Chapter 3: Suberbia

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Chapter 3: Superbia
Viewpoint: Riley


What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear your name? Do you hope it is person you love calling out to you? Your best friend? Parents? For me, when I hear my name I don't care who it is as long as it's for a good reason. That is rarely the case.

"Riley." Lucas said leaning over his desk towards me.

"What." I responded not even turning to make eye contact.

I adjusted myself in the desk that was much to small for me. I'm not a big guy but the desk was really small and would pinch when I moved too much. It was a pain.

"What is wrong with you? You have just been sitting and staring since class started." Lucas looked back to the front, the teacher was leaning back in his chair, asleep, again.

"I have a lot on my mind. What do you need?" I said turning towards him with a rather annoyed look on my face. I winched.

"Maybe now isn't the best time." He said reluctantly, pulling away and back into his desk.

"Dang it, now you have to tell me."

"You wont like it." Lucas said with a almost fearful expression.

"What's new. Just say it." I said in suspense.

"There is a rumor going around that Annabeth cheated on you with some guy named Seth Matheus. I know who he is mainly cause his sister, Veda."

I probably looked like a stone completely frozen with my mouth just barley hanging open. I'd been dating Annabeth for a a few years now, since freshman year. She was the popular type, unlike me, and I treated her as she treated me, like a prize.

"You said it was a rumor, I said desperately, so it's possible it's a lie right?"

"I suppose, but I heard it from Emeth and you know his "never tell a lie" pact thing."

"Stupid. This can't be happening." I said, with no hint of sadness.

"Dude, I know it sucks. I've been cheated on before but you'll get over it." Lucas said, unaware he was not helping.

"Who cares about that. No one else in this school would date me if they knew I had been cheated on." I said, starting to get a little too loud.

"Hey." Lucas said, sounding offended.

"Exactly. My reputation would be ruined.

"Wow, that's a little cold don't you think?"

"Not at all." I took out my cellphone and starting composing a text to Annabeth.

Riley
Hey, after class can we talk?

Annabeth
Sure, we are just about to let out, I need to use the bathroom though so just meet at the second floor bathroom.

Riley
All right, see you there.

I put my phone away and stared at the clock as it slowly creeped toward 11:30. I knew exactly what I was going to say, and if she had cheated on me then I wouldn't break up with her, I'd do the next best thing.

Bring

I got up from my seat faster then anyone else and speed walked out the door. This was a state of emergency. I had to get to her straighten this out and make my next move before my whole reputation was thrown in the trash. Turning to my right as I exited to make my way to the second floor bathroom I ran into an unexpected coincidence.

"Watch where you are going dude." He said, that being the person I had just ran into. Seth Matheus.

"You, I need to talk to you." I said stepping closer to him.

"Riley right? If this is about what happened at Bryan Wilkins party then you should probably talk to her, I've heard the rumors and if anyone needs to tell you about it it should be her." He said his face completely still. His medium length dark brown shaggy hair swept to the right, always reminded me of a emo wannabe prep with his "name brand" clothes but dead personality.

"Why should I wait? Why don't you just tell me?" I wasn't feeling angry but it probably came across as it seeing as a few people seemed to gather around us. Seth noticed too and wasn't enjoying the attention.

"Look" He said, shifting his eyes around the hallway. "She should tell you and if you ask she probably will. It's not much a sercret. This has just got out of hand, all right? I don't want to be involved and I never did."

I was more confused then ever. Seth seems genuine and I was usually a good judge of that. Something defiantly was weird about this and I was more then ready to get to the bottom of it.

"Fine" I replied breathing out. "You're off the hook." I walked passed him and continued down the hall which caused the disappointed crowd to dissolve. As I made my way toward the bathroom I heard the sounds of thunder and the lights flashed on and off in the hallway. A few kids at their lockers look surprised and starting walking toward their next class, probably afraid of the storm or the dark.

"Wait a minute." I said aloud before my brain could catch that no one was around to hear me. My walk changed to a run as the bathroom was in view. A scream filled the hallways. I'd know it anywhere, it was Annabeth. not realizing I even are this much about whether she was okay I ran into the bathroom to see if she was okay.

When I entered the rather disgusting women's bathroom Annabeth was on the ground on her knees.

"Annabeth?" I said and when I did she picked her head up and look right into my eyes. She look terrified. "Are you okay?" I got down on my knees And grabbed her by the shoulders so she would stop shaking. Without a word she started to break down and cry. I took her in my arms in order to comfort her.

"What happened? Are you all right?" Her masquera was running down her cheek so I wiped it away with my sleeve and then onto my pants.

"I saw something" Her voice was shaky and her body was trembling. "It was...it looked like. Me." She said looking down and shaking her head as if it couldn't be true.

"It's a mirror. That's what it's supposed to do." I said in a smartalek tone. "You probably just got scared cause of the lights. A storm rolled in so the lights have been flickering a little. I know you are afraid of the dark."

Annabeth grabbed hold of me to pick herself up off the ground.

"You're right. It must have just been my imagination. Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure." I said with little confidence.

"Don't tell anyone about this?" She asked looking at me with her blistering green eyes.

"About what?" I replied with a smirk. She fell in to hug me and I hugged her back. I had almost forgotten about why I had come down herein the first place. I didn't have much time to remember either. We walked out of the bathroom with Annabeth attached to my arm.

"Annabeth, are you okay?" We looked up at the same time to see Lydia and Jake standing at the corner of the hallway and making their way toward us. Perfect.

"I'm just fine." Annabeth snapped, hiding her fear, her arms were shaking again and I let go in order to keep her from shaking my whole body.

"What's going on Riley?" Jake said after a strange moment of quiet.

"It's nothing really. We should head to lunch." I said giving Jake a look so he'd understand to back off.

"I thought I heard you scream." Lydia said sounding pretty worried.

"Well, I didn't okay?" Annabeth said raising the tone of her voice even higher.

"Listen Annabeth." Lydia was in one place one second and almost onto of Annabeth the next backing her into the pale colored wall. "Stop talking to me like I am your dog. Stop treating me like I am disposable in public. I am DONE with your attitude." Lydia slammed the wall with her palm to in force her statement.

"Wow Lydia." Jake said rushing over to pull her away from Annabeth. I stepped in-between them in case she tried again. Jake gave me a look that said "I'll talk to her" and dragged her into the closet down the hall to straighten her out.

Annabeth, who was still against the wall just let herself slide down until she hit the ground. She used her hands to prop up her head and closed her eyes. I sat down in front of and moved her arms.

"What was that about?" I smiled.

"This is not funny. First Byran Wilkins party, now this? That girl needs help." She said seriously.

"Speaking of Bryan Wilkins party that is why I called you down here." I said adjusting my attitude for a serious talk. Just then the closet door opened and Lydia walked out, turned to look at us, then ran away.

"Let's go somewhere else. The gym?" Annabeth proposed.

"We should head to lunch with everyone else." I said hoping she would disagree.

"To the gym then." She said as we stood up. She tried to take my hand but I brushed her off.

"Not right now." I said as her face changed back to that look I was so used too, disappointment. We walked down the hallway completely silent as I started to contemplate what I would do.

If she was honest and didn't cheat then I would keep being her boyfriend, until Senior year at least. If she cheated, then I would have to protect my reputation and do what needed to be done in order to keep it. I'd have to cheat on her.



Check out the other chapters!

Chapter 1 - Irritum

Chapter 2 - Animositas

Chapter 3 - Superbia

Chapter 4 - Avaritia[Currently not posted to YWS, continue to the next Chapter won't cause too much confusion]

Chapter 5 - May Traverse

Chapter 6 - Sorocos

Chapter 7 - Suspension
Last edited by Derek on Sun Oct 09, 2011 4:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Very creative writing! In my opinion though there should be a little more description of what's happening outside the dialogue. It would enhance the story even more. Riley's the kind of character I could relate to(except I really don't have a reputation to be ruined), and it's nice to see that in a story. The only real problem I see in it is that you sometimes forget to end the dialogue with a quotation mark. Another thing is:
Riley
Hey, after class can we talk?

Annabeth
Sure, we are just about to let out, I need to use the bathroom though so just meet at the second floor bathroom.

Riley
All right, see you there.


Unless this is a chapter in progress you shouldn't have who's speaking written above the dialogue. I would put it at the end or beginning of the sentence containing the dialogue. It would make the story look more well written overall

Hope my review helped.
Sorry doesn't get my sprinkles on the right, now does it?




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The dialoge needs a little working on. I LOVE it though :) great job!!
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'

'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well.
With a dreamy far off look.
And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me




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I'm baaaack! :3



What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear your name? Do you hope it is person you love calling out to you? Your best friend? Parents? For me, when I hear my name I don't care who it is as long as it's for a good reason. That is rarely the case.


I like where this is going as your opener, but a couple things I notice: 1) I'm not sure I like the singling-out the reader. The "you" basically. It's probably personal preference though. 2) I'm not sure it quite answered the question as well as it should. Again, that's probably just me.

So overall comments again!

When I read this chapter, I thought it was finally a continuation of the story until about halfway through when I recognized the dialogue. When replaying scenes, the reader can get uninterested very easily, so it's up to you to keep things interesting and unique. Also, using these multiple-perspectives actually makes it extremely easy to show character personalities. Unfortunately, I'm still not getting the distinction very well. I'm getting very, very vague ideas of who they are; but it's a lot of telling, and I'm being told who's popular and who's not. Try getting into the characters' thoughts more, make it a bit more personal and relatable to the POV character. This way, the reader will actually develop a preference or favorite, and that's a good thing!

Only one other comment that I had, and that's what graaaade they're in. Riley mentioned he and Annabeth were going out for a few years -- since freshman year. This implies that they're in senior year at least (few being more than two/couple). But they're not in senior year. Also, is Riley stupid? XD She cheats on him, so he's going to cheat on her? To protect a reputation. This is either stupid and/or his character. If it is in character for him to get extremely selfish and possessive, then I'd like to see a lot more of that in this chapter. That's a quality that should be very apparent to the reader! And you can apply that to the other chapters/characters.

Anyhow, moooving on! 8D I can't wait 'til I find out what this storm's brewing up!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.



I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest