translucent concrete wall

This was inspired by something that a relative recounted. Happy reading and you know I'd love your reviews. ^^

~~~~~~~

A golden blur speeds past, you
catch the scent of summer grass; you
must hold onto it - it will last forever.



Swinging from a tree, can you
see her mischievous smile? You
struggle to hold on. It's haunting. You
wish for an envelope -the honeyed aura you
perceive around the child. Yet, you
know that as she creates footprints you
can only warn her of a future when you,
a million others, and her impressions (yours)
will be devastated by a bloody line.



Iron rods that separates you
from then; tainted with golden rust;
memories behind a wall - fenced away.

White smoke accompanies the whistle
while you step down and enter the past;
onto land that was once whole.

~~~~~~

Thanks for reading!
~Lava

First off I would like to just say that I love your imagery I love it. This poem is beautiful and it has a summery feel to it. It feels like Summer. I enjoyed reading the different stanzas. Keep writing!!!!!!

It seemed quite deep and maybe too deep for me to understand though. But I think I got the real essence.
Swinging from a tree, can you
see her mischievous smile? You
struggle to hold on. This part is a memory rite? Well then, you're the writer so you know - Is haunting the right word here?
It's haunting. You
wish for an envelope - Maybe you should give a clearer idea of what you are trying to say her about the envelope.
the honeyed aura you
perceive around the child. I liked this part
Yet, you
know that as she creates footprints you
can only warn her of a future when you,
a million others, and her impressions (yours)
will be devastated by a bloody line. As in a childs dream has stronger repercussions later? again too less for me to comprehend from.

The flow was very nice though. And Im glad to find a fellow asian here, I feel less foreign:)

Hai Lava!

So, I liked this poem. Right off the bat; might I just suggest not breaking it up with asterisks? I don't think this poem is gaining anything from forcing the reader to stop every stanza. I think it's distracting from the lovely imagery and language.

Next, I have to say I did not love you use of the word 'you'/'yours' here:

Swinging from a tree, can you
see her mischievous smile? You
struggle to hold on. It's haunting. You
wish for an envelope -the honeyed aura you
perceive around the child. Yet, you
know that as she creates footprints you
can only warn her of a future when you,
a million others, and her impressions (yours)
will be devastated by a bloody line.

For me, the constant use of it at the end of every line distracted me from what was inside. My eyes just jumped to the 'you' and I had to force myself to go back and actually read the line. This is too bad; because you have some absolutely lovely language and images here. I would go back and fix that up.

Now overall, this just had the eclectic, dusty feel of a half-remembered dream to it. I love that kind of feeling, and I was thrilled you successfully incorporated it into this. Just fix up the minor things I've pointed out and I think you'll have a beautiful piece of work on your hands.

Cheers!

-Tori

Evenin’, Magmar. I’m not sure I’ve ever reviewed you before, but this’ll be a good first time because this was lovely. You’ve given what I think is the ideal balance between narration, imagery, and lyricism, and that together makes for an excellent poem. Of course, there are places that can be shined up, as always. Let’s look at those places.

First off, while your imagery is captivating and beautifully useful for your narration, a few places fall back and forth between clunky phrasing and choppy sentences. This murders your flow and decreases the experience value of reading the piece, which I think is one of the most critical errors poets can make. This broken flow is at its worst in the second stanza when we read:

[You] struggle to hold on. It’s haunting. You
wish for an envelope –the honeyed aura you
perceive around the child.

In this particular place, I feel like your lack of dedication to flow goes as far as to even hurt your image. The scene relies on the smoothness of honey, yet the phrasing and the structure devastate it, making it rather moot.

Also, in that stanza, you have my favorite lines in the entire poem:

Swinging from a tree, can you
see her mischievous smile?

It’s perfect for describing a child even without saying so until later. However, later in the stanza, you throw in this random bit of parenthetical notation that made me do a double-take. While you may want to note that your impressions will be devastated as well, I think it may be better left unstated for the sake of both flow and power. The reality of your destroyed impressions and ideals comes with the metaphor of the fence—the separation from childhood or a place that we wish so badly that we could return to.

It’s a very universal emotion that you’ve tapped into, even though this poem is written of a personal event.

I want to pick at a bit of structure here:

Iron rods that separates you
from then; tainted with golden rust;
memories behind a wall – fenced away.

Obviously you need to fix the subject-verb agreement that I’ve marked, but I also have an issue with the use of semi-colons to separate three images that don’t construct an actual natural-syntax statement. If I were doing this, I’d probably have a verb in this stanza just to keep the natural feel moving. While your description is lovely, I think it would be better when viewed through a natural phrasing.

Let me know if you have any questions or would like to discuss this! I loved it, so keep crankin’ em out.

-Lumester

p.s. Fahrvergnügen.