Young Writers Society

Journeying Through my Mind

I'll keep wandering my dank
Mind until I find a place to think.
Uniridescent foot falls
Of my heart set out to shrink;
Finally I'm left to crawl
Through this baron land, so appalling,
And you'll find me on the brink.


*Look up the words yourself ;D jk
Unirdescent ~ Uncolorful (I don't think that's a direct definition, but you get it)
Appalling ~ Causing dismay or horror*
**My mind is actually much more interesting than this**

Hey

Well, I'm terrible at critiquing poems, but I'll give it a shot!

I'll keep wandering my dank
Mind until I find a place to think.
Uniridescent foot falls
Of my heart set out to shrink;
Finally I'm left to crawl
Through this baron land, so appalling,
And you'll find me on the brink.

Personally, I thought the way you set up the first few lines was a bit weird to read. Maybe it's because whenever I read a poem, my brain sets it up so that each line is a sentence. So at first I was reading it like 'I'll keep wandering my dank...' My dank what? What's a dank? and then I went on then I kind of realized it was connected to that one. If I would've written this, I would've been like:

I'll keep wandering my dank mind
Until I find a place to think.
Uniridescent footfalls of my heart
Set out to shrink.
Finally, I'm left to crawl
Through this baron land, so appalling.
You'll find me on the brink.

But really, poetry is a matter of style, and none of what you did was 'wrong'. So don't feel bad about leaving it as is and completely ignoring what I have to say, cuz I realize I'm the last person on earth to be giving lessons on poetry lol.

btw spell check is saying uniridescent is spelled wrong, but I wouldn't know myself x)

Hope this helped somehow xD
black

1) Screw spell check! I got that word straight from dictionary.com

2 and everything else) That's what punctuation is for, dear ;D Thank you for reading and commenting :L

Epic!

Well that was quite a review ^.~

Haha, I actually really liked the slightly offbeat rhythm! It seemed to fit the topic, making your mind sound a bit offbeat itself.

The one thing that I picked up was the spelling of the word 'baron'. Unless you really mean that the land is full of a kind of royalty or something like that, I think it should be spelt 'barren'.

Keep writing poetry - it's very cool

Sure, let's go with that xD

Offbeat? If you say so.. lol

Thank you

This was cool I liked it a lot. Haha there's so much to explore in a dank mind, so keep exploring and keep writing. I have to say the first line is a little jarring but I'm not sure if it adds to the poem or not...

Hey there, Twinseed! Here as requested.

dank
Mind until

You actually don't need to capitalize the "M" in Mind, even though it's the beginning of the line. It's not the beginning of the sentence.

Uniridescent

Now, I know you said you got this straight from Dictionary, but from my searches, I can't find it anywhere. D: Maybe, just to be safe, you should use a more well-known word with the same meaning? Try "Monochrome", perhaps?

Other than those, the poem seems mostly pretty good. The first mistake (the unnecessary capitalization) happens a few times in the same situation, so you should look at your poem for that. I have to agree with Silverlove, it does have an offbeat rhythm - but it's good. ^^

Keep it up, and good luck. PM me with any questions or requests, or feel free to post on my wall again.

--Heather

I know that it's not necessary to capitalize it, but that's just my style of writing.

But... I like this word...

Thank you

Haha, this was quite amazing! I love how everyone on this site seem to have just as undesipharable minds as I do Great imagery, great descriptions, great flow, rythm and structure.. I don't have any complaints! Nice job!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I really liked that!
You didn't need to give the definitions though... well at least for me
also i thought the line break after dank was a little awkward, i would just move mind up there
but otherwise this was really great! it short, but like like it's all condensed with goodness haha