Two men were drinking in a bar when one man passed out on his barstool. The other man turned to the bartender and said, "Thing about Bill - he knows when to stop." __________
Q: What's blue and fuzzy? A: Blue fuzz. __________
Q: What do a bicycle and a duck have in common? A: Both have handlebars, except for the duck. __________
Q: Why did the monkey fall off the tree? A: It was dead. __________
A woman goes on vacation and leaves her husband in charge of their dog Spot and their cat Snowy. After a few days she calls back and asks how Spot is doing. "The dog's dead," says her husband. After a moment of stunned silence, the woman says, "You can't just go and tell me that our dog is dead! You could have said, 'Oh, the dog's on the roof. He'll be fine.' Then a few days later you could have called back and said, 'The dog fell off the roof. He's not doing too well.' And then, the next day: 'Honey, the dog died.' Well. On a brighter note, how's Snowy doing?" "He's on the roof." __________
Little Billy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Billy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Billy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Billy, of course, thought he did. Billy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Billy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Billy
Billy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Billy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Billy
Billy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Billy
Billy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Billy
Billy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Billy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Billy's mother thought her plan had worked because Billy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Billy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Billy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
Three bikers walk into a breakfast diner. They see an old man eating pancakes at the front counter. The first uses the plate as an ash tray. The second spits in his food. The third throws the plate on the ground. While they laugh, the old man stomps out of the diner.
"Not much of a man, was he," says the first. "Yeah, he should have stayed and fought." "Not much of a drive either," says the clerk, "He just ran over three bikes with his truck."
If words are just letters put together, why do we decide on what they mean?
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published.
A blonde, a brunette and a red-head go into an antique store. The antique store owner shows them a large, ornate mirror and says it's a magic mirror: Those who speak the truth to the mirror will get their heart's desire, but those who don't, disappear. The red-head pushes to the front and stands in front of the mirror. "I'm the most beautiful person in the whole world," she says proudly, and disappears. The brunette decides to try and stands in front of the mirror. "I'm the most beautiful person in the whole world," she says, and she also disappears. The blonde cautiously steps up to the mirror and says, "I think-" And she disappears.
Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it! Wanna change the world? There's nothing to it.
