The Freckles In Our Eyes *Edited*

The freckles in our eyes,
Are mirror images,
They disguise,
The true meaning of our lives.

Childhood dreams,
Hopes and fears,
Control our lives throughout the years.

Without these dreams,
Hopes and fears,
You can’t be,
Your only option is to open your eyes and see.

To have a unique air,
That opens the eyes,
Of individuals who don't care.

The freckles in our eyes,
Are not seen from far away,
Judging someone is easy,
When you don't stay.

Little imperfections,
Make the world seem,
Like a we're on a team.

The freckles in our eyes,
Are mirror images,
They disguise,
Helping us live our lives wise.

Spoiler

I'm not sure about this, I definitely like it but I feel I could make it longer. Your opinion?
*Don't forget to comment, review, or like

Beautiful piece, I thought there could have been more to it...the poem was a bit skimpy but if you build on it you could really create something beautiful

Not really much wrong with it otherwise, like I said it's right on that edge. It just needs a little more meat to it. I love the concept of the freckles in our eyes, however, it's very...poetic:)

The freckles in our eyes,
Are mirror images,
That disguise,
The true meaning of our lives.

my favorite stanza, its beautiful.

You’re quite right, I think, snickers, when you said that you could make it longer. Well, not so much longer but I definitely think you could flesh it out some more.

I’ve used this example a lot with poems that could use some fleshing out like yours does. It’s really easiest to say that you have the skeleton of your poem laid out in front of you. It’s just a matter of building it up around this skeleton. Like reverse dying.

One major nitpick:

Childhood dreams,
Hopes and fears,

Without dreams,
Hopes and fears,

There are five words in these two quoted bits but of those five words, four of them are identical. And only one other line divides them. Even though I think you’re trying to show that ‘mirrored’ quality, it reads out loud very poorly and repetitively.



I definitely think if you explored this idea a little more and build a bit more flesh on your poetic skeleton, then this could be a much more powerful piece of poetry.

If you have any questions, snickers, you can leave a note on my wall or send me a PM!

~lilymoore

I agree, this is lovely writing, but hasn't lived up to its potential.

The first stanza is superb, I just want to nit-pick. It should read something like
"The freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images,
They disguise
The true meaning of our lives."

The second stanza is great and flows elegantly.

The third stanza is also neat and tidy, but you should replace the comma at the end of the third line with a period.

I love this!
--Brandon
Xoxo

Better! You just need to tweak the punctuation a bit...some of those commas I believe should be periods. For example:

Without these dreams,
Hopes and fears,
You can’t be,
Your only option is to open your eyes and see.

After "you can't be" there should probably be a period, in my opinion. Just little things like that. Also, it could be just me, but this line confused me a little:

To have a unique air

I understand what you're trying to say, but the way you worded it just confused me. I think it has to do with teh fact that you started the line with the word "To", which doesnt seem to flow very well. I don't know, this is just what I saw.

Otherwise, I though you did a good job of beefing this up a bit...I already gave you my praise in the other review, it's quite a good piece:) Very nice!

Welll, these new stanzas.. they seem a bit forced. They aren't written quite as well. I still like them though, and you have the same general theme. I'm not really in the mood to critique every stanza like before, I'm a little tired. But look at the first stanza that I reviewed last time, and notice the grammatical changes; those were my main concern there.

Hmmm this is definitely a start. I didn't absolutely love it, but I didn't not like it either. So what I'm trying to say is, is that it's good. Part of it just seemed like repetition like here:

snickerdooly wrote:Childhood dreams,
Hopes and fears,
Control our lives throughout the years.

Without these dreams,
Hopes and fears,
You can’t be,
Your only option is to open your eyes and see.

The repetition of 'hopes and fears' made it seem choppy. Also I think that throughout the whole poem, you used the word lives too much.

snickerdooly wrote:The freckles in our eyes,
Are mirror images,
They disguise,
The true meaning of our lives.

Childhood dreams,
Hopes and fears,
Control our lives throughout the years.

Without these dreams,
Hopes and fears,
You can’t be,
Your only option is to open your eyes and see.

To have a unique air,
That opens the eyes,
Of individuals who don't care.

The freckles in our eyes,
Are not seen from far away,
Judging someone is easy,
When you don't stay.

Little imperfections,
Make the world seem,
Like a we're on a team.

The freckles in our eyes,
Are mirror images,
They disguise,
Helping us live our lives wise.

Now that I highlight them, it actually isn't that many, but when I was reading it, they really stood out to me and I don't know why... It was probably the rhyming aspect. I don't usually care for the rhyming style of poems. But other than the few things that I pointed out, I think the idea is great and that it's a good start to a great poem! Keep writing!