Attractions

He knew what he wanted tonight, his new club had just been named the number one club in Chicago and he was planning on celebrating his victory by having the wildest sex he had ever had in his life.
Looking around at all the attractive women in the club he wasnt really all that caught off guard, sure there were hot women out there. There were women loaded down with cosmetic surgeries and women who had obiousally been to more than one implant surgeon, however they were all the same women.
"Hey sexy, what are you drinking?" He was almost knocked off his chair by the smell of Vodka and strong perfume, he turned around. There was blonde with boobs about to spill over her blue thigh length dress and she had applied blue eyeliner with what looked to be with a heavy hand. He didnt want to be rude so he smiled and said he was drinking a whiskey sour.
"A smart drinker huh?" she asked slurring her words, it was apparent this women had one to many drinks.
"Becky, damnit. Im so sorry sir, she keeps disspearing on me." A voice thick with a texas accent said.
He looked and his breath caught in his throat, "Katherine?"
She gave him a look and thin recoginition played across her preety face, "Oh wow Ethan, its so nice to see you." she gave him a hug and he caught a whiff of some nice smelling perfume, desire immedatally hit him in the groin, she had always had that effect on him. A memory of moonlight against soft bare skin came into his mind, they had been 17. She pulled back.
"I heard you started your own club. Congradulations."
"What are you doing in Chicago?" He had to yell over the music.
"I own my own fashion store, I just moved up here about 2 months ago. Then I met Becky and she invited me here, I didnt know Club Paradise was yours."
He smiled and nodded, "It took me about four years, but hell it was worth it."
"Well I really need to be getting her home but we brought her car and I dont feel like staying at her house tonight."
He jumped at the oppurtunity to spend a few minutes longer with her and said, "Well hell I can take ya home."
"Really, that would be nice. I dont want to bother you."
"Its no problem, besides it would give us a chacne to catch up on the good ole days."
She smiled and said, "Great, just let me go get my purse. Can you watch Becky?"
He nodded and watched her go, she was as hot as she had been at 17. Her ass was still perfectally shaped and she still had those full lips he rememberd. God he was going to hell, what would she think if he asked her to celebrate his night?"

Sorry buts thats all i have time for.

This seems good and I'll be interested to see where it leads.
Ok problems, there were a few typos that I noticed which are easy to change. You should put space between paragraphs to make it easier to read because it's just a block of words otherwise.
You make Becky seem almost like a dog or something, like when your character says 'Can you watch Becky?"' i sound as if she is asking him to watch her dog not her friend.
Other that that it's good and as I said before I'll be intersest to see where you go with it.

Congratulations* With a T.

Anyway, it seems pretty good at the moment, but I think it needs that extra something to make it stand out. I really hope you make it worth reading. Aside from that you're doing everything right.

Great work.

AngelBaby88 wrote:He knew what he wanted tonight, his new club had just been named the number one club in Chicago and he was planning on celebrating his victory by having the wildest sex he had ever had in his life. This definitely hooked me in. But you shouldn't be so blantant. Tease the reader with a choice of words. Like this: "by taking a lady back to his apartment and having her in his bed. Preferably tonight."
Looking around at all the attractive Attractive seems cliche and also cut it out if you're talking about women with surgery...in the club he wasnt really all that caught off guard, sure there were hot women out there. There were women loaded down with cosmetic surgeries and women who had obiousally been to more than one implant surgeon, however they were all the same women. All the same women? More explanation please?
"Hey sexy, what are you drinking?" He was almost knocked off his chair by the smell of vodka and strong *cough*cliche alert*cough* Try and do something like "perfume he could swim in" perfume. He turned around. There was a blonde with boobs about to spill over her blue thigh length dress If you're writing from a male point of view, keep in mind that men aren't exactly interested in fashion details. Try this: "a number that was way too short. Plus it matched the clumsily applied eyeliner." and she had applied blue eyeliner with what looked to be with a heavy hand. [s]He didnt want to be rude so [/s]he smiled and said he was drinking a whiskey sour. The last part...DIALOGUE!!!!!!
"A smart drinker huh?" she asked slurring her words,[s] it was apparent this women had one to many drinks.[/s] Try: "she slurred"
"Becky, damnit. Im so sorry sir, she keeps disspearing on me." A voice thick with a texas accent said.
He looked and his breath caught in his throat, "Katherine?"
She gave him a look and [s]thin[/s] recoginition played across her preety face, "Oh wow Ethan, its so nice to see you." she gave him a hug and he caught a whiff of some [s]nice smelling[/s] Boys aren't THAT anti-fashion. Do floral or spicy. perfume, desire immedatally hit him in the groin, she had always had that effect on him. A memory of moonlight against soft bare skin came into his mind, they had been 17. What the last sentence conveys to me is that one slept naked. Try something like "gasps and moans from his memories rang in his ears and his body tingled at the long-lost sensations. She pulled back.
"I heard you started your own club. Congradulations!"
"What are you doing in Chicago?" He had to yell over the music. Uhh, a nightclub=music. Unneccessary phrase.
"I own [s]my own[/s] a fashion store, I just moved up here about 2 months ago. Then I met Becky and she invited me here, I didnt know Club Paradise was yours."
He smiled and nodded, "It took me about four years, but hell it was worth it."
"Well I really need to be getting her home but we brought her car and I dont feel like staying at her house tonight."
He jumped at the oppurtunity to spend a few minutes longer with her and said, "Well hell I can take ya home."
"Really, that would be nice. I dont want to bother you."
"Its no problem, besides it would give us a chacne to catch up on the good ole days."
She smiled and said, "Great, just let me go get my purse. Can you watch Becky?"
He nodded and watched her go, she was as hot as she had been at 17. Her ass was still perfectally [s]shaped[/s] curved and she still had those full lips he remembered kissing. God he was going to hell, what would she think if he asked her to celebrate his night?"

Sorry buts thats all i have time for.

This is a decent story. It's getting to be cliche, but decent. Apart from the ton of spelling and grammar mistakes, you are off to a good start. Just polish it and work on it some more.

It's interesting, pretty good so far. The dialogue is well put, makes sense, but the only problem (for me) is the lack of descriptions.

Such as in this particular part:

He smiled and nodded, "It took me about four years, but hell it was worth it."

"Well I really need to be getting her home but we brought her car and I don't feel like staying at her house tonight."

I think some sort of description or vivid detail is needed in between those two lines. Perhaps some facial expression from the girl? A flicker in the eyes? A small, apologetic simile?

Overall, it's interesting so far. I would definitely want to read on to see what happens next. Good job.

Hey Angel! Rinoa is in your avatar!!! *dances* =D

He knew what he wanted tonight, his new club had just been named the number one club in Chicago and he was planning on celebrating his victory by having the wildest sex he had ever had in his life.

The first comma should be a period. As it is now, it's a run-on.

Looking around at all the attractive women in the club, he wasnt really all that caught off guard[PERIOD. sure, there were hot women out there. There were women loaded down with cosmetic surgeries and women who had obiousally been to more than one implant surgeon[SEMI-COLON OR PERIOD]. [s]however[/s] they were all the same women.

Added some periods and commas where there should be.

"Hey sexy, what are you drinking?" He was almost knocked off his chair by the smell of Vodka and strong perfume, he turned around. There was blonde with boobs about to spill over her blue thigh length dress and she had applied blue eyeliner with what looked to be [s]with[/s] a heavy hand. He didnt want to be rude so he smiled and said he was drinking a whiskey sour

"He was almost knocked off his chair by the smell of vodka and strong perfume. He turned around." No need for a comma, should be a seperate sentence or it's a run-on.
"there was A blonde"

"A smart drinker huh?" she asked slurring her words, it was apparent this women had one to many drinks

"she asked, slurring her words"
"It was apparent..." New sentence here.
And "to" should be "too"

she gave him a hug and he caught a whiff of some nice smelling perfume, desire immedatally hit him in the groin, she had always had that effect on him

Capitalize she. "Desire immediately hit him in the groin. She had always had that effect on him."
You put commas where new sentences should be.

From the beginning: Who is HE? From the start of the story, and then for too long, we read "he", "he", "he". We need to know who this man is, what he lives for, why he's there. At the beginning of the story, somewhere in between describing his joy about the club and his desire for a girl, tell us who he is, however briefly.

Also, I have no idea who this Katherine is as well. She walks into the story, and he knows her, and that's all we know. You need to give her a physical description, need him to remember more about her than she beautiful; have him really lurch with emotion when he sees her. Have you ever seen someone after a long time? Describe the emotions you felt.

Because another thing is emotions. I don't really know how anyone feels, besides Ethan's horniness. You need to add more feeling to the dialogue and the character interactions, really let me see how these characters are feeling about each other, themselves, and their surroundings.

Hope I helped! Thanks for the read!

~ Clo