Imagine

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Don't really know what I was doing with this, just got inspired to write something. Hope you like it.


Imagine

A world of bloody flames
Where trees have smiles as wide as knives,
Where oceans bear their pride in waves and lies,
The grass beneath your feet as black as ash,
Victim of the sky's electric aftermath.

A world of desert lands,
Whose soulless sands devour every boy,
Every sob and every smile of joy,
Every finger, every hand that twitched,
Every nail and every foot that itched.

A world of razor ice,
Whose vice of death is merely just the start,
Where lonely mountains nest a heinous heart,
And even winds that whip the lands of lust,
Get whipped by dagger lightning thrusts.

A world of rising shame,
Where every choice is either save or kill,
And every step a battle of your will,
Where every word which flees your mouth is sin,
Every glance a gnaw at death's own limb.

We do not live in such a world,
But we recognize our wealth endowed,
Only when we fail to stay afloat,
When our leashes and our crowns are chucked,
Only then we realize our luck.
Last edited by danipower0204 on Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:36 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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I really like this poem. I could see the image of this happening. I like your choice of words and the title(it drew me in). Keep it up!(:
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.




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A world of desert lands,
Whose soulless sands devour every boy,
Even those that had no single toy,
Every finger, every hand that twitched,
Every nail and every foot that itched.


Good use of detail and imagery.

Where every word you utter could mean death,
Ever glance and noise prevailing rest.

This was a little iffy both in rhyme and meaning but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Overall, you clearly put a lot of time into this. I could tell you were, as some critics might say, trying to follow a recipe in format and storyline and I commend you for what you have written. Also I understand not every line needed to rhyme, and the fact that you did not try to force a rhyme in some instances also aided the storyline where as in the above quote, I felt that the last line was forced and dare I say added confusion when it comes to interpreting it. However, I would appreciate your clarification before giving a final grade on this although I stand by my review title that it was very good.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky




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Hellu, Je suis le demon du Ess!

Néeh, Hi! I like this poem, great rythm and flow and you truly have some great imagery and descriptions going for you! To say something helpful or less good that would be the occasional forced rhymes. Some of them just didn't seem to bring anything to the poem, mostly they just made a very good line stanza less impressive. Also, a few... and I mean, very few grammatic errors that I'm sure you'll find if you just take a quick second look. Also, I'm not sure if this is an error of if I'm just reading it wrong but on this line;

"Ever glance and noise prevailing rest." don't you mean "every".. ? :D

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost




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Reviews 424
Hellu, Je suis le demon du Ess!

Néeh, Hi! I like this poem, great rythm and flow and you truly have some great imagery and descriptions going for you! To say something helpful or improve-able I say that would be the occasional forced rhymes. Some of them just didn't seem to bring anything to the poem, mostly they just made a very good stanza less impressive. Also, a few... and I mean, very few grammatic errors so that's good! Oh right, now I remeber; I'm not sure if this is an error of if I'm just reading it wrong but on this line;

"Ever glance and noise prevailing rest." don't you mean "every".. ? :D

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost




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I love this! The imagery is amazing, i can picture every word in my head. It's amazing how things can inspire you to write, and what ever inspired you must be great because this poem is amazing.

Keep up the great work :)
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
E. L. Doctorow




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I really enjoyed reading this. Your stanzas are well formed and rhyme scheme has a nice presence.
Your imagery detail is remarkable, really great stuff!.

Whose vice of death is merely just the start,
Where lonely mountains bear a heinous heart,
And even winds that whip the lands of love,
Get whipped by dagger lightning up above.


Really loved this stanza. :D!

Where oceans bear their pride in waves and lies,


'At first I thought that you just used the wrong spelling of 'bear'.
but after reading it with both words context it works either way. I like the way you have it, "oceans carry their pride on waves..."
"oceans uncover their pride on waves..."

Great piece of poetry, I also love that fact that you wrote this out of impulse. That's how I like to write, just get inspired and write whatever comes to mind first. Keep writing!
We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, it's to create something that will.
[Chuck Palahniuk]



You can't choose your parentage. But you can choose your legacy.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus