Last World: Chapter 1 second draft

We were the last people on Earth. The world ended and women survived. Only the women that were perfect for his expectations. He killed everyone that wasn't a woman. We were left on some planet nobody knew of. My childhood was spent in those days when the King ruled the world. He made it a living Hell. At least Klaytoni the Great defeated him. I scraped at a branch with my pocket knife and peeked at Belanu. The campfire light highlighted her beautiful facial features. Belanu was the best warrior in our tribe. She was out there. A beautiful, graceful girl. Everything a warrior needed. I didn't have that. I had no breasts, unlike the other warrior teenagers who had frikkin' planets on their chests. I had the usual face, not anything special. I was really short too. Plain, old Kayinao. Julia was pretty too. Belanu rank with tan skin and beautifully shaped brown eyes. Everyone said I was the toad that walked up to the hawk. I was just waiting to be killed. I knew I would be killed at a young age. Scientist became overwelmed and created horrible monsters long before I was born. Belanu looked over at me. I looked down quickly and made my dark brown hair fall in front of my face. Belanu smirked and continued enjoying another turkey leg. The campfire glowed radiantly against the walls and every girl in camp reflected off the light.

"I wish she was the one that turned into a beast," I whispered to myself.

"What was that, Kayinao?" Julia said, spitting turkey on me.

"Say it, don't spray it," I smiled. Julia was my best friend. i had known her since training.

"Sorry, this turkey leg is really good," Julia said,"Why aren't you eating?"

"Because I'm not. Maybe you're hungry, but I'm not," I shifted on the log, my armor rattling.

"Your always hungry. Come on. I know you want one," she waved a destroyed turkey leg in front of my face.

The smell of fresh turkey came to my face, "Maybe... Just a bite?"

"Take a bite, Kayinao. I don't care," she held it right beneath my nose.

I smiled and close my eyes.

"Take the bite," she sayed in an airy voice.

I sniffed the turkey leg and bit her hand harshly.

"YOOOOOOOWWW!!!" she screamed across the whole camp.

I burst out laughing, "Thats for trying to make me take a bite! In your face!" I pointed at her.

The whole camp looked over at us for a few seconds then started laughing.

She rubbed her hand and looked down where she dropped her turkey leg on the dirty ground, "My turkey leg!"

"Keep it down," Master came into our tent, "Its time for bed. Belanu, you're on duty tonight with Martina and Glass."
Master was our camp's leader. She trained us and kept us safe. She was immortal which we would become one day.

Belanu growled. Each tribe had to keep watch. Any creatures could try to attack us during the night. Julia helped me up and we walked out of the feeding tent. I looked past the gates of our tribe's camp. I wondered what was out there?

"Come on. I'm tired and my hand hurts," she dragged me toward our tent, looking back to playfully glare at me.

We walked into our small tent. Clothes on the floor and unmade cots. I smiled at our usual uncleanly selves.

Julia slipped off her armor and her skirt. We slept in our leotards. I unbuckled my armor as fast as I could possibly go. Taking armor off wasn't quick. It took about twenty minutes. Thats when you would probably pass out.

Julia yawned loudly and fell onto her cot. Julia's brown curls slid over her face dramatically.

"Hi there, miss beautiful," I laughed. I realized I probably looked like that destroyed turkey leg next to Julia, but I didn't care. Friendship comes first.

"Hi there," She laughed.

I slid on my blanket and listened carefully to the sounds outside. When you listened carefully, you could hear way more than the average screaming. That was like a lullaby on our planet, though. You get used to it. It's sort of like home. I listened to the killing of a unicorn and a beast snoring somewhere deep in the woods. I soon drifted off into a deep sleep.

Hi!

This is quite short, so I’m going to be very picky about it, cos that’s how one improves, right? ^_^

At least Klaytoni the Great defeated him. I scraped at a branch with my pocket knife and peeked at Belanu.

This is really jolty. The first part is backstory, I remember thus and thus, my childhood ran along this trail, to begin my life with the beginning of my life, et al. Then suddenly we’re thrown into the present with branches and pocket knives. So we’re all like woah, then we’re all like woah! then we’re like woah... Does that make sense? I think it would be best to cut out the first part, the David Copperfield this and this and this happened, and start immediately with the present, the branch and Belanu.

The campfire light highlighted her beautiful facial features. Belanu was the best warrior in our tribe. She was out there. A beautiful, graceful girl. Everything a warrior needed. I didn't have that. I had no breasts, unlike the other warrior teenagers who had frikkin' planets on their chests. I had the usual face, not anything special. I was really short too. Plain, old Kayinao.

*yawn*

I really don’t like it when I start reading something, and for no reason, the female M/C starts yammering on and on about how plain and blah they are. It’s boring and annoying. If someone who you’d just met came up to you and started blathering on about how plain they are, would you immediately feel a connection with them? I wouldn’t. I’d just want them to shut up, because even if you do feel that way, it’s not good manners to voice those concerns to someone you’ve just met and who’s less interested in whatever cool thing is going to happen next.

However, this is hypocritical of me, because in my first chapter of Lady No Soul, Chrissy, my M/C also complains about not feeling attractive. Please don’t eat me. I think you could make this not so annoying and in-your-face is not to go on about it so much. Kayinao feels plain. Okay. She can mention it, but only in passing. What you have here is a list of everything she feels is wrong with her, and it comes across as so listy because all your sentences are short and so very abrupt. Try mixing the sentence lengths up and shorten the whole pity-party.

Julia was pretty too. Belanu rank with tan skin and beautifully shaped brown eyes. Everyone said I was the toad that walked up to the hawk. I was just waiting to be killed. I knew I would be killed at a young age. Scientist became overwelmed and created horrible monsters long before I was born.

I’m really confused as to how all these sentences fit together. You have Julia, then Belanu’s rank, then people being mean about Kayinao, then talk about scientists and monsters. I don’t see how it all connects.

"Sorry, this turkey leg is really good," Julia said,"Why aren't you eating?"

That comma should be a full stop, and you need a space after it.

"Because I'm not. Maybe you're hungry, but I'm not," I shifted on the log, my armor rattling.

“Armor” is like French for love, or something. You mean “armour”.

"Your always hungry. Come on. I know you want one," she waved a destroyed turkey leg in front of my face.

“Your” is possessive, like “is that your chainsaw on the table?”. You mean “you’re” which is short for “you are”.
When you don’t have a tag, like he said or she said, you end the dialogue with a full stop, not a comma. Thus, you need to begin the narrative again with a capital letter.

"Take a bite, Kayinao. I don't care," she held it right beneath my nose.

Same mistake with comma/full stop small letter/capital again.

I smiled and close my eyes.

Tense switch, or this could be a typo. You mean “closed”.

"Take the bite," she sayed in an airy voice.

“Sayed” isn’t a word. You mean “said”.

"YOOOOOOOWWW!!!" she screamed across the whole camp.

More than one exclamation mark, full capitals, and writing out screams isn’t very professional. It makes your writing look childish and cartoony. Just say “she screamed”, and it’ll look a whole lot better.

I burst out laughing, "Thats for trying to make me take a bite! In your face!" I pointed at her.

You need an apostrophe here. Should be “that’s”.

She rubbed her hand and looked down where she dropped her turkey leg on the dirty ground, "My turkey leg!"

You don’t need that comma. You’re ending a sentence, so you need a full stop.

"Keep it down," Master came into our tent, "Its time for bed. Belanu, you're on duty tonight with Martina and Glass."

You don’t have a speaking tag, so you need to end the dialogue with a full stop. You also need to end the narrative with a full stop. “Its” is the possessive; you mean “it’s” which is short for “it is”.

We walked into our small tent. Clothes on the floor and unmade cots. I smiled at our usual uncleanly selves.

“Uncleanly” isn’t a word.

It took about twenty minutes. Thats when you would probably pass out.

Twenty minutes to take off armour? Why? Aren’t there any buckles or straps to make it easier? If they’re training to be warriors, then surely speed would be of the essence? And why does taking it off make them pass out? “Thats” needs an apostrophe, so it should be “that’s”.

I realized I probably looked like that destroyed turkey leg next to Julia, but I didn't care. Friendship comes first.

If she doesn’t care, then why is she still whining about it? It makes her seem incredibly self-pitying.

"Hi there," She laughed.

You’ve ended the dialogue with a comma, which is good, because you have a speaking tag (“she laughed”), but because that comma’s there, you need to start the narrative again with a small letter. So “she laughed”, not “She laughed”.

I listened to the killing of a unicorn and a beast snoring somewhere deep in the woods.

O_O There’s unicorns getting killed? Dude!

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As a first chapter, I think this needs a lot more to it. Again, this is me being hypocritical, because my first chapters often don’t have a huge lot in them, but I’m working on that, and anyway, really nothing happened at all here. Kayinao moans about how unpretty she is, woopdewoop, she bites her best friend’s hand, more moaning about how unpretty she is, she goes to sleep while a unicorn gets killed nearby.

There’s nothing that really hooked me in and made me want to read more. I think you need a hook. Some foreshadowing or conflict that promises action and excitement if I read on.

Your pace was good, and it seems like you have a cool idea. It reminds me of the Amazon warriors, all girlies together and mutilating their bodies so they can fight better. Well, maybe not that part. ^_^

I’m not feeling your characters, though. You have an M/C who won’t shut up about how unpretty she is. You have her best friend. You have a pretty girl who’s the bully. Nothing very original so far. Try and work on making your characters stand out. I want to know them, but they’re not very likeable so far.

You use a lot of short sentences, and this doesn’t give your writing a very good flow. Short sentences are usually used to create tension and so important things can have a sentence all to themselves so we notice them better. Try using longer sentences and mixing the lengths up so you have more of a variety and so your prose is a bit more interesting.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but it’s only to help you get better, not to trample you underfoot and discourage you. Constructive abuse is how we grow and get better, sa? Keep writing, and PM or Wall me if you have any questions!

-twit

This was pretty cool- starts off with an interesting premise about an evil overlord killing every women, but this wavers somewhat when you introduce a rather uninteresting character.

As mentioned in the review above, having a character go on about how unattractive she is, makes the reader lose interest quickly. Readers want their main character to be quirky and interesting and smart! Not plain and whiny. I know it's not your fault- writers will always think "my character can't be perfect, so she has to be ugly" but this is now overused a little. It's perfectly fine to have pretty main characters, just so long as she has other faults too. If you want her to be pretty- damn well go ahead and make it so, just make sure she's a deep character, with strengths, faults, quirks and so on.

Also, and I say this a lot, try not to have massive long paragraphs if the rest of the piece consists of smaller sections. It makes the piece look a little uneven- just try and split the introduction into two or three sections and it'll be fine.

Overall this was very entertaining- you write well and the plot to come sounds interesting and dark.

Nice job!

I personally thought this was a well written draft chapter, How ever it didn't give as much detail as I would have like, although that's mostly me I like to have a good amount of detail like, the surrounding environment, details on the characters (back story mostly) I also like forming a good image of the characters basic look (hair color, skin color, etc). other than that I really thought it was decent, hope you post the next chapter soon.