Saving a Child (Plot)

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Dylan Vervuurt's parents died the day he turned nineteen. He was living an immature life that lead him into the most difficult situations. Hiding who's tragic incident fault was, he became his five year old brother's legal guardian.

After all the guilt and suffering, he changes drastically; he starts living for the kid, protecting him from the world, and becomes a real responsible and serious person. Two years later he takes Danny to a summer camp, wanting to let him have the most normal life a kid his age can have.

Lerisse Ane is a girl who volunteers at the camp, and she becomes really fond of them both. At his young age, Danny's innocence insists that the two young adults are meant for each other.

Lerisse starts spending time with them. After insisting, he explains the real story about how his parents died, and how it all happened. Later on, she realized Dylan lost something in the drastic process; his inner kid. Danny is willing to do anything to save that child and go back to how it was before, knowing is the only way Dylan can be okay again to start a new life.
Last edited by MissMystery on Mon Aug 08, 2011 9:38 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Wow this sounds great. Very deep stuff, which is quite rare for young writers. Despite how much I love this premise I think it will take a great deal of skill and plotting to write this in an appealing way. It's easy to tell a story full of action and no plot - the reader will stay with you because it is so easy to read, but when it ends they will kind of wish the hadn't (see: James Patterson's later works.) It is also easy to tell a story full of plot and no action - If the reader stays with you they will feel satisfied and enlightened, illuminated. Hell, they will feel something. It is hard to find the balance though. I look forward to reading this when you have plotted it out and have met the characters. P.M. me if you have any questions, or when you are ready for someone to have a look at the first chapter!

JP

P.S - Welcome to YWS
Last edited by joshuapaul on Mon Aug 01, 2011 6:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
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The first paragraph has some errors, for instance : "Dylan's parents died when the day he turned nineteen." "He was living an immature life that lead him into the most difficult situation." "Hiding who's tragic incident fault was, he became his five year old brother's legal guardian."

Aside from the errors this story line seems to be quite deep and good. I like how Dylan goes through a change to take care of his kid brother. And I like how his kid brother innocently tries to hook him up with the girl.

Now what I'm confused on is the first paragraph, what was Dylan doing that was so bad? And are you alluding to it being his fault his parents died?

And I hope you have a setting or location for the story as well. Other than that I hope you start it and have a lovely time penning it ; )

Grandison




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Thanks, guys. <3 :)
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First thing I will say....christian writers rock!!!! :D Hahaha couldn't resist. Yes....I would suggest you look over the beginning of the plot set up because there are some awkward sentences. I can't wait to read this story and nice bible verse. It seems perfect for this kinda of story. Can't wait for the first chapter. You must notify me at once. Good luck
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The plot could be re-written to reduce confusion and wordiness, but I'm not concerned with that.

The first paragraph feels dramatically overused, no offense. It needs a hook, something exciting or different. Maybe give a hint of how his parents died or describe what kind of "immature life" he led.

I like the second paragraph, but it also feels old and worn out.. "he starts living for the kid, protecting him from the world," why would he live for his brother and why not explain the world to him? Does Dylan feel that the world's too scary? This may be a plot, but you still need to establish character.

The third paragraph feels like it should be used as a hook.. This excerpt was nicely written and I enjoyed it.

Your final paragraph is intriguing, yet it feels like it gives something away..

Overall: Personally, this isn't the genre I'm interested in, so I wouldn't read it. For someone who likes the romance type, I think that this would hit the nail on the head.
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Write it. now. Please. I'll be reading.
and yes!! Christian Writer's rock (which reminds me...I need to change my avi!) :D
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