First let me tell you that this was my first play and a very very basic idea. If you read the plays i will be posting here in the next few months you will realize that I enjoy using hidden meanings and that many of my plays are not..happy plays...Well this is With Six Legs, unedited. Please Tell me what you think of it all.







With Six Legs













A play in a one Act.





















The stage is bare. The is a black chair in the middle with its back to the audience. Jay is straddled to it staring right into the audiences face.

Jay: (smiling and chewing a piece of gum) Welcome to my world.

Black out.

Jay: (speaking in the dark) I bet you’re wondering what this is all about. Let me tell you a little story. A story of my life. A story of the places I have been. Of the people I have met along the way. Lets be honest, you don’t want to hear about my life. I can tell. So I cut out all the boring bits and left the juicy details in. Just for you. Feel lucky? Good. Me too.

Lights up

Jay is laying on a bed smoking a cigarette.

Jay: (sitting up) I guess we will start when I died. Gotta be the juiciest part of my life.
(Asking audience) Do you believe in paradise? (Sighs) I’ve been all over the world. Found nothing but false paradises. (Smiles) Let me tell you where paradise is.

Black out.


John walks in and brings a book with him. Jay lays back down, still smoking. John sits down with him, lights his own cigarette.

John: (writing in his book) 1, 3 , 7, 24.

Jay: What ya up to?

John: Counting. .

Jay: Funny. You seemed to miss a few.

John: (stands up and looks disgusted at Jay) What would you know?

Jay: Nothing. That’s why I’m here.

John: Leave then. No one wants you here.

Jay: (stands up and walks to the door) Make sure she writes.

John: Yeah okay.
Black out

Lights up
John and Jays chairs are back to back and they are sitting opposite each other. Each smoking a cigarette.

Jay: The definition of happiness is to be characterized by good luck and fortune.

John: The definition of hate means to detest. I hate him. He hates me. I can’t get away. He can. That’s why I hate him. He breathes the air I long to breathe. He’s so goddamn lucky.

Jay: Paradise means to be in a place of ideal beauty or loveliness. We hope and we dream to be something we aren’t. We base our whole lives on something being out there and we work to find out what the great mystery is. Just to be hit by a bus or some disease. What’s the point? I’ve been around the world. Paradise is a hoax. (Smokes and laughs)

John: He has it all. Brains, luck with women, strength. Gotta hate it when someone that don’t deserve it gets everything you want. Gotta hate it when everything you love is ripped from you. Gotta love it when a good man realizes that life don’t mean shit to a murderer. Man, he’s getting to me.

Jay: I like to smoke. (Looks at the cigarette) Who wouldn’t? I’ve searched for paradise. It don’t exist. I come here and I want a way to get away, so I smoke. What’s wrong with that? Gotta die sooner or later anyways.

John: I hate smoking. (Looks at the cigarette and laughs) He smokes. I bet he made me smoke. I can’t think of the old times. The old times when life seemed pointless. Now it is pointless. Man, starting to sound like Shakespeare. (Laughs and then gets serious) not like he would mind. He’s dead. Probably died looking for a reason to live. Pretty good existence we got going for ourselves here. Live searching for the reason why we are here and then just...die. (Smokes)

Jay: It was ninth grade. I started smoking in ninth grade. I put a butt out on my hand once to impress some girl. (Laughs) ....pointless attempts to make myself feel big when I really wasn’t. (Laughs it off)

John: Curl it up. Tight grip. Aim. Swing. Pow. Out. He’s down and out. I remember that (laughs). Got that bastard good. Clenched, crying. (Laughs) teach him to mess with me.

Jay: Point is....we all see things differently...I socked him good back in ninth grade...he tried to fight back...but I got him...got him good....smoked all the way home...

John: Do it. Go ahead. Do it.

Jay: Got home round midnight..fought the urge to smoke...so I smoked some more and went to bed.

John: (laughs)

Black out

Lights up on John lying face down on the floor with Jay looking down at him, smoking.

Jay: Don’t get up. Just..stay down..socked you good that time didn’t I? (Nervous laugh)

[Johns dead.]

Jay: (Smokes nervously and gets on one knee to look John the face) ...serves you right...pointless to keep talking about it....you keep waiting for this day that never came...and I gave it to you....you wanted it..didn’t you? You made me suffer. (Sits down next to the body)

[Pause]

Jay: Remember when we got into that ninth grade fight...you were socked all right...but I came and...and I rescued you...(smokes)... you were my brother... I had to and I did... you never would for me... I was never..good enough...for you. But I came and did it again...I saved you from realizing the truth...the truth....paradise..pointless...remember..ninth....grade...I saved you again little brother (tears are now coming down his face but he still smokes) I saved you from it all...the painful reality...pointless....now you know nothing is out there...you know just as I know that it can end..just like that......you should be thanking me...no one knows me anymore...no one.

Black out.

John is standing on a chair looking at the audience. Staring at them. Jay is in a corner smoking.

John: I feel no pain anymore. He was right. I should have thanked him. No pain. No regrets. No harm no foul right? No pain no gain. It was painful. For about a fourth of a second. Then...bam. Done.. (smiles and lights a cigarette) I should have thanked him. (Laughs) (Jay twitches and lights another cigarette) Yeah, you can smoke in paradise. Hypocritical eh? Yeah I know, it seems like all of what we thought ...was...nothing. (Laughs again) I thought I should leave you with something.

John takes out a music box and lays it on the bed and opens it to play an eerie song. Mad World from Gary Jules may be a good choice.

John: Thought you would like it.

Black out

Jay is sitting as he was originally. This time his head is in his arms. Smoking again.

The tune plays for a minute or so.

Tune cuts off.
Jay: I love that song. It was my paradise. Yeah, its hypocritical all right. My paradise...in a box. How....perfect.

Black out.

Lights up

Jack is sitting back to back again with John. Both are holding unlit cigarettes.

John: ...Some people think that someone never truly dies...that they just..become a spirit of what they used to be....what is death? who can even answer that question? ...we spend our entire lives seeking answers...and getting...nowhere....

Jay: .. I quit smoking today.

Both flick their cigarettes away at the same time.

John: Some people say death is just a phase. Who knows?...who..cares anymore? Once you’re dead..you’re dead...there is no replay button...

Jay: Life is a paradox.

John: Who knows the answers? ...Do you?

Jay: Nothing anymore matters. We are contradictions....paradise...in..a...

John: Box.

Fade out.

Lights up on Jay standing on a chair and looking down. John is smoking, sitting on the bed.

John: Old habits never die...unlike...us...

Jay: Questions must be asked. Answers must be given. What you believe in your mind will become reality. This life is just a sheet over the painting of the truth

John: (smokes) A box of bittersweet....

Jay: ....paradise...

John: We hope and we dream...

Jay: To be something we aren’t...

John: we base our whole lives on something out there and we work to find out what...

Jay: the big mystery is.

John: Paradise is a..

Jay: Hoax

Jay falls face first off chair as lights go out automatically.

Lights up in Jay in the same beginning position.

Jay: (Smoking and smiling) Some people think that someone never truly dies. But who can tell? Who can answer all of our questions?...(pause)... ironic isn’t it? Smoking in paradise... I guess you can do pretty much anything you want in your paradise...your paradise in a box..how...perfect.

Jay stands up and walks away slowly, still smoking his cigarette.

Fade out.

“Welcome to my world” is a bit of a lame duck opening. Especially since the lights go down after that. The intensity of the one line is good. But what is the purpose of this line? Here, it has little or no function, except to make us think the character is a pain in the ass. Maybe that’s your objective.

The blackout is a unique and awesome stage technique. But, using it too often will make the audience feel like they’re having a seizure or something on par with that. Generally, you don’t want to blackout in the middle of a scene, except if you have a good reason. Sometimes it may come into your plot, as if there were a power outage. Other times it might be symbolic, such as if the character feels as if he’s in the dark about something. But use the effect sparingly. You can have too much of a good thing.

“Jay: (sitting up) I guess we will start when I died. Gotta be the juiciest part of my life.
(Asking audience) Do you believe in paradise? (Sighs) I’ve been all over the world. Found nothing but false paradises. (Smiles) Let me tell you where paradise is.”

The character comes off as a smartass. It’s not endearing. But more importantly, you have said too much, told too much. All writing, but especially scriptwriting, requires that you show, not tell. You can show through words and dialogue. It is difficult here since you have set the character on stage by himself. You may want to consider scrapping the solo beginning and coming right in with character interaction. But if you choose to remain with the character by himself, try to give us a picture of someone talking to himself, talking about things which only make partial sense to the audience, but will make total sense later. It is very difficult to pull off an aside to the audience without making it seem tacky. Even when Shakespeare did it, it sometimes appears phony, ruining your character. But you definitely need to establish that character before you address the audience.

You seem to be striving for characters at a maturity level beyond what you can know at your age. I am not talking down to you. I have done the exact same thing many times. Many times. I continue to do it. One of the giveaways is cigarette smoking. Another is excessive cursing. Another is sarcasm from the main character. Unfortunately, this creates flat characters rather than more mature ones. Not all adults are jaded. They do not all smoke. And few curse within casual conversation more than occasionally.


”John: (writing in his book) 1, 3 , 7, 24.
Jay: What ya up to?
John: Counting. .
Jay: Funny. You seemed to miss a few.
John: (stands up and looks disgusted at Jay) What would you know?
Jay: Nothing. That’s why I’m here.
John: Leave then. No one wants you here.”
Jay: (stands up and walks to the door) Make sure she writes.
John: Yeah okay.

This is confusing. Thoroughly. And then the lights go out. The audience has no idea what is going on at this point. Not a good time to turn out the lights. The scene has only been going on for about a minute. Maybe. Keep the lights on at least until things make some sense.

“John and Jays chairs are back to back and they are sitting opposite each other.” Who sits like this?

The discourse that follows this has pros and cons. The energy that is flung back and forth is good here. The tension in the situation can be felt. But they are speaking in aphorisms, mixed in with personal observations. Interaction is cut down to nothing. There is no event. There is simply this back and forth wordplay about hate and paradise, etc. The play still hasn’t developed a backbone. The characters remain flat, because they have no arena in which to act out their personalities. To have them simply tell what they think is, well, boring. Plus the bitterness and sarcasm is so intense it becomes painful to listen to them speak.

“John: Curl it up. Tight grip. Aim. Swing. Pow. Out. He’s down and out. I remember that (laughs). Got that bastard good. Clenched, crying. (Laughs) teach him to mess with me.”

I like this part.

We begin to see that these two got into a fight years ago. And that one smoked because of it. Then it blacks out. Then in the next scene, they come together again. Before they were sitting right next to each other and apparently weren’t communicating. Then they begin to interact. But before we see interaction, one dies. He’s dead. Peeking down at the rest of the script, apparently he comes back to life. The confusion of the plot is getting in the way of some of your ideas, and some of your really good writing. The play is now burdened with ideas, but cannot support them because it has neither the foundation of characters nor the backbone of plot.

“Jay: I love that song. It was my paradise. Yeah, its hypocritical all right. My paradise...in a box. How....perfect.”

This part has no precursor to it, and comes as a total shock. Once again, it makes little sense. Why is it his paradise? Why is it hypocritical? Is this something from the past?

The rest of the play fizzles out with a bunch of nihilistic talk about the afterlife and the present life and how it doesn’t matter. None of the confusion has been explained. There remains no plot. The characters were not vehicles for any action.

The main thing that needs to be changed is the force of your idea. It is obvious you were trying to make a point, and to inject some drama here. But points and drama are no good if there isn’t characters and plot to back them up. Flick the lights off and on all you want, but you need events, real characters, and at least a semblance of a plot.

Suggested reading: The Sandbox by Edward Albee, Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller, and The Lottery by Shirley Jackson. The last one is not a play, but the contents of it should be very helpful. It shows how to carry an idea while still having a plot and characters, and not making the idea overbearing.

I’d love to see any revised works. Keep writing!

First of all timjim, i want to thank you for actually spending time to read and post a reply to my play. I hope the answers I give to your questions shed a new light on the piece to you and to other readers.

To begin this, I must start by saying that this play is two major things that someone must remember in order to fully understand it. With Six Legs in an absurd play that is formed around workshop theater. For those of you who ask what this means, its basically very raw theater. Its a style of theater that unfortunatly does not get as much light as it might deserve.

To timjim,

"Welcome to my world" could be considered a lame duck opening to some. To others it may relate to the Mad World song coming from the box later on. This is a first line to something that something has made for themselves. He is a pain in the ass, dont get me wrong about that. The blackout at the beginning of the play gives the viewers and readers a chance to delve into a version of this mans mind. It was not my objective to make this character a total ass. It just came out that way. To me in a play each character is a different idea for someone the playwriter wishes to mix into his story, and it just happens that this idea came across as that.

The Blackout effect is, as you say a unique and awesome stage technique, but not only as an actor who has been in numerous productions and has seen all types of theater, but also as a writer of plays, i know that using the blackout technique too much can kill a play or make it unique. With this play and other plays that I write, I do not intend to give anyone seizures. I intend to make people watch the play. I do not have a bunch of witty stupid people sitting around a table for fourty five minutes making the audience bored out of their skulls. I make a play that goes in and out of the human mind in order to deal with things that everyday people think.

You have to remember that this type of play is a more raw version of what Harold Pinter has wrote. In many of his pieces he wrote only an idea and let the actors and directors choose what they can do with their characters in order to make the play live and breathe. That was my intention with this play. When speaking to the audience, I want the audience to be with this play. Many plays I have read throw the audience so far away from the play that they can not really feel what the characters are even feeling. With this play I want the audience to be at the same level as the characters. Again with establishing characters, I took Harold Pinters route.

The smoking and cussing are there for a reason believe it or not. I do not think all adults smoke and cuss that much. I do think young adults cuss and smoke but not that much. I do this to give the play a raw feeling. You notice that I use the word raw a lot. Raw is my way of saying I do not want a boring everyday play that deals with everyday things. It means I want a In-Your-Face Play. Plays such as This Is Our Youth show smoking young adults and cussing young adults too. I do not base my play on that though. I write also about cussing and smoking because a lot of younger teenagers never can relate to the adults that people play on stage. This gives teenagers a chance to relate them to themselves or some of their friends. No I do not think all teenagers smoke and cuss, but this may help some people relate more with the character giving them a more powerful understanding. Also, these two can be played as adults, young adults and even teenagers if chosen so by the director.

The number counting is my way of making the audience actually start to think. It gives them a chance to say something along the lines of "I wonder what that means?" For me, its absurdity in order to create a thought or feeling. Someone may think that "she" is a woman that they love or their mother or pretty much anyone. Just another example of something added to make the play absurd and to leave the audience with a chance to create what they feel is the appropriate meaning. The objective in this play was to make people feel at one with the characters and then to let them think and make decisions on their own.

They sit like that in order to mix in between lives and show a difference in thoughts and ideas. Its a very modern way of doing it, dont get me wrong. It may be a downfall but I believe the idea is good. They sit like both are facing two different sides of the audience with the backs of the chairs to each other. If a play that has been done in is out there, reading it may help better to understand this situation if you dont understand how they are sitting. Its another form of absurdity.

Again, as with Harold Pinter, the backbone is created by directors and actors.

He doesnt come back to life. That must have been something people would mistake. He comes back in Jays mind as a influence in the end result suicide. He leaves the box in order to push Jay to the brink of insanity. When he is standing on a chair, Jay is imagining that what he did is alright and okay. There is confusion in this play, I will give you that, but only for the person who does not look beyond the story and works to interpret the ideas.

Paradise is usually seen as the garden that adam and eve were in. He never found paradise but he remembers John and is saddened. He finds it hypocritical that everything good in life is left to one little box. His last little bit of paradise and his last thing beautiful to him.

Again with the rest of your statements about the characters having no backbone and the play being confusing and such, this is all left to the audience to decide and for the actors to interprete. Its an idea put on paper. Its a play that was formed from an idea. Every line has a meaning, if your willing to open your mind to them.

Suggested reading: Revue Sketches by Harold Pinter, Practically anything from Sam Beckett, and just to see if you like it (if you read it) the other plays I post here. I find your opinion valuable in the playwriting process.

All in all, this kind of theater may not be your kind of theater. I will change this play in order to work with some of your questions. Thank you very much for your post and I hope you read my other works when I post them.

Also, to anyone who reads my play, please tell me what you think so I can work on revising it. If you like it please tell me if you dont then tell me that too. I will be posting a new play almost weekly so I may keep some of you reading for quite some time.

Thanks again,

Neost.

Firstly i have to say i was a little confused at moments. But i did understand straight away that john did not come back to life, it was just in Jay's mind, i managed to identify that quite easily by the way you wrote it.

Jack is sitting back to back again with John. Both are holding unlit cigarettes.

Did you mean Jay, because i thought there was another character and this confused me.

Jay falls face first off chair as lights go out automatically

At this point i weren't quite sure if he commited suicide. I'm assuming the chair is just a prop, but i think you should state a more realistic way he died, like falling off a cliff or something, because you cannot die falling off a chair.

Overall, i think you are really talented and i will definitly be reading more of your plays. I do however feel some things have to be made clearer to the readers/audience. I really got gripped after John died, i thought this because the characters conversation was a lot more deep and really made me think about everything that was said.

Can't wait to read more of your work!

Ah Thank you very much for reading my play and I am glad you enjoyed it.

Yes i meant Jay, that was a bad typo that I have to take out because I was writing something at that time that has a character named Jack in it and I must have mixed them up.

In the end when Jay falls off I would have liked that the audience has a choice of whether he dies or just goes insane. I do not want to put too much stress on either of the two because I like to know the audiences point of view

More of my work will be posted next week if you look for it

Once again thank you for reading my play.

Neost

Neost wrote:...your paradise in a box..how...perfect.

This seemed to draw it all together; this was the theme. I won't go on a disparate or tight critique - Timjim has done it somewhat; with the pointed abstraction in places, it becomes more subjective anyhow.

My only complaint - note - would be the action. Large action ought to be note - for example, John falling face-first off the chair. But I think the actors needn't be directed as to 'smiling' and such. It breaks the flow of dialogue and is open to interepration either way. Subjective, yes - but I've always observed dialogue speaks best for itself. (Shakespeare may non-direct to a fault - but his words speak volumes. ^_^)

All in all, it seemed pointless 'til near the end - and then I was grinning. I enjoyed the threads of distraction and irony - the black outs (I agree - a bit too often possibly) - and the way you had the characters speak to, and beyond eachother. I'd have to see it performed to know whether it came across clearly. Ah well, the pitfalls of playwrighting - one always must rely on an actor in the end, yes?

I hope to see more of your writing around. ^_^

Jay: (sitting up) I guess we will start when I died. Gotta be the juiciest part of my life.

^ Isn't it John who died? Or did they both die? This is the only bit that sorta confused me.

I did really like this though. It looks like you really thought about themes, and sub themes, just like you might do in English class when you're analysing plays etc.

Well done for this! The only other comment I can make is that it's a bit confusing to read in some ways. Perhaps you could put more paragraphs between each 'scene', a scene being the bit between two black-outs. Possibly putting actions in bold or italics as well, or it won't look so obvious.

Oh, and I really like the whole black-out thing, especially as it means the characters can move around like they do.

I really like it. Especially this part:

The old times when life seemed pointless. Now it is pointelss.

That's really good. You said it very well, but can I say one thing as regards character development? Your protagonist seemed completely okay with telling all about himself, smoking nonchalantly and smiling at the audience. This is fine, but most people, all people, really, do not like to bare their souls to the outside. They do not like to open themselves up, show their problems, present their phsyces for outside scrutiny. Even if they're dead. Especially if their dead.
I could be completely wrong. Maybe I'm totally off the mark. But I think that perhaps it would greatly add to your story if you made your POVC a little less happy-go-lucky, and at ease. Just an idea. Really great play. =D>

I think that that was a wonderful screenplay and you should go ahead with it. There are people looking for stuff like that.
I have only one question. Why do both of the main characters smoke?

I told everyone that I would reply to all their comments on my posts, so I will reply one at a time to all of you if you care to read it.


I will start with Poor_Imps post.

Thank you for reading the play. This play seems to have a problem with two main ideas. Action and character creation. These problems have begun to work themselves out in my later plays. I think your right about the fact that the characters should not be directed to smile. I add these because, without this, the actors may pull off something that sounds like a very poorly done version of the type of character. These characters are a certain type and putting the smiles and laughs mixed in with the script, I personally think, helps the actor in order to see my vision of the character. In later plays, I have tried to keep away from this fault. Thank you for noting it to me so that the next plays that I begin will not have as many breaks.
I am glad in the end you enjoyed it. The blackouts in this script are a dsitraction to many people unless they can see it on stage and performed in front of an audience. That is where the true power of playwriting and acting turn into something amazing. I rely on actors to understand my meanings in my plays and unfortunatly, this may be the downfall of With Six Legs. Thank you again for reading.

To KayJuran,

John is the only one in the play that dies, so to speak. Jay can die or he can just fall off the brink of insanity. It depends on how the piece is performed. I am glad you enjoyed it, and I like the idea for the italics or bold for actions. I think I will use that. About English Class; I do analyze and read plays as a hobby so I can see how my writing would end up like that You saw a good reason why I used the blackouts and I hope you read my other plays.
Thank you for reading my play.


To Dream Deep,

Again, the big problems with the play is action and characters. You hit it right on the mark with that one. However, I wrote this play so that Jay has gotten to the point where he doesn't care who notices his deep inside feelings and emotions as long as he has the chance to tell someone- anyone-for the matter. I made him believe that the audience was he best friend that he was relating a long past event to. It probably didn't seem like that, but that was my original idea. I like the idea of making Jay a little less happy, it may add to the play. I am glad you read my play and very pleased you enjoyed it.

To Reas e'lil,

I never designed this to be a screenplay but I have been getting that comment that perhaps it should be turned into one. It would be nice if someone would want this work . To answer your question, Both main characters smoke to show, as I said to timjim, a raw side of life that anyone can relate to (or most people atleast.) I believe depression has led both of these people to smoking because they discovered whats really out there in store for them. Thank you so much for reading my play.

To Everyone,

Thank you all for your comments. Please, keep the replies coming so I can further edit this script and begin editing my more recent scripts.

To People who liked this,

My next play will be posted Mid-next week. Probably, Tuesday or Wednesday, so please keep your eye on this area so you can read the second play: Unlimited Rule.

Thanks everyone,

Neost.

Talk about modern absurdism! Not my thing, but it was fascinating.

I wasn't too fond of that opening, but since you did have a good reason for doing it, I can't complain.

In general, it was well done, but didn't interest me. Not that there are any problems with it. It's just not my thing. I like good, solid, story-telling. This is probably something you'd see in the fringe festival in Toronto, or something. It kind of reminded me of Fight Club, in terms of the tone.

Yeah this is definatly uber modern absurdity. Im glad you enjoyed it somewhat. Thank you for reading it.

yeah i see now where the fight club tone came into play.

Neost

Hi, hon. I'm back for another ramble for you. I am not going to go into strict specifics or talk about the things everyone else has touched on. So here I go...

I am a bit of a wordist. What I mean about it, is that each, and every word in a piece must belong there. No excess, no superflouos terms as such. Especially in your beginning there is a lot of this word excess. As well as missing punctuation.

This was a very interesting concept, and your ending I like very much.

Happy Editing! CL.