Libraeon 2

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Chapter 2

As the sun broke through the opening in her purple curtains, Winnie turned over, and let out an agitated moan. “It’s Sunday,” she whined, “Sleeeeeeep.” She pulled her covers over her head to block out the annoying morning light and curled into a ball. The morning breeze escaped through the old window, and blew through her room. Slowly opening her eyes and uncovering her head, she embraced the warm air. “Fine,” she muttered and rubbed her eyes.
While Winnie forced herself out of her comfortable bed, her mother’s irritating singing voice called her to the phone. “‘M gonna kill ‘er,” she muttered as she made her way to the upstairs phone, still unmotivated to go downstairs and take the one from her mother. The clock read 9:00. For Winnie, it was too early, but not too early for June. “I hate you… sooo… much,” she garbled.
“Mornin,’ Sunshine,” June greeted in a somewhat proud tone, “Did I wake you?”
“That would just make your day if you did, wouldn’t it? Sadly, no, I woke up on my own.” The girls talked about doing something together, but Winnie was too tired to make plans at the moment. As June asked her about a trip to the movies, Winnie shuddered. A cold chill grazed her spine, and goose bumps appeared on her limbs. She had forgotten about them the night before. As she slept she blamed it on the breeze from her window, but she looked up and down the hallway, her room, her parents’ room, and none of the windows where open now.
“Win, you still there?” June asked.
“Ye-yeah, I’m here,” Winnie responded, and she went into her room. “You know what, June? I think I’m gonna stay around here today, okay?”
“No prob. Maybe next weekend. See you tomorrow,” and June hung up.
Winnie pressed the button on the phone, and she looked behind her, where she felt another chill. Glancing at the phone, thinking about her closest friend, she established that she was insane. Even June wouldn’t believe her. She shrugged it off, and went to her room. After putting on a pair of blue jeans, and long-sleeved green sweater, she was finishing her black eye liner and blue eye shadow.
The chills continued through the day, through the whole month. While sketching a picture for her art class, she felt chills along her neck. As she danced to a song on the radio, she could swear the presence of someone watching her. The feeling was even stronger when she was changing, or getting ready for bed after a shower. It wasn’t a long feeling, only a few seconds. It was almost as if someone saw her and knew that if she knew they were there, she would kill them.
With every cold feeling, Winnie was glad that her friends preferred to stay over at June’s or Cynthia’s. After finding things in places where she swore she didn’t put them, hearing things, being watched, and just overall freaked out, something about having her friends over didn’t seem like a good idea. Her mother was starting to grow worried, contemplating calling a doctor about her daughter’s on edge behavior, though her father seemed to not notice.
Sitting on a cliff that over looked Foster Lake, Winnie was reading a new ghost story about a woman committing suicide after finding her husband dead on her floor. She was interested in the chain of events that would lead to such a tragedy. What would possess a man to kill himself in his house so when his wife returned home she would see his bloody corpse on her nice clean floor? Then for her to be so stricken by grief to kill herself, it must have been true love.
Winnie looked to her shoulder. It felt like a hand had rested upon her, but when she looked, no one was there. She closed her book and pouted as the feeling evaporated from her shoulder. “Just you wait,” she said under her breath. She knew now. After everything, she knew. The chills, the presence, she was being haunted. She stood up with her book. “On the celebration of All Hollow’s Eve… just you wait,” she muttered again.
Winnie started back to the house, but not before looking out to the horizon. The sun glowed with a pink and gold attraction. Sparkles shined off the water, and a raven landed in the braches of the tree in view of the scene. It was odd, but Winnie felt closer to home on the cliff, than she did at home. She looked away, and walked through the woods. She had school in the morning, so she needed to go home and get ready for the next day.
After another night of chills and creeps, she was standing in the school hallway putting in the combination for the lock on her locker.
“Hey, Win,” June greeted from her position leaning on her red locker.
Winnie waved, and smiled. “Is it time to go home now?” she asked hoping for a positive answer, knowing it wouldn’t come. She opened her locker, which she shared with June, and pulled out a binder and book for science class. Nikki and Cynthia joined them, and Cindy followed, accompanied by her boyfriend, Jason.
“Hi, Winnie,” he said in a deep voice. “Morning, Jason,” She smiled. She and Jason had been close for years, giving them a brother-sister relationship. She walked up to him, and squeezed him by the waist. It was a contest they did for years. Winnie would squeeze him, but Jason was bigger, stronger, and always hugged tighter than she could.
Jason’s dark brown hair wasn’t short, but it wasn’t long either. After a haircut, Jason had the enjoyment of being made fun of by the girls. They said he looked like the main wizard from J.K Rowling’s book, Harry Potter. However, he was much taller, and his glasses weren’t broken. “I have to get to class,” He said. He kissed Cindy, and left to his classroom at the other end of Spiridon High.
Cindy sighed, and dreamily watched Jason leave. June looked at the love struck girl and commented, “You’re gonna see the kid in an hour.”
“I know,” she said, still dazed, “But isn’t he hot?”
The girls looked at each other, but they were speechless. Jason wasn’t a bad looking guy, but he became easily depressed at times, and wasn’t always reasonable. They loved him though. He was one of the best male friends they could ask for.
Winnie threw her bag over her shoulder, and gestured Cindy to follow her. They had the same class and they were going to be late. It wasn’t long into class before Cindy was asleep, and Winnie’s head was sliding off her hand onto the desk. The girls didn’t ask for much, but entertainment in class was something they wished for. Most of the class would rather watch paint dry than sit in an hour-long class with Mr. K.
Winnie looked up at the clock, and nudged Cindy. “Almost time,” she hinted.
Cindy smiled, and began placing her things back in her bag. When she was done, the bell had rung, and it was time for break. The girls ran to their place by their lockers, and rejoined the others. “An hour,” Cindy started, “And the most I learned in that class today was that I drool in my sleep.” She pointed to a wet spot on her sleeve. Everyone laughed at her. As they talked, a group of students stopped beside them, and looked at them with cruel gazes.
“What’s so funny?” A thin girl with red hair questioned. She flipped her hair over her shoulder, and glared at Winnie.
“Hello, Christina,” Winnie said in an apathetic tone, “What brings you to our neck of the school?”
Christina placed her hand on her hip, and pointed a finger at Winnie. “Do you shower at all?” She asked, avoiding Winnie’s question, “Because you reek of death!”
Winnie smirked and replied, “Yes, but I bathe in the blood of my victims. Your next, by the way!” She started for the girl, but Jason held her back.
Christina looked disgusted and added, “You’re a freak. Who dug you up? Dracula?”
“That’s Dr. Frankenstein, you balloon,” She retorted, still being held back by Jason. Whenever people like Christina approached her, Winnie needed to be restrained from reverting to wolf man tactics: Ripping their face off, and leaving them there to rot.
“Balloon?’ What does that mean?” Christina asked in a snobbish tone.
“It means you’re an air head, Moron!”
“Go cut yourself!” She told Winnie, referring to the “emo” action of minor suicide.
“How about I rip your hair out instead?!”
“Let her go Jason. I want to see this rat scurry away!” She chuckled, and smirked at the contained Winifred.
“I’m gonna give you a nose job in a second, Snot!”
“Girls!” a teacher appeared from a nearby classroom. “Christina, please go somewhere else.”
Christina listened, but she still stood within hearing distance. She wanted to know what the teacher had to say to her “murderous” opponent.
“Winifred, what happened?” The teacher, Mrs. Renuzil, asked.
“Mrs. Renuzil-” Cindy started, but she was cut off.
“I asked Winifred,” she stated.
“Nothing, Mrs. Renuzil,” Winnie told her.
“Well ‘nothing’ better not happen again.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
Mrs. Renuzil left, and Cynthia looked to Winnie. “Why didn’t you tell her?”
“Do you really think she was going to believe me?”
They all saw her point and Christina stepped out from where she was watching.
“You’re right, she wouldn’t believe a witch like you,” she laughed, and turned to leave.
Winnie sighed and went back to her locker, but quickly turned back around when she heard Christina shriek. The girl was being pulled up from the ground, because the heel on her shoe had broke. As she was pulled up, she didn’t know about the person at her side stepping on her skirt. When standing again, she screamed from embarrassment. The skirt from her uniform had ripped, and fell down. She covered her pink panties, and ran toward the girls’ bathroom, followed by her friends. She tripped as she ran, and every student that caught sight of the girl laughed.
Winnie stared dumbfounded at the place where Christina had last fallen. After a moment of silence, Cindy, June, Cynthia, Nikki, and Jason started laughing to the point of pain. Winnie didn’t know how to respond, seeing the girl so embarrassed should have made her laugh like her friends, harder even, but she suspected foul play from the other side. She hoped she was wrong and that she wasn’t now being followed. The last thing she needed was her friends to catch on to her fall into madness.
The day went on, and Winnie kept thinking about the mishap with Christina. The rumors from students didn’t help. Trying hard to avoid Christina, Winnie didn’t want to deal with the girl approaching her, probably being accused of hexing the most popular girl in school and making her walk around school in her friend’s nasty gym clothes.
The school day ended and she came up to her house, parking beside her father’s truck. She pressed the button on her keys, locking the doors of her silver Peugeot 106. She opened the door to the house, put her bags down, and looked at her calendar. Friday was Halloween, and she was a little scared. Something about summoning this ghost made her rethink her plans. She shook her head. She really was going insane. She ignored the chill against her bare legs, and went to her room.
June called later, as did Cindy, to talk about what happened to Christina, but Winnie just wanted the talking to stop. When she got off the phone with Cindy, who Winnie had put on speakerphone, not motivated to use the handheld phone, she lay down on her bed, and looked up to the ceiling. As she began to close her eyes, she could swear that she heard a boy laugh, but she was too tired to acknowledge it.
Last edited by AlicePhell on Mon Aug 08, 2011 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Everything can lead to an adventure, I just try to write those adventures down




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Hey there Alice!

Back for a second! Ok, first off, I just noticed that you joined on the fourth of August: so welcome to YWS! Second, I noticed that you posted both chapters the same day. Technically, there's nothing wrong with that, if you keep reviewing yourself, but it's hard for a reviewer to comment when several chapters come out at the same time. Sometimes, they find the task too daunting. Me? I need to get a life :P

But I would suggest giving each chapter a couple of days berth to have more people commenting. :D

As the sun broke through the opening in her purple curtains, Winnie turned over, and let out an annoyed moan. “It’s Sunday,” she whined, “Sleeeeeeep.” She pulled her covers over her head, and curled into a ball. The morning breeze escaped through the old window, and blew through her room. Slowly opening her eyes and uncovering her head, she embraced the warm air. “Fine,” she muttered and rubbed her eyes. The clock read 9:00. For Winnie, it was too early, but not too early for June
Ok, this confused me. The way it's phrased, I thought an alarm or something was ringing, and she didn't want to get up. You say it isn't too early for June. Only after do you mention that there's a phone call and it's June. You should maybe include the ringing phone in the first paragraph, and that she has the sneaking suspicious it is June. Or, just, that she would like to shoot the early bird on the phone.

While Winnie forced herself out of her comfortable bed, her mother’s irritating singing voice called her to the phone. “‘M gonna kill ‘er,” she muttered as she made her way to the upstairs phone, still unmotivated to go downstairs. “I hate you… sooo… much,” she garbled.
Um, why would she go downstairs if there's a phone upstairs?

She was interested in the chain of events that would lead to such a tradgidy.
tragedy.

What would poses a man to kill himself in his house so when his wife returned home she would see his bloody corpse on her nice clean floor
possess.

Winnie looked to her shoulder. It felt like a hand had rested upon her, but when she looked, no one was there. She closed her book and pouted as the feeling evaporated from her shoulder. “Just you wait,” she said under her breath. She knew now. After everything, she knew. The chills, the presence, she was being haunted. She stood up with her book. “On the celebration of All Hollow’s Eve… just you wait,” she muttered again

This feels completely random. I liked the buildup of the tension created by the chills. I would love for you to keep going for a while, feel other things. Yes, a month has passed, but other than actually telling us, we don't feel like more than a day or two has passed. You cheat your readers out of good tension, good scenes. I would highly suggest you rewrite this and add more scenes to help us see the passing of time, and for her to get to the realisation that there's something wrong. I mean, if a month passes, her friends are bound to notice that something's up. But there's no mention of this here.

Winnie started back to the house, but not before looking out to the horizon. The sun glowed with a pink and gold attraction. Sparkles shined off the water, and a raven landed in the braches of the tree in view of the scene. It was odd, but Winnie felt closer to home on the cliff, than she did at home. She looked away, and walked through the woods. She had school in the morning, so she needed to go home and get ready for the next day.

“Hey, Win,” June greeted from her position leaning on her red locker. Winnie waved, and smiled. “Is it time to go home now?” she asked hoping for a positive answer, knowing it wouldn’t come. She opened her locker, which she shared with June, and pulled out a binder and book for science class. Nikki and Cynthia joined them, and Cindy followed, accompanied by her boyfriend, Jason

There is no transition here between today and tomorrow. You need to make it clear with little stars or something that the day/scene has changed, or you'll confuse the crap out of your readers (namely, me.)

They all agreed, and Christina stepped out from where she was standing. “You’re right, she wouldn’t believe a witch like you,” she laughed, and turned to leave.

She quickly turned back around when she heard Christina shriek

This 'she' business is really confusing. Who turned and left? Christina? then she turned back when Christina screamed?

The day went on, and Winnie kept thinking about the mishap with Christina. The rumors of the students didn’t help. She heard a couple of boys saying that near the end of the day, before the last bell rang, Christina had to go to her car, in her underwear, so she could drive home. As much as Winnie hated Christina, she couldn’t help but feel bad for the girl.
Wait, so, she has no friends? No one could have loaned her gym shorts or something? Unrealistic. Also, where does this concern come from? One minute, she was ready to rip her face off, then suddenly she feels bad for the poor girl. Just keep in mind to keep your character consistent in her thoughts and actions, ok?

Ok! Done with the nitpicks. I think you have a great story here but you're going to have to rethink some of it. The story is centered on her being the reincarnation of Elisabeth, of being followed by her dead best friend. But you skip the parts where the haunting is actually being done.

It really feels like you're cheating your reader out of good scenes just so you could skip ahead to the 'good' parts. But you must keep in mind that the 'good' parts involve the tension you create around your characters.

Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions, ok?

Thanks for the great read!

Tanya




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Tanya, you are amazing. thank you very much for the review, I'll be working on these issues asap. I will divulge to you, that Lucifer becomes more than a haunting issue, so though I will take your advise and add in some more chills and creeps, the real fun is in future chapters.

Thank you so much again!

I just edited and fixed up the chapters if you want to take a look.
Everything can lead to an adventure, I just try to write those adventures down




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Hello there! This brought in my attention and it kept it throughout the rest of the chapter and I have also read the previous chapter. I will be following this novel. :D
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