Young Writers Society

A poem I wrote in the hospital. Basically describes what I was feeling...

We threw away our makeup
because it no longer worked,

For thick acrylic paint
So we could smother on smiles
and hide the cracks,
create open eyes to hide the sleep and tears.

We peeled away our bandages
and painted new, fresh coat skin

Now, all is well
they think all is well

I feel like it's kind of awkward... so feel free to be harsh

Hello talkingbird,

Personally I thought this was a quite simplistic, but it required more care when presenting it and you said it yourself.

I feel like it's kind of awkward

You are right it is rather awkward and I'm still kind of deciding what to make of it. I really have quite mixed opinions about it. After taking the time to reread it I have found the quality of it to increase for the better quite drastically. Anyway here are a few points for you, They are all just nit picks and not many of them are very big, this should be quick.

Firstly, this part here

they think all is well

you really need to reconsider how you have presented this. You have changed the size really dramatically and you have centered it. At first I didn't even realize that it was part of the poem so you need to change that. You could either make it small but not center it or you could keep it the same size and italicize it and I'm sure you could come up with many more ways to make sure that it catches the readers eye, have fun! I would love to see what you can come up with.

Next, where is the punctuation? Okay, that sounded harsh (hopefully you picked up that I was being sarcastic!) On a more serious note, I do think that this lacked punctuation and this also caused the flow to be off which is probably why you thought it sounded a bit awkward. I understand this is poetry and doesn't require as much poetry as a short story but you still need to give this a little more punctuation, just a comma now and then would help break your poem up a bit, try and improve that.

We threw away our makeup
--it no longer worked

Now finally, I just generally didn't understand the quoted part, it honestly just confused me and I didn't really fully understand how it truly related to the rest of the poem. Perhaps it's just me not focusing more on the poem, but however much I tried I just didn't quite get it.

Overall this was really good and it has massive potential. I love the beginning that you have here and the language also works well with everything else. I can't offer you nay more advice as I think you have an excellent poem with a really good frame and overall it had an interesting concept and I like the thought that you put into this poem as a whole, keep up the writing and if you want another review then please, PM me, I would be happy to.

From DreamingForever

Hey there! Let me just tell you, I haven't being reviewing for weeks now, so this could be quite, well, bleh. (the best way to put.)

Okay, so, I agree with DreamingForever. It was a bit too short and the structure wasn't constent. Also, you haven't given a background of exactly what's happening, so maybe that's why it seems so awkward and incomplete. So maybe, of what's happening, just a little, and then it would make a little more sense.

(Refering to what I said above ->) This seems very awkward and unwanted.

We threw away our makeup
--it no longer worked

The sentence itself was well-worded, but since we had no idea of what was/is happening it seems quite useless. The same actually goes for the entire thing.

they think all is well

This was the only sentence out of place. The font was different and smaller. It was placed in the center whereas the entire poem was left-sided. So, adjust that.


Now, in the spoiler, the way of actually placing puntuations are in red. Check it.

Spoiler

We threw away our makeup,
-It no longer worked.
[Sentence?] Add.
[Sentence?] Add.

For thick acrylic paint,
So we could smother on smiles , [PS: The rhyme sucks here. Sorry D: ]
and hide the cracks.
Create open eyes, to hide the sleep and tears. [For some reason, I think 'Whipe the tears' should be placed. I don't know, though :/ ] Also this sentence doesn't fit. You need to elaborate it a little more, after the comma.

So we peel away our bandages,
and paint new, fresh skin
[Sentence?] Add.
[Sentence?] Add.

Now all is well...
They think all is well.

You see? The poem actually opens up a little more with well placed puntuation.
Hope it makes sense, all of that ^

If you need anything, you can always contact me!
Take care! (You were in the hospital. :O)
And keep writing!

I thought it was really good, very simplistic and I liked the idea, however, I do think it ended a bit awkwardly and sudden, like you said. So maybe a bit of work there, other than that I thought it was great Keep writing! x