Savory

Screw logic, I have black hair.

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Her fingers danced upon the keys of the keyboard, the reflection of the screen in the lenses of her glasses. Beneath the black wire came salty tears, running down her cheeks. Her face was flushed, her jaw clenched as she typed furiously. She let out a small sob as her eyes read the next few words that appeared on the screen, wiping away her tears with the her wrist.

“Fuck you,” she gasped, shaking her head and shoving the laptop from her lap. She tossed aside her headphones, shutting her eyes as tightly as she could. Why were her friends always so frustrating?

She faintly heard their yelling come from her headphones but didn't bother listening. Why listen to her supposed friends tell her to grow up? It wasn't exactly encouraging.

She gasped and hit her head against the wall at the sound of a bang and a shriek come from her living room. It was followed by a cry of her name, shooting a chill down her spine. She whipped her head to the hallway, her golden hair flying by her crystal eyes. More banging pierced the air along with howls of pain, allowing her to finally snap out of it.

Trembling, she hopped up from her bed and ran to the living room. She was greeted with the sight of a burly man pointing his pistol at her brother curled in a ball on the floor. She slapped her hand over her mouth, letting out a few muffled sobs as she saw the pool of blood surrounding him.

“J-Je... ssie...” She shook her head and spun around, running to her room after hearing her brother choke out her name. She raced up the polished, hardwood steps, hearing stomping come in her direction. She felt bullets race down her forehead and neck as she let out pants, focused on getting to her room. She finally made it up the never-ending staircase, yelping and sobbing as gunfire slammed against her ear drums. She ignored the intense pain in her leg and side, rushing to her room. She slammed the cheap pine door, locking it and stumbling to her window.

Her shaky hands threw aside the heavy curtain, fiddling with the window locks. Her crazed eyes watched as she finally shoved open her window, lungs forcing out air. She gasped and jumped when she heard pounding against her door, letting out cries of help as she tried lifting the screen up. It hadn't been open in years, though, so it took a while. Unfortunately, it was a bit too late when she finally got it to budge. She let out a pain-filled cry, her legs going weak and her body turning over to face the man.

He looked foreign, but she couldn't exactly tell- her vision was blurring, and tears were pouring out like a faucet. She could tell the bored expression on his face, though, as he lifted the barrel of the gun at her. She tilted her head to the side, her mouth agape. No words could form, though, as she saw the bewildered expressions of her friends on the screen. Her face contorted into disgust as she met their horrified gazes, feeling blood trickle from the side of her mouth.

“I'm sorry,” she forced out, her eyes instantly widening as a fifth bullet pierced her skull. She was unable to hear the screams of her friends or see them freeze.

She wasn't able to see the man slam her laptop close... She was unable to feel his hands on her as he searched for anything important... She was unable to keep herself from falling to the floor, her blood pouring out from her wounds and staining the bleached carpet with a metallic red.

She was unable to keep her eyelids from shutting as the world quickly faded out, her eyes flashing before her eyes.

hi there! just wanted to say, wow, this is some seriously good writing here!

The pace and flow of the writing is so lovely and so eye catching that I couldn't stop reading! Your use of language is impeccable and the description is marvellous!

A couple of things I would say though;

I was a little confused as to why this man was shooting at her and her brother. Was it just a robbery? Or was the man an old enemy or something? I know the girl in this situation wouldn't be thinking about that sort of stuff, but for us as readers, perhaps it would help us to know what was going on a little more.

Also, you've said that a fifth bullet pierced her skull, near the end. Does this mean that four other bullets were shot into her skull as she was running up the stairs? This is what it sounds like to me and to be honest, I think one bullet would have been enough to finish her. Four bullets and still standing to face the fifth just sounds a little unlikely to me.

At the beginning, the pace is quite fast; she's annoyed and frustrated with her friends and so that pace and tension carries on as she goes to the living room and sees her dying brother. This continuation of tension is so lyrical and smooth that I (as a reader) almost didn't know what I was reading. Perhaps if you described the peacefulness and the silence before the attack, then maybe the sudden increase in tension when she discovers her brother would be all the more intense and so all the more shocking and grabbing to the reader.

One more thing -

It hadn't been open in years, though, so it took a while. Unfortunately, it was a bit too late when she finally got it to budge.

Although I said I loved the flow of the story and I'm sorry to be contradictory, but this little phrase (in my opinion) disrupts the flow just a little bit. You could take out the 'a bit' in the second sentence and maybe use a shorter word than 'unfortunately', as to keep the suspense running high. Furthermore 'it took a while', implies that it took maybe longer than the few seconds it took the guy with the gun to catch up with her. I don't know, you could just play around with the sentence and see what you get

Overall, I couldn't see any punctuation/grammar/spelling mistakes, so well done and keep writing, because this little piece is very good!

I agree with the above review.

I really enjoyed the description, your word choice and the build up to the girl finding her brother on the floor. The repetition at the end of 'She was unable to' was very effective and made me imagine a slow motion shot of a film. I liked that! There's little to say about the grammar etc., as it seemed perfect on a first read but I have an issue with the plot overall.

As this is in short stories, I assume that this is the entire piece of work: if so, I'm very confused to what happened. The title helps to bring it into perspective a little but it's still very hard to understand what went on. The man doing the shooting seems to be a burglar but the reader doesn't know this for sure. We don't know why the girl is crying or what her friends have said to upset her. The reader knows next to nothing about these characters and it's hard to care for them, even if the girl is portrayed quite realistically.

The ending left me sad, yes but I wasn't sure what the point of it was. The girl and brother die and that was the end. It seems more like a short scene from a novel because generally nothing happened. What the reader sees is an event, but nothing else. From the name and tagline, I think you're trying to make a statement about making the most of time with your loved ones but this isn't reflected in the story.

I think you need to expand the beginning a lot and make the reader really get the meaning of the story. You don't have to say it outright but a few hints at who the man is and the type brother/sister relationship they have would definitely help.

You've got a good style though and I enjoy you description.
Hope I helped!

Hi, this was a great story. However, I'm unsure how the title fits with the actual story itself. Here are a few things I noticed.

She gasped and hit her head against the wall at the sound of a bang and a shriek come from her living room.

Hit her head on the wall? This seemed so out of place because we had no description of where she was sitting before. What happened? It would make sense if she stood and hit her head on a low part of the ceiling, but the wall? Did she fall out of the chair and hit her head sideways?

She felt bullets race down her forehead and neck as she let out pants,

This part I don't get. Do you mean bullets whizzed by her? Or did bullets, as in sweat droplets, run down her head? Also later on, you mention that she is in pain. Is the pain due to being shot or due to her lack of fitness and panic?

Another thing to note is that rarely do criminals kill other people intentionally during a robbery, especially one at a house. Robbers tend to break in when no one is home (during the day when people are at work) and run if anyone catches sight of them. Serial killers/ murderers, are the ones that kill for fun. Also, criminals are humans too. Unless a serial killer, I don't think he would have a look of "boredom" on his face. Maybe worry about the cops or disdain at having to resort to this type of job, but boredom? Does that mean he has kill plenty of times before and is used to it now?

Lastly, I know people don't think clearly when they have a gun pointed at them, but you should probably mention a phone some where. Maybe in her brother's hand as he lay on the ground. Many people will probably ask, why didn't she try to call the police.