The alley of screams

Hi again everyone! So this is my second work I've posted on here now.. I wrote this a while ago for school, but I was in a much unhappier place then.. So yeah. Anyway, thank you anyone who reviews it <3

Pitchblack filled the alley and surplus blackness overflowed. He gave me a forceful nudge, then strode into the darkness alone.
His silouette beckoned for me a first, then he showed his innocent cheeky grin.
I scourried along but my feet didn't want to leave the ground. I guess this is what they call cold feet.

He said it would be like we're on holiday, we'd go for a nice long trip, It would be peaceful and serene. But it doesn't seem that way to me. I followed him anyway, not wanting to part with the boy I love.

At the end of the alley there was a flickering lamp, just giving a glimpse of light, but it was enough. It shone onto the knife which had been concealed in his pocket. He pulled it out and swirled it in the air, admiring it. Fear masked my face and my heart began to thump. "You're not scared are you?!" he said with a tinge of mockery buried in. "O-of course not" I replied a bit too hastily. My stomach was turning and my head spinning, yet he looked perfectly calm.

I guess because he had already resigned himself, he knew this was the only way we could be together, forever. The only way that we wouldn't be tainted by society. This way we could stay clean and pure together, in a silent bliss.

I saw his hand tremble slightly when he pulled the knife close to his wrist.. I tried to shout stop but the words didn't come out, but tears did, they started streaming down my face and into my trembling open mouth. He stopped for a moment, and gave me a sad smile. He looked deep into my eyes and kissed my lips tenderly, and whispered "I love you." into my ear. As he pulled away, in one swift movement, he slashed his wrist. He collapsed into my arms, once more forcing himself to show me his trademark smile, only his eyes looked pained. He groaned out in pain and then he fell silent, and cold. My skin shuddered as his cold body spread through mine like an epidemic.

My tears began to thud onto his face heavily, it felt like the liquid falling off my face were made of iron. I kept screaming his name out into the darkness, almost in defiance, "How did this happen?" I kept asking myself.

I fumbled around with my hand on the concrete until I felt the luke warm liquid coated metal. I picked up the knife, it's sharp blade slicing my clumsy fingers, I shook with fear and dropped it with my trembling hands. I picked it back up and my mind filled with him.... My hand moved almost automatically and then I felt the blood trickle down my arm. I was becoming one with him as I could feel the pain he felt. But not long after that, I couldn't feel anything, and His face became unclear and blurry.

This isn't the peace that he promised, It isn't peace if He isn't with me.

Wow that was reaally good. Good job There's just a couple of things that i would change just to make the story a little better. here they are:

HenPen wrote:Pitchblack filled the alley and surplus blackness overflowed. I don't understand what you're trying to say in this sentance. Maybe you should use an odor instead of "pitchblack" and "darkness" or something else instead of blackness? He gave me a forceful nudge, then strode into the darkness alone.
His silouette beckoned for me a first, then he showed his innocent cheeky grin.
I scurried along but my feet didn't want to leave the ground. I guess this is what they call cold feet.

He said it would be like we were on vacation. We'd go on a nice long trip and It would be peaceful and serene. But it doesn't seem that way to me. I followed him anyway, not wanting to part with the boy I love.
What tense are you writing in? Because in the begining it seems that you're writing in past tense, yet just now you said, "But it doesn't seem that way to me." If it's past tense it shouldn't be "didn't." Just be a little careful with that. Don't worry, I do the same thing from time to time.

At the end of the alley there was a flickering lamp that gave just a glimpse of light, but it was enough. It shone onto "shined on" maybe? the knife that had been concealed in his pocket. He pulled it out and swirled it in the air, admiring it. Fear masked my face and my heart began to thump loudly.

"You're not scared are you?!" he said with a mocking tone in his voice.

"O-of course not," I replied a bit too hastily. My stomach was turning and my head spinning, yet he looked perfectly calm.

I guessed that it was because he had already resigned himself. He knew this was the only way we could be together, forever. It was the only way that we wouldn't be tainted by society. This way we could stay clean and pure together, in a silent bliss.

I saw his hand tremble slightly when he pulled the knife close to his wrist. I tried to shout at him to stop but the words didn't come out. My tears did instead. They started streaming down my face and into my tumbling into my open mouth. He stopped for a moment, and gave me a sad smile. He looked deep into my eyes, kissed my lips tenderly, and whispered "I love you" into my ear. As he pulled away, in one swift movement, he slashed his wrist. He collapsed into my arms. He forcing himself to show me his trademark smile, only his eyes looked pained. He groaned out in pain and then he fell silent., and cold. My skin shuddered as the cold of his body spread through mine like an epidemic.

My tears began to fall heavily onto his face. It felt like the liquid falling off my face was made of iron. I kept screaming his name out into the darkness, almost in defiance.

"How did this happen?" I kept asking myself.

I fumbled around with my hand on the concrete until I felt the luke warm, liquid coated metal. I picked up the knife, it's sharp blade slicing my clumsy fingers. I shook with fear and dropped it with my trembling hands. When I picked it back up, my mind filled with him....

My hand moved almost automatically and then I felt the blood trickle down my arm. I was becoming one with him as I could feel the pain he felt. But not long after that, I couldn't feel anything and His Is there a reason why his name is capitalized? Just wondering... face became unclear and blurry.

This isn't the peace that he promised, It isn't peace if He isn't with me.Isn't or wasn't? Past or present?

Okay so there it is I hope this helps. And I love the story! It's so sad but it's a good idea. Continue to edit over and over to make it better. Great job

Keep on Writing
-Roxy

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I loved that! I thought it was brilliant and I really liked how you started off with a 'bang!'

Questions in my head arise, however. Why did he kill himself? Why would they be tainted by society? And why didn't she kill himself?
I think that having those questions in my head keep me hooked to the story. I definitely want to read more!!

I do want to point out something in the first sentence that didn't really make sense to me. 'Pitchblack filled the alley'. First, Pitch and black should have a hyphen in between. Second... Darkness, scientifically (I won't bore you, promise! ) is when there is no light... so it doesn't really make sense for something missing to be there XD It would probably be better to describe the Alley as pitch black.

Over all though... I thought it was BRILLIANT!

Mac

Wow. Just Wow. This was amazing! I felt the MC's uneasiness and fright. You wrote everything with perfect detail and dialogue. Brilliant. But I do agree with the writer's above me, no need to repeat things, right? I really enjoyed this piece! Keep Writing and inform me when you'll be posting something new that you want me to read and/or review.

Nike

Keep Writing!

Truthfully, I didn't feel an emotion in these piece. I knew you were trying, But i just didn't feel any emotion towards either of the characters. Wether this is because the main characters thoughts were just to incoherent for me to understand or because the story just moved to fast I do not know. Another big thing, Description! I say this to everyone i review, but it is true. Description is what hooks your reader, what makes them feel like they are part of the story. It also brings out and heightens the emotions and actions of your characters. Use it to your advantage!