're walking down the same street.
And they're not there.
You look, trying to be discrete
But even then you cannot find them.

You wonder if anyone else notices.
But you're too anxious to ask.
People flood and flock around you,
focussed on their own task.

These people are the same as them.
They are nameless,
They are faceless.
They don't matter.

And in the endless sea of faces,
You still see only empty spaces.

I like it. I think I prefer the first, as some of the rhymes, well, I don't know. Rhyme without meter is more difficult to appreciate, not to criticize your rhymes. They aren't too bad. I just didn't see much that they contributed to the poem. I think it has a lot more weight without the distraction of the rhymes.

Also, some parts are kind of choppy. "you forget them, they don't matter," "she never will." is pretty choppy. Try adding some transition words, to smooth it out some. I love the premise. I'd like to see some more decription of the people the narrator doesn't care about, though. What do they look like? what do they do? What happened to them that they died adn their (mother?) misses them? Are they homeless, poor, or just regular passersby, who died? I love the premise. Just add a little to make it its best.

I must say I prefered the first version of your poem. I think the rhyming the second version diluted the tone and made it harder to understand. In general, the first one just felt stronger to me.
Anyway, I really liked the premise and the bluntness of your word choices. As the person above me pointed out though, I think you should add more physical descriptions of the passerbys. However, I don't think you should add an explanation of what happened to them. The narrator is never going to know why they disappeared, so why should the reader? I think you should leave that part as it is and not fill the reader in. But that's just my opinion.
Overall, I really liked your poem. Sorry I couldn't offer up more critique!

Hellooo xoCairo!!
Me here to review your pieces here! (obviously XD) Okay so I want to start off with saying that I like the first version better. I think it's because it has more details than the second version. It also seems to read easier than the second one.
The second version does have a great rhyme so congratulations on that! But I still like the first version better though XD
So I'm going to review the first version for you.

I really like this poem and I like the idea behind it! You worked it out great. I like the words you used in this and couldn't find any grammar errors, so congratulations on that too! XD There's actually nothing I would change either Oo. I just really like it! XD

I hope this review helped a little and please forgive me if it didn't XD *clicks like*
Great work!
-qaralynn-

Heya! The Demoness and all her spiders is here to give you an opinion on this piece!
So.. I like the structure in the last poem better since it flows better and the rythm was good. Yet I prefer the content in the second one since it was more detailed and more interesting to read

- So the first poem is the one I would go with but maybe edit the structure a bit or aid the flow in some other way You've used great punctuation and I like the story you're telling! It's really quite sad if you think of how many people you pass by everyday that you don't really notice and even if you would notice a happy face you wouldn't care why there was a smile on their face... and if you saw someone crying you wouldn't take the time to ask why.
Overall! Nice job, I give you 3½/5 spiders!


Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I like this, though the first is best in my opinion. I really love how you described them, nameless and faceless, and repeatedly say they don't matter, yet by the end of the poem I had grown attatched to them and wanted more! I guess it was by the way you described the woman crying. And the second wasn't bad, it just felt more forced, and your rhyming pattern didn't feel consistent. But, just wanted to say good job and keep it up!