Laughing

I didn't know where to put this poem or what to name it. I just wrote it and hope you will enjoy it.



You sit and laugh,
As I hit the floor,
My world is cold,
Yours too bold.

You laugh again,
Watching me cry,
At your stupid jokes,
Of mine.

You always laugh,
I wonder why?
You feel glee,
And I want to die.

Maybe I deserved it,
Maybe I am dumb,
Maybe I should quit,
You will have more fun.

Boom!
A shot is fired.
Gulp!
A pill is gone.
Gasp!
A heart is broken
Slice!
A body gone,
A soul to harmed.

Destroyed by a bully,
Taken with their hands.
Too young too know,
The horror of life's demands.

Wow I really liked this the flow of it kept me reading and wanting more this was so good

You sit and laugh,
As I hit the floor,
My world is cold,
Yours too bold.

that was probably the best hook ever

I'm not the one to ask for grammatical and punctuation stuff tho so i hope someone else can help you out there if there are any problems

Mickeystwin33 wrote:

You sit and laugh,
As I hit the floor,
My world is cold,
Yours too bold.

You laugh again,
Watching me cry,
At your stupid jokes,
Of mine.

You always laugh,
I wonder why?
You feel glee,
And I want to die.

Maybe I deserved it,
Maybe I am dumb,
Maybe I should quit,
You will have more fun.

Boom!
A shot is fired.
Gulp!
A pill is gone.
Gasp!
A heart is broken
Slice!
A body gone,
A soul to harmed.

Destroyed by a bully,
Taken with their hands.
Too young too know,
The horror of life's demands.

The poem was well-written. The rhymes were okay; you could've done better. It was far too short. The punctuation, grammar, and spelling were pretty good. However, fix this:

Mickeystwin33 wrote:
Boom!
A shot is fired.
Gulp!
A pill is gone.
Gasp!
A heart is broken
Slice!
A body gone,
A soul to harmed.

to this:

ToKillAMockingjay wrote:
Boom!
A shot is fired.
Gulp!
A pill is gone.
Gasp!
A heart is broken
Slice!
A body gone,
A soul to harmed.

Other than that, love the poem!

Good job. Keep writing.

- Ariel<3'

You sit and laugh,
As I hit the floor,
My world is cold,
Yours too bold.

This was the best part of the poem.

However, I didn't really like this poem that much at all. I think mainly because the topic of bullying is the latest fad because of recent suicides by teenagers. Bullying has gone on for centuries, but it isn't news until some kid kills themself. That's my main problem with this poem...it deals with just that..some kid being bullied who kills his/her self...it's just a topical fad at the moment. I actually wrote a song about a bully harassing a guy to which the bully thinks is gay (although, the kid didn't kill himself, he killed the bully), I then decided not to post it because of what I explained to you.

Also I had one question about one part below that is in bold:

You laugh again,
Watching me cry,
At your stupid jokes,
Of mine.

When I read that it makes it sound like they're laughing at the person being bullied's "jokes". If you were to take out the comma and leave it like this "At your stupid jokes of mine" you will see how I understood it that way. The logical replacement would be "Of me" or "about me"

And when you wrote:

Destroyed by a bully,
Taken with their hands.
Too young too know,
The horror of life's demands.

The bully didn't put the suicide device in the indiviuals hand. That person chose to kill themself. To make such a statement is almost saying the person who committed suicide was justified in his/her actions. I'm aware that there are teenagers who do decide to kill themselves because bullying plays a large part...however, a lot of these kids rarely try to find other methods of dealing with it...but i don't want to bore you any further.

I would have loved this if the kid being bullied gained enough courage and kicked the bullies ass or something, but as it stands it's just the typical "Kid get's bullied...kid because depressed and then kid kills him or herself...and the bully becomes the murderer...cliche'"