Disclaimer: The following piece contains strong language and retarded humor, so if you're shy on either account, I advice clicking away from the page immediately. If you intend to read regardless of my warnings, well, you have been warned. (Oh, and I might have just outdone my stupid humor on this one; it was 2 am when I finished it, so no wonders there.)
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Spoiler
Re-cap: Josh was whisked off into the world of Mario & Co. through means unsure to even himself. There he met up with Princess Peach, or rather dropped her a visit, who thought he was Mario. She then proceeded to invite Josh into her bed to celebrate her 18th birthday. They were interrupted by Peach's formal coming-of-age feast and we left Josh climbing down from Peach's tower.
No wonder princesses are always so trim and slim. I stopped counting the steps after lucky number 2,302. Sweat poured down my back and my throat was dry as a demon's conscience once I reached the last step. My legs gave out from underneath me as my foot cleared that last damned elevated foothold and I fell to my knees on a lush red carpet, panting in exhaustion. On that holy second I decided that I would never become a princess.
”It's... it's not worth it,” I panted out loud. I sat down, catching my breath and entertained myself by poking at my numb leg. By miracle, I got bored of it and instead watched a sconce sputter out first blue flames, then red, then green, then blue again. Around and around the cycle went. After a couple of minutes I figured it was time to move again. The sconce was now spitting out a shade of turqiouse if you're interested.
My legs didn't really agree with me though. They wobbled and flapped around like a twin set of headless chickens. I kicked the wall, hard, and they decided that it was safer to do what the lunatic wanted them to do. I was more than fine with that.
”Time to continue my journey to the party and to my awaiting pr-- what? Aaargh!” Something squishy and stubby hit my knees and I fell over said squishy-stubby-object with a somersault. It felt cool until my face hit the ground. It didn't hurt, but the humiliation was enough to cause me to jump onto my feet and spin to confront the assaulting object. I brought my leg back, ready to kick it, but then the object looked up at me with giant black eyes.
”Are we lost as well as clumsy?” And then as if as an afterthought, it added, ”Sir.”
How someone with such a squeaky voice could make a comment sound so dry was beyond me. I'm ashamed to say that the speaking mushroom never got its answer though, as I yelled something highly primitive and knocked the thing off its leg-resembling stumps. I ran around the first bend in the hallway, blood pounding in my ears. Carefully, I edged to the corner and peeked around it.
Horrified, I watched the green-and-white mushroom get up and brush itself; it seemed to be muttering something to a dead opposum on a stick. Umm... Yeah. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. I believe I'm correct in asuming it was pissed off. I had no intention to find out what it would do, so I turned away from the corner. Damn games. Talking mushrooms, sheesh. Now we were only missing good old Bowser and his minions. With the way things were turning out, I had no doubt I would be graced with his presence before the day was out. I turned back to the corner, though, as snippets of what it was saying drifted to my ears. After all, even if curiosity kills the cat, it still has eight lives left, right?
”Jus' helping... No manners... -uckhead... in a hole... sideways... Yes!” The mushroom was grinning wildly at the end of its monologue, waving the oppossum around, the limp tail trailing behind comically. The squeaky voice rose to a shrill shout. ”Yes! You'll gnaw him dead-dead from the inside! Enter through butt-butt and work way up!” The mushroom danced in a circle as my eyebrows shot up. What the...
Unerringly, the opposum pointed at me. A wicked gleam was in those black-black - agh, don't mind me, lunacy is extremely contagious. Black eyes. Black. Just... Black.
”Cornelius is gonna get ya! Kjeh, kjeh... Die, freak, die!”
The laughing maniac rushed at me, holding the 'posum-on-stick like a lance. Yeah, me the freak. Kettle and pot. I was already running as the thought registered.
The first sharp turn caught me by surprise and I crashed head-long into the far wall. This time, I was ready for the shocking experience of feeling no pain and was up and running the first instance I got. So this is what Super Man feels like, I thought as I ran down the twisting corridor, looking for doors, side passages - anything really – but no such luck was possible apparently.
Crazed laughter pursued me, forcing more and more adrenaline into my bloodstream. The adrenaline thankfully took my mind off my screaming thighs; otherwise, I'm not so sure I would've been able to make it. The manic mushroom's small, stubby feet were giving off the acoustic equivalent of a giant's stomping stride, and I could have sworn that thing was right behind me. My ears could just pick up the faint noises from up ahead. The raised voices and cheery music grew steadily – if slowly – louder. The party. I would be safe there.
I put on an extra burst of speed, forcing myself onwards. Around a corner, straight for twenty meters, another corner, fourty meters, corner, five meters, corner... My mind processed the information as I fled Cornelious and his devil-'possum.
I don't know why I had my hands in front of me, but I'm glad I did. As I turned the final corner, the door was just a meter away from the bend, effectively neutralizing my head-long charge.
Drunken laughter and sloshing wine curled through the crack between the door and the floor, loud enough to be a threat to my ears. That's one helluva party going on in there, I thought, It'll be easy to slip in unnoticed. I put my fingers to my ears and tried to open the door, realized I needed a hand to do so, opened it as quickly as possible, and returned said hand back to cover my poor ear. I stepped into Princess Peach's dining room.
I took a double-take. Set out in front of me were two long tables – and when I say long, I mean football long – surrounded by four long benches. On these benches sat hundreds upon hundreds of mushroom freaks; they're faces were grim and they ate with clinical precision, one bite after another in a steady rhythym.
There was no huge feast, there wasn't even any booze. Just water and some mush that, just by looking at it, forced the lunch I never had into my mouth. On a stool in the middle of the vast dining room, there was a pink stereo system that gushed out the vocal equivalent of a damn good party. Following my interruption, all of the mushrooms put down their forks with a uniformal clack and turned their heads in order to drill those morbid eyes deep into my soul.
I forced a grin onto my face. ”Wow, it really is loud in here! You, with that retarded spot on your head, are you having a good time? 'Cause I just got here and I'm like-” I mimicked being very happy and very drunk – very badly, if you went by their faces. Ach, tough crowd. The tape in the stereo system must've run out, as the party stopped with a final click. An extremely awkward silence ensued.
I tried to set my mind aside from the awkwardness by looking at the impressive banners all around, which bore the face of Peach along with an assortment of important looking mushrooms. In a room that big there was space for a lot of things, but it seemed they had used it all up with the banners. Well almost all of it. A few statues vaguely resembling Peach were loitering at odd spots around the dining hall as well. But mostly banners. Highly awkward banners... A voice boomed out, blissfully shattering the awkwardness of both banners and silence alike.
”We have awaited your arrival, oh hero.”
The royal pronouncment was heralded by a tone-dead voice, overflowing with authority. Once again, I was at a loss concerning how such a vocal feat was possible. You'll just have to trust me on this one, folks.
I searched for the speaker, finally deciding it had to be the golden-skinned – or peeled, which ever one you fancy – mushroom sitting on a dais on the other side of the hall.
”Yeah... sorry 'bout that. I had an, ah, misunderstanding and it is the reason for my lateness,” I said, opting for a sense of formality.
The gold-skinned/peeled mushroom waved its hand in royal dismission. ”It is only understandable, you are a hero after all. A hero has a lot of duties, like sleeping and messing around with service women.” The King of All Mushrooms Here and Yonder laughed at his own joke. No, let me re-phrase that. He opened his mouth and literally said, ”Ha, ha, haa.”.
The assortment of fungi answered with their own hahaa's, more or less with the same tone.
I just stood there, blinking. What..? How..? Just... Huh?
”Come here, my good friend, and take your seat next to my beautiful daughter. Let the feast continue.”
I walked through a sea of scathing boredom, the mushrooms' eyes following my progress down the aisle. I was sweating harder than an actual football player, sweat dripping into my eyes as I put one foot in front of the other. I stared straight ahead to avoid the stares, but it wasn't really working. You know the feeling when you walk down an aisle in between all the students of your school? Good.
Now imagine knowing that those peoples' gazes most probably wouldn't change if you dropped dead. Imagine that the silence would be literally suffocating; imagine wading through that bored, indifferent silence feeling naked and small. Small everywhere. Especially down there. That was pretty much how I felt. Oh, and don't forget confused shitless.
I reached the first step leading to the dias and recieved an encouraging wink from Peach herself. She was wearing a blue velvet gown which left next to nothing to imagination – and I have a damn good imagination, mind you. Encouraged by her encouraging wink I took the following stair with a spring in my step, followed by another, and another, and a god-awful rumble that reached its crashing crescendo as the ceiling caved in on its occupants.
I expertly dodged the first bit of falling brick and ran for the cover of a nearby alcove. I slid under another piece of ceiling as it crashed down, rolling onto my feet without missing a stride. Remembering that pain wasn't an obstacle for me any longer, I smashed the next block to come flying my way with my bare hand. As I neared the alcove I noticed Peach hadn't made it to cover yet, and was standing in shock admist the ungodly rain. Biting back a curse, I rushed to her side, the ceiling pieces dodging me now. It seemed they had learned their lesson. Just as well. I grabbed Peach and walked back towards safety in slow-motion with the frail Princess draped over my arms, the ceiling smashing everything around me.
I think I was in the second rotation of my epic triple-backflip over an enemy with a Gatling Gun when a score of mushrooms lifted the heavy piece of stone from atop my prone form. I coughed the dust from my lungs and breathed in, drawing in more dust, thus starting the cycle all over again. King Toadstool came to my side and asked me how I was feeling. I told him to go screw a goat-mushroom, which he found most amusing.
”King. King.” Someone was tugging on the King's sleeve. It pulled King Toadstool to the side and they held a whispered conversation. I spat into – onto, into, whatever – the dusty ground and sat up in my bed of destruction for the second time that day. At least it wasn't me who wrecked the ceiling this time. The King was walking back. It cleared its throat audibly, the broken acoustics of the hall carrying its guttural exclamation far. All heads turned to it.
”It seems Princess Peach has been kidnapped again.”
All the mushrooms just looked at their King. The King lifted up its hands and then frowned, realizing they weren't holding anything. It dug around the rubble and pulled out a white stone slab. Grunting in satisfaction, it polished the tablet a little. Then, it turned back to its subjects and flipped up the sign with triumph. On it was a single bolded word in black: PANIC. On cue, all the mushrooms threw up their hands and started screaming and running around aimlessley.
I watched, stupified, as one of the mushrooms wailed at the top of its lungs and repeatedly struck a wall with its capped head. Another splashed around in a fountain I had missed before, trying to drown itself in a pool of three centimeters' depth, while a third clutched at the flying banners of Peach's castle that hung from the demolished ceiling, dry-humping them in fits of panic.
”Okay. I fucking quit. I quit. This is just... Fuck this. Fuck it well and truly. I'm out of this nut-ville,” I declared and marched towards the doors hopefully leading to the courtyard. The screeching mushrooms climbed on top of each other to form a wailing wall of insurpassable measure right in front of the doors while King Toadstool yelled after me.
”Mario, don't leave! We need you! You're our only hope! Please, I'm begging you!” It seemed the King, too, had followed the order on the white tablet.
I turned around to face the King to find it on its knees, crying uncontrollably. This just fueled my rage further. ”First off, my name isn't Mario, it's Josh. Second off, you guys are goddamn crazy. Lastly, and finally, I have no damn clue of how I'd bring her back anyway!”
”Please,” the King grovelled, ”Please, Mario, please.”
”I. Am. Not. Mario. Dammit!” I screamed. ”Screw screwing Peach, screw the feast, screw your pleas! I want back. I am going back! I won't stand with this bullshit, and you, stop dry-humping the damn banner! That's just plain wrong. No, just stop! No, I didn't mean dry-hump her statue instead! Goddamnit! Aargh!”
I whirled on King Toadstool. ”Will these imbeciles stop doing this if I save Peach. Will they?”
A spark of hope was born in the aged mushroom's face. ”Yes, they will.”
I closed my eyes and cursed everything around me, fuming over my rotten luck. I bit my next words through gritted teeth. ”Fine. I'll save Peach. Just point me the way and I'll go now.”
The King clutched at the hem of my shirt, sobbing and panting. ”Thank you, Mario, thank you, thank you.”
I slapped it away. ”Which way, nitwit?”
”My son will show you the way. He'll be your guide in all this. If you'll have him.”
”Just as long as his name isn't Cornelius,” I said grimly.
The King looked at me askew through sunken eyes. ”No, his name is Tick.”
”Well tell him to meet me at the front gates then. I'll wait for him there for exactly fifteen minutes until I leave. You got that? Fifteen exactly.”
”Yes, yes. Thank you for this, Mario, truly, thank you, my old friend,” King Toadstool said, wiping its eyes.
I didn't bother answering. I waded through the panicing mushrooms, kicking them viciously if they came in the way. No, thank you for this dashing offer, your damn highness, I thought as I kicked a mushroom out of my way. It got up, flailing its arms all over the place and continued running aimlessly. I shook my head. If I don't get Peach into bed after all this... whatever the damn this all is, I'm going to murder someone. Or something, I thought darkly as I tripped over the last mushroom in line.
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