The Teenager's Guide to Exorcism - Chapter One (2)

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Not a lot of action here, but definitely building up to something BIG and totally AWESOME. I can't wait to share it, but right now my computer is lagging and any sort of serious writing takes twenty times as long as it should. (It's taken me like three minutes to write this blurb) Enjoy!


II

Saint Michael's Christian Academy was considered the finest private school in Baldwin County, not just by an article on the Internet that Dwight's mother had casually skimmed across, but by almost everyone in in the state of Alabama. Indeed, many felt that it could very well among the finest institutions in the South, if not the whole country. Situated at the southern edge of the United States, in a small beach town called Sunset Falls, Saint Michael's was one of only a handful of schools that could boast a beach as its playground; the fact that there was no recess was a fact that never came up.

Frederick Lovelace, the founder and retired principal of this fine, fine establishment, had once declared that the beach was the perfect metaphor for education, that it represented “the crossing of two worlds, one of childhood and one of adulthood. Children must step from the comfortable sands of the world they know and venture into an ocean of unknown territory, a mysterious realm that is filled with hazards to be fought and treasures to be won.”

III

Days in Sunset Falls passed like the mangled clouds that had greeted him on that first day: it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began, but either way, most of what you were getting was depressing, muddled crap. At first, the town had reminded him (almost fondly) of New Orleans, except completely drained of color and personality. Dwight had lived in a small town all his life, and had nothing against them. He had simply realized that there was a strong and radical difference between a small town and his small town. They were the same basic animals but with wildly different heartbeats.

As for the fabled Saint Michael's, let's just say that Dwight had soon come to realize that private schools (even the finest one in the county six years running, according to the good folks on the all-knowing Internet) was more or less just a public school with uniforms and a steaming pile of pretension thrown on top. That, mandatory chapel every week, and a monthly tuition with six figures was all that separated this place from any random public school.

And, as Dwight came to believe if not yet realize in the months following that cloudy day in early August, very little prejudice against the minions of darkness. The man on the roof (the fiddler with no fiddle and eyes as red as bloody hell) had only been the start of it. More than once, he had spotted shadowy things in the corners of his eye, only to turn and see nothing. On one occasion, he had dropped a quarter and it had flown (not bounced, flown) off the ground almost immediately and attached itself to the ceiling. It had stayed there for a moment before plummeting back down to the floor, gravity's prisoner once again. Sometimes, a chill suddenly swept over him and his heart beat fast and his breath felt like cold liquid spilling out of his mouth. Nothing as overt or even as physical as the demon-thing on the roof, just small little horrors that were banding together in their unholy quest to drive him insane. Maybe they had succeeded. His mother certainly seemed to think so.

“Honestly, Dwi', you are just like your father,” she had said. “Imagination flying out your freakin' butt. Can't tell the difference between what's real and what some Hollywood folk jerry-rigged with a white sheet and a fog machine.” He remembered (even now, staring out into the endless ocean) that specific pain in his stomach that he had felt when she poured herself yet another glass of wine and downed it entirely before continuing. It had been this way since his dad had passed. Alcohol and cigarettes had become her new soul-mate, and the lines in her face and the paleness of her skin suggested they weren't they only things she now found comfort in. When she finally spoke, her voice quivered, as if his thoughts were laid as bare as her newfound friends. “Lay off the books for a while, that's all. Turn off that damned TV. Take a walk on the beach or something. This a good place, and Saint Michael's is a good school. You've read too many ghosts stories. Especially your fathers.”

And that was it. That was all the motherly advice that Sally Radcliffe (she had shortly ago abandoned her late husband's surname in favor of her own) had been capable of imparting. As clichéd and even cheesy as it sounded, Dwight couldn't hold back the feeling that his father would have almost surely understood, perhaps even believed. Dwight didn't dwell on it, simply because he couldn't bear to. He was alone, and he had to admit that it was the worst feeling in the world. Worse than moving, worse than losing someone you loved, worse having ghosts haunt your every move. Worse than going insane.

As horrible as it sounded, he had kept himself open that possibility. After all, it was the only thing that seemed to make sense. He knew there was no such thing as ghosts and angels and fluff like. Perhaps that was the only thing he didn't have in common with his father; Dwight's mother had been correct when she said that he had been unable to tell the difference between what was real and what clearly wasn't. Even Dwight, who had not and never would stop loving his father, had begun to wonder how much of his stories the man had invented and how much he thought had actually been real.

Well, he thought now, swallowing hard and pressing his head against the glass. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Even if the tree is full of nuts.

But it wouldn't do well to dwell on Liam Markos. That was a wound he'd rather leave unscratched. Then again, wouldn't a wound have to be healed first before it could be re-opened? He supposed that some wounds never did heal, at least not at completely and certainly not at first. Six months was hardly enough time to get over the death of a parent, but it was apparently enough time to go completely and utterly insane.

At least, he hoped he was insane.
Last edited by PaulClover on Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:31 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Remember your name. Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. - Neil Gaiman




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Frederick Lovelace, the founder and retired principal of this fine, fine establishment, had once declared that the beach was the perfect metaphor for education, that it represented “the crossing of two worlds, one of childhood and one of adulthood. Children must step from the comfortable sands of the world they know and venture into an ocean of unknown territory, a mysterious realm that is filled with hazards to be fought and treasures to be won.”


The fact that you quoted from a fictional character and successfully too I might add, makes me wonder if this is a grand project you are working on similar to Tolkien's grand web of characters and their heritages. Maybe not on the same scale as Tolkien but certainly toward the same goal of having fleshed out characters to make them more lively and less "ink".

Well, he thought now, swallowing hard and pressing his head against the glass. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Even if the tree is full of nuts.

Never heard it put this way before. Fits well into the storyline.

Six months was hardly enough time to get over the death of a parent, but it was apparently enough time to go completely and utterly insane.


Again, good use of language. It makes sense, adds a little suspense, and is full of meaning that be examined at a deeper level.

Ultimately this is turning into an onion, and I mean that as a compliment. Your ability to construct layers and write smoothly is very enjoyable to read. I look forward to future works.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky




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Ciao, my friend, Life here! (Ah, that always makes me chuckle... "Hello, I'm Life, great to meet ya!")

This really is growing interesting, I can't wait for that big and awesome reveal that's gonna happen. I'm getting a sort of Neil Gaimanish taste from the writing style going on here, and I absolutely love the way he works his words. Maybe it's just the topic in question, but that's what I get out if it. Which is most definetely a good thing, if you haven't figured that out yet. :D

Couldn't find anything to complain about except this:
And, as Dwight came to believe if not yet realize in the months following that cloudy day in early August, very little prejudice against the minions of darkness.

If you take out the part surrounded by the commas, it would read: "And very little prejudice...jadadadadoo." This doesn't grammatically follow well with the previous sentence. I guess you could put in a "the fact that it had" or something else along those lines to make it make sense. (See what I did there? Make it make? I know, I crack myself up too.) Oh, and did I mention I really like this sentence? No? Okay, but now I did.

This is something I'd pick off the shelves and read, so please keep me posted. Sorry about the lack of actual criticisms, but I guess that's a compliment in itself. ;)
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Yo Paul. Stella here, back for more!

I. NITPICKS

III


So what's the deal with breaking them up? While that was a cute little piece of background, I don't see why it's in a section all by itself. That seems a little bizarre, if you ask me.

Days in Redemption passed like the mangled clouds that had greeted him on that first day:


Redemption? I thought the place was called Sunset Falls... or is the town meant to be his redemption or- I don't know. I'm confused again...

As for the fabled Saint Michael's, let's just say that Dwight had soon come to realize that private schools (even the finest one in the county six years running, according to the good folks on the all-knowing Internet) was more or less just a public school with uniforms and a steaming pile of pretension thrown on top.


Firstly- were after the parentheses. Secondly, I'm not a fan of the "let's just say." It's breaking the fourth wall, or... whatever you have in fiction. As far as I'm aware, you don't have a narrator and as far as said non-existent narrator is aware, we're not reading this. So non-existent narrator directly addressing non-existent audience... well...

That, mandatory chapel every week,


I'm going to be really annoying and point out I had mandatory chapel every day (to be honest, I didn't really mind but there were those that were). So this doesn't seem too awful to me...

Especially your fathers.”


father's.

As clichéd and even cheesy as it sounded,


clichéed, I think? I'm not sure.

As horrible as it sounded, he had kept himself open that possibility.


open to that possibility?

He knew there was no such thing as ghosts and angels and fluff like.


fluff like what?

Alright.

II. MY MOTHER IS MY LIFE

I mean, apart from the ghosts.

Okay, this is something really small that's annoying me a little- Dwight doesn't make mention of anything or anyone else. What about the people in his new school? What about the people in his old school? What about the town, what about the classes? All he can talk about are the demons and his mother. I'm not saying you need launch into all the details of his life. But some detail might be nice. It's the details that make the characters, right? Does he have friends in Saint Michael's? Does he have enemies? What's his opinion on the specifics of the town- what's it like, are the people friendly or aloof? What about his new home? I just feel that while he's doing all this introducing, he should be doing more than just talking about his mother.

III. OVERALL

Again, a little unsure of why we're reading about Dwight standing at a window. It's good! It is. Just... a little dull. I know you say action is coming though, so I'm looking forward to it. Can you tell me when you post the next part?

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Here for part two!

II

What's up with the sudden breaks in the story? As far as I recall there wasn't a "I" in the first part of this chapter, and the "II" and "III" in this chapter aren't really necessary. A break isn't needed to switch from the content of "II" to the content of "III", and a break is only really needed when there is a larger break in the continuity of the story.

And, as Dwight came to believe if not yet realize in the months following that cloudy day in early August, very little prejudice against the minions of darkness.

I had to read this line several times to get it to make sense to me, but even then it still confused me. I think it's the "believe if not yet realize" that throws me off. I think it would work better with only "believe" or "realize" in the sentence, making it less wordy and easier to take in.

Other than that, I don't have much else to poke at. I'd be interested to learn more in the world around Dwight (people in school, people in the town, events and such surrounding both of those locations) but I'm holding out hope that the following chapters bring more of that out for the reader. As far as a first chapter goes, this is rather good. I'd like to see a bit more plot-centered action starting up around the end of the chapter, as well, but the chapter is still good without it.

Great job, and keep writing! Let me know when you post more, I'd love to read/review more of this!

-Lauren-
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Hah! I like the line about the tree, that was perfect, and fits very well with the story you are building. I like that you took a chunk of this chapter to explain Dwight's dad, because in the last chapter I was curious about that.
I'm also happy to see that Dwight isn't wallowing in his weep. Even if it had been six months since my parent died I'd be a mess, and there are several characters that snippy and asking for pity when a parent dies. I like that Dwight is neither. He actually seems to have an air of being the level headed one compared to his mother (what with the smoking and drinking), showing he is more mature, but thinking about his dad shows he is mature, not heartless.

Keep up the creepy, I want to know more about this Hellbound school.
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