Sun and Sky

I don't know why
The Sun rises everyday
To kiss the mourning Sky,
And when clouds come,
Threatening tears
It sends a ray of light,
To brush the sorrow aside.

But at every dusk,
Sky turns its face,
To the idol of the moon,
And a million little, tiny stars,
That never could be
As brilliant as the Sun.
And the Sky itself
Is blotted out
By iniquities and lies,
Trying to keep them
In the dark.

Yet every morning,
The Sun comes back,
Forgiving and healing,
Piercing through the fears and sins,
Erasing them.

Doing what the Sky can't.
Using her,
To bring light
To the world.

I loved it! Damn girl, the imagery was fantastic! I loved the almost magical feeling I got reading lines like:

"The Sun rises everyday
To kiss the mourning Sky,"



Your rhyming was a bit difficult to follow. In fact, I'm not even sure if you used a rhyme scheme or not. If you did, you should clean it up a bit, if not, look out for lines in which it accidentally rhymed, as this confuses the reader.

Nicely done

RA

I liked this but my favorite part had to be the end

"Doing what the Sky can't.
Using her,
To bring light
To the world."

that was just brilliant

not much else for me to say.

Keep writing and remember to glorify god every now and then for the gift of written word

Hey, I'm Soul,

I'll start off by saying overall I liked this poem and must say my favorite part of the poem has to be the first stanza.

I loved the imagery you have throughout the poem. It was easy for me to keep a picture in my mind the entire time. ( That is very difficult to do, so to you for that. ) I also found the image I started with, by reading the first stanza, was really strong and got me hooked instantly.

On the note of being ' really strong and hooking me' I'll add in the fact that I like your way with words, or more to the point, your choice of them. " to the idol of the moon" is one example of what I mean by that. You don't have a bunch of different little words drowning your poem, I like that.

Now that I've stated what I like about your poem, I'll get to what I think you can work on.

The flow, or perhaps rhythm would be a better word, of your poem wasn't very smooth. ( or at least I don't believe it is.)
Now I'm not the best with punctuation, and maybe that's why I think your flow is off, but I find you have quite a bit of
commas. The only thing I can suggest to help you with that would be for you to take each stanza and put them into paragraphs. Go through each one like that and decide from there what changes, if any, you want to make.

Well I believe I went through everything I wanted to.
Leaving you on a good note I'll say that it was a good poem and for you to keep writing.

-Soul

I’m perplexed is this happy or sad??? When it started out it sounded as if you where upset that the sun came up, but then you made it sound as if you miss the sun when the stars where out, then you seemed happy that it would return at day brake. And the name seems off. “Why” doesn’t fit to this maybe a different name would suffice tell me when you’ve chosen a better alternative. Sorry if I was insensitive to this, but I give it a six out of ten.

I really like this! The first two lines were my favorite, because of the imageries. I even clicked like! The one thing that bugs me, is the ending.

"Doing what the Sky can't.
Using her,
To bring light
To the world."

I didn't find it quite clear, or fitting with the tempo of the rest of the poem. Still, great job! It was so sweet!
Keep writing!
-Ofir